Sister Sunshine Is Your Fag Hag
July 18, 2011

Listen, queen. Don’t get Sister Sunshine wrong. It’s not that she hates gay people  or anything. After all, she loves how you two can go out for appletinis or stay in with pints of your favorite flavors of Häagen-Dazs (she just a fiend for the raspberry vanilla swirl!), and she looooves that you will always greet her problems with a comforting “Oh, gurhl…” and offer a sympathetic sassy snap when all is resolved. You’re totes her bestie!

But still…

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Zut Alors! It Looks Like I’ll Be Seeing New Moon As Well
July 24, 2009

Had you asked me before today if I would be seeing New Moon in theaters, let alone at all, I would’ve probably beaten you with a wire hanger for asking such a stupid question.  That, of course, was before I saw this bootleg clip from Comic Con, which pretty much makes the case for me having to see this movie opening night:

Holy ballz, y’allz.  I get that watching a YouTube clip of a camcorder recording of a movie is never the optimal way to watch a movie and judge its quality; however, I’m rather certain that doesn’t mean this movie will be any closer to a masterpiece as opposed to the totally ridiculous looking movie that it looks to be.  Is that stopping me from battling herds of zealous fangirls to plunk down $12.50 on opening night?  Of course not.

Whereas I look and see soft-core porn quality acting with sub-soft-core porn level excuses to get Taylor Lautner (who, in spite of the fact that his abs are insanse, is still very much 17) to take off his shirt, these girls are so deeply invested in this material that they carry on running commentaries/shriek-a-thons throughout the clip.  Is it werewolf tribal medicine that says shirts cure bleeding?  Or maybe washboard abs encourage proper clotting?  This certainly makes no sense to the uninitiated (aka, me), but that doesn’t stop these fans from Twigasming at the top of their lungs, and that’s a good thing!  Ever the fan of bearing witness to major moments in pop culture, I now feel it necessary to see New Moon opening night, and those squees of uncontrollable excitement are interactive-audience icing on the zeitgeist cake.

As the one girl says: THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!!!

PS: I’m pretty certain that said girl’s screams, particularly when they get so shrill as to sounding like a kazoo, have made me fall in love with her.  She’s my imaginary interweb fag hag, y’all.

UPDATE 8/19/09: The high quality clip of this strange cultural moment has been removed due to (what else) copyright infringement.  I’m pretty sure that this video is less about what we’re seeing and far more sociologically valuable as a document of the cultural movement that is the Twihards.  Fortunately for us, they will not be stopped, and we have a lower quality copy to preserve this moment.

You Do Not Come Between Gerta and the Pink Lingerie
April 22, 2009

I mostly know of Germany through Tom Tykwer’s movies and going to an Oktoberfest years ago in Georgia, so I’ve clearly got much to learn about the Germans and their culture.  Fortunately, this ad has given me a little more insight about the land of bratwurst Rainer Werner Fassbinder, which is that apparently German women go batshit crazy for a sale:

Hot damn, German women are clearly not afraid to cut a bitch if the price is right!  Or club a bitch with her own dismembered arm, for that matter.  It’s safe to say that, in between constant trips to the emergency room, you love to go shopping with all of these German women because they’re clearly your fag hags.

I guess I can now add “They’re rather aggressive during a recession” to my list German trivia facts, which also includes bon mots of factual wisdom like “Sauerkraut is delicious” and “Germans really know a thing or two about beer.”  As the Germans would say, fantastisch.  

More importantly, though, Hollywood really needs to important this director like he’s the new German Expressionism.  He could totally expand this into a full-length feature; it’d be like Battle Royale meets Confessions of a Shopaholic.  I totally would see that opening day, and don’t even try and pretend you wouldn’t as well.

Cheers to Videogum for finding this through copyranter.

This Viral Marketing Campaign Seals the Deal: I Absolutely Must See Obsessed on Opening Night
April 2, 2009

It’s no secret that I can’t wait to see Obsessed.  I’ve long enjoyed watching Ali Larter since her days in The House on Haunted Hill and Final Destination, and I’m quite serious that I believe this movie will make her a camp icon for a generation of the gays.  She’s like the Gina Gershon to Beyonce’s Elizabeth Berkley.  Now theres a new viral marketing campaign for the movie, Get Obsessed With Ali, and it’s totally set my camp sensors off.

All you do is upload a photo, answer a few simple questions from a list of preselected answers, and then the site generates a personal message from Ali’s totally crazy stalker character, Lisa.  It’s so simple, I can even do it:

obsessed-with-ali1

Ruh-roh!  Looks like Ali Larter’s my batshit insane stalkerriffic fag hag!  I hate it when that happens (I’m totally lying when I say that).

Beyond simply being a total pleasure to watch Ali’s eyes burn like a the flaming pyre of a warehouse of Levi’s bootcut crazy jeans burning to the ground, the ending is an absolute LOL-bomb, y’all.  Make sure you’ve just peed before you you make your own Get Obsessed With Ali video; you might otherwise wet yourself.

If this site is any indication, then Obsessed is well aware of the trashopalooza that it is.  April 24th will clearly be the campiest day of this month, and I’m painfully giddy in anticipation.  You should be too.

This Girl That Hates Stephen King is Your Fag Hag
February 13, 2009

I know that you two have been nearly inseparable since you met during your summer abroad when–afterwards–she moved stateside six weeks later to the apartment across the hall (surprise!). But gurrrrhl, we need to talk.

I know you’ve probably heard all this about a million times before because she talks about it every you go out to your favorite gay bar, but at least this time you’ve gotten the entire rant out in one interrupted swoop as opposed to when she’s constantly interrupting herself by asking, “Why are you checking that guy out?  He’s totally not your type!  Focus!  This is SERIOUSLY IMPORTANT!  LIMELIGHT!!!” after she’s had her third Flirtini but before she tries to make out with you.  So at least there’s that.

But don’t you think it’s about time you two had a talk?

You have to admit that this is almost as embarrassing as that time she vlogged for 18 minutes about your boyfriend because he said she was creepy and controlling and sending him death threats by text message, but really it’s your boyfriend who’s in the wrong because he’s jealous of the fact that she knew you first and he’s not getting any of the limelight and she’s just protective of you.  And then he broke up with you.  Ouch.

Or then that time you found her private LiveJournal post where she’d Photoshopped both your faces onto the Twilight poster.  Yeesh.

Seriously, I’m just saying that you may want to consider a good, long talk or an even better, longer friendship sabbatical before she dedicates “Maps” to you at karaoke night.  Again.  It’s beginning to get a little embarrassing.  I’m just saying.

Thanks Videogum.

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