The Nina Sayers of Quizno’s Ads
March 28, 2011

They’ve used nightmare hamsters of the interwebs:

D*ck-starved oven monsters:

And, most recently, a Bette-Davis-drag-queen-lookalike who is actually just some lady channeling Bette circa Jezebel and wearing clown makeup circa Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?:

All of them have danced the dance, for sure, but who shall be Quizno’s Marketing’s Swan Queen?

Ah, yes:

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Nothing Gets Done When You’re Craving Cookies
July 23, 2009

Faithful readers and fresh-off-the-blog-boaters, I must be honest: I’ve got a problem.  No, it’s not a love for the Sauce, nor is it for anything that could snorted (thank goodness) or shot into my veins (absolutely not).  No no, I’ve got a different sort of problem, and that problem’s name is Cookies.

cookie monster c'est moi

Really, if you put any form, no matter the shape, consistency, texture, or list of ingredients in front of me, I will snatch that shit away from you quicker than you can blink.  The only answer I know to the question “Would you like a cookie?” is “I’ll take three.”  The only  response I have to “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re out” is “BAKE MORE, WHORES!!!”  

When I’m not eating cookies, I’m thinking about eating cookies.  Seriously, I can’t even blog sometimes because all I’d would write would be this:

COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE.

Even I don’t even find that compelling, and I’m the one thinking about pecan sandies at this very moment.  

And even when I am eating cookies, I’m thinking about eating other types of cookies, which I guess is sorta like imagining having sex with someone other than the person you’re having sex with, except I’m thinking about Double Stuf Oreos instead of Ryan Gosling.  It’s a problem, y’all.  

Now I know you probably think I’m totally making this up and that Cookie Addiction, like modern art and women’s rights, is just some bogus joke perpetrated by the bourgeois liberal elite.  Trust me, y’all, it’s a real problem, and it will destroy your family.  Just look at how it can ravage the mind:

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