This Trailer for Marmaduke Makes Me Reconsider My Thoughts on Gay Adoption, Babies in General
March 26, 2010

After all, if gays can’t adopt, then I won’t want a Gattaca mail order baby of my very own, which means I’ll never have to worry about listening to my kid throw a shit fit when I refuse to rent them Marmaduke.  Sure, the other soccer moms might think that makes me a pretentious bitch who’s unfit to raise a child, but take look at this mess and tell me I’m wrong:

Okay, I’ll admit that the part of me that loves train wrecks definitely did a this at the end of the trailer, but most of me just feels sorry for Lee Pace and Judy Greer and William H. Macy.  Sure, Ron Perlman and Steve Coogan are also much better than this, but at least they don’t have to show their faces, and Keifer Sutherland had the sage wisdom to leave this one off of his IMDB page.  Lee Pace and Judy Greer and William H. Macy have neither of those luxuries.  This makes me sad.

As for my fake ovaries, they’re quite happy to be fake right about now because for realsies:

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Daria: The Complete Animated Series on DVD Will Be All the Daria You Could Ever Desire
February 24, 2010

Quite literally.  From DVDActive:

All 5 seasons will be included, along with both movies. Extras will include the Pilot – Sealed With a Kick, a Mystik Spiral Music Video “Freakin’ Friends”, Daria Day Intros, a Top Ten Video Countdown Hosted by Daria & Jane, Cast & Crew Interviews, and a Never Before-Seen Mystik Sprial spin-off script.

YES.

Never mind that no price was given.  I would give my first-born fake baby to have Daria on DVD, or at the very least an IOU for a real one.  Oh hell, who am I kidding?  It’s $50.99 over at Amazon.com, which is a bargain when it comes to nostalgia-fueled impulse buys.

It obviously goes without saying that this is my confirm-order face:

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I’m Not Going to Even Bother Pretending Like I’m Not Excited for The Back-Up Plan
December 22, 2009

While I was at the movies this past weekend, I saw a poster for the upcoming romantic comedy The Back-Up Plan:

It was confusing because I haven’t associated Jennifer Lopez with shitty romantic comedies–let alone acting–in ages, but I digress.  My point is that I could tell just by the poster that this has “generic rom-com train wreck” written all over it, but sticking J. Lo and Alex O’Laughlin in a movie that amounts to Knocked Up‘s prettier but frighteningly dull cousin inexplicably sounds catnip to me. I blame it on Alex O’Laughlin, who is so pretty that even J. Lo’s hand can’t obscure his prettiness, and her hand damn well giving it a go.  I mean, seriously, what the hell is her hand doing in that poster?  Is she trying to cover his face so she can be the prettiest part of The Back-Up Plan poster?  Is this how they do the Vulcan mind meld in the Bronx?  Sorry, I got sidetracked.  

Again.

ANYWAYS, point being is that there’s a trailer for The Back-Up plan, and it’s all the LOLZ and romance of this poster at 24-frames-per-second:

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Sometimes We Just Need a Little Mommy Time
November 6, 2009

The laws of camp enthusiasm dictate that all things are made more fabulous by Carol Channing.  Ventriloquist dummies are no exception:

Carol Channing puppet

It therefore goes without saying, of course, that any comedy sketch video to feature Carol Channing, the Carol Channing ventriloquist dummy, or a man doing a drag impersonation of Carol Channing is liable to blow your damn mind.  But what happens when you add Pauline Kael, genius, and a scatological (and decidedly NSFW) take on motherhood to the mix?  You get “Mommy Time”:

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Lindsay Lohan (Allegedly) Makes Good Choices
July 9, 2009

Yesterday, a rather delectable piece of gossip hit the interwebs.  Celebitchy, which picked up the story via Page Six, reported that Lindsay Lohan refused the role of Jade, the stripper who marries Ed Helms, in The Hangover.  Yes, THE The Hangover, as in the smash summer comedy that invariably proves that nothing is cuter than babies sunglasses:

hangover baby in sunglasses

Fortunately, this summer, after many a delay, Ms. Lohan’ll be bringing us Labor Pains, her own log to contribute to the raging fire that is America’s baby craziness.  Sure, it’s not getting a theatrical release, or even a straight-to-video release (at least until later this fall), but it is getting an ABC Family world television premiere, and that HAS to be something:

Shut.  Your.  Face.  “I’m better when I’m pregnant” is an actual line in ANY movie EVER?  I will never forgive myself if I do not DVR this baby-bump-riddled train wreck because I absolutely have to see this, but I’m also quite certain that, should I watch more than five consecutive minutes at a time, my brain will be liquified by the bad idea waves irradiating out of this…this thing.

I get that they’re the station that finds drama in the possibility that any one of the perfectly timed thrusts in your incredible sex life could very well spell disaster for your parents, so I’d never actually accuse them of having things like taste or good decision making skills, but ABC Family proclaims this one of their “Original Movies” with some sort of sense of pride?  Isn’t that kinda like proudly keeping your back-alley abortion in a mason jar on your coffee table because you want it to be a conversation piece at all your cocktail parties?  This shit is bleak, and the full trailer is (impressively) even bleaker:

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Gabe and Max Make Me Want a Bloomin’ Onion
June 16, 2009

Maybe I’m carrying twins, or maybe it’s just a tapeworm, but I’ve been craving me some greasy-ass food today like the life of my unborn fake babies depended on it.    I’ve got an urge to gulp down country gravy like it’s a glass of water and add six slices of bacon to anything that’s remotely edible.  Seriously, I’d eat garbage, literal garbage, if it was deep fried.  It’s a problem.

Needless to say, the new Gabe and Max’s Guide to Man Style video ain’t helping my situation:

I should be prattling on about how dreamy Gabe is.  It may be old hat, but it’s always fashionable.  Instead of talking about that deliciousness, though, I’m fixated on that damn Bloomin’ Onion.  Really, look at this battered-and-deep-fried hotness:

bloomin onion

Sweet mercy, it’s delectable nature is taunting me, and at gimungo resolution, I’m a freakin’ Pavlovian hot mess.  I get that the Bloomin’ Onion is shot in such a way that it’s supposed to be comically grotesque, but it’s not working.  At all.  I just keep thinking about the ghastly calorie and sodium levels and the inevitable stomachache that eating an entire Bloomin’ Onion would cause, and then I just wish it was in front of me.  Right now.  Sure, Outback claims the Bloomin’ Onion serves six, but my fake unborn babies will totally help pick up the slack.

Besides, Bloomin’ Onions don’t involve women, so there’s always room for an extra five servings.

As always, air kisses to Videogum.

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