Things That Should Not Exist: This Taylor Lautner New Moon Action Figure
July 28, 2009

Logic dictates that, for a product to exist, there must be a demand.  It’s for this reason that products like the Wearable Towel or the Comfort Wipe; they may be incredibly stupid and theoretically useless, but you know that someone somewhere actually saw these products as the solution to a problem.  Necessity is, after all, the mother of invention.

That said, I’m quite aware this Taylor Lautner New Moon action figure clearly has a theoretical demand.  It comes from people called Twihards, and they will consume anything and everything related to Stephenie Meyer’s ridicu-succesful Twilight franchise.  I may not be part of that fan base, and I imagine my only enjoyment (if any, really) of the franchise would be ironic, but I’m not going to trash the fans of Twilight because we’re all allowed our own opinions and taste.  No matter how ridiculous they are.  

In spite of all of this, Twihards, you really need to calm it because we now have a thing that should not exist:

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Zut Alors! It Looks Like I’ll Be Seeing New Moon As Well
July 24, 2009

Had you asked me before today if I would be seeing New Moon in theaters, let alone at all, I would’ve probably beaten you with a wire hanger for asking such a stupid question.  That, of course, was before I saw this bootleg clip from Comic Con, which pretty much makes the case for me having to see this movie opening night:

Holy ballz, y’allz.  I get that watching a YouTube clip of a camcorder recording of a movie is never the optimal way to watch a movie and judge its quality; however, I’m rather certain that doesn’t mean this movie will be any closer to a masterpiece as opposed to the totally ridiculous looking movie that it looks to be.  Is that stopping me from battling herds of zealous fangirls to plunk down $12.50 on opening night?  Of course not.

Whereas I look and see soft-core porn quality acting with sub-soft-core porn level excuses to get Taylor Lautner (who, in spite of the fact that his abs are insanse, is still very much 17) to take off his shirt, these girls are so deeply invested in this material that they carry on running commentaries/shriek-a-thons throughout the clip.  Is it werewolf tribal medicine that says shirts cure bleeding?  Or maybe washboard abs encourage proper clotting?  This certainly makes no sense to the uninitiated (aka, me), but that doesn’t stop these fans from Twigasming at the top of their lungs, and that’s a good thing!  Ever the fan of bearing witness to major moments in pop culture, I now feel it necessary to see New Moon opening night, and those squees of uncontrollable excitement are interactive-audience icing on the zeitgeist cake.

As the one girl says: THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!!!

PS: I’m pretty certain that said girl’s screams, particularly when they get so shrill as to sounding like a kazoo, have made me fall in love with her.  She’s my imaginary interweb fag hag, y’all.

UPDATE 8/19/09: The high quality clip of this strange cultural moment has been removed due to (what else) copyright infringement.  I’m pretty sure that this video is less about what we’re seeing and far more sociologically valuable as a document of the cultural movement that is the Twihards.  Fortunately for us, they will not be stopped, and we have a lower quality copy to preserve this moment.

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