Move That Cone! It’s Lindsay Lohan’s Esurance Commercial!
February 2, 2015

lindsay lohan liz & dick so bored gif

If you ask me, the Super Bowl was Super Blah. Katy Perry was serviceable if not particularly spectacular, football continues to baffle and bore, and Russell Wilson didn’t ask me to be his boyfriend. In a GIF, I was bored. I was so bored.

There was one highlight last night, though, and that was this Esurance commercial starring Lindsay Lohan:

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Well, This Is a Thing: “The Stanley Steemer Variations” By Mia
December 11, 2012

Look, I’m as confused as you probably are about what this is. I mean, it’s definitely weird, but also strangely compelling and kinda, possibly fabulous? I don’t really know, you guys, but I do know “The Stanley Steemer Variations” is definitely a thing we’ve experienced together. Like a group hug with theater face. Or a shared trauma with lots of costume changes. Again, I’m not sure. Regardless, this thing–whatever it is–has happened, and it might be happening again for some us right now, but who’s to judge? We can quit whenever we want. Stanley f*cking Steemer, indeed.

Much love to Videogum for this one.

Rejoice! Now There’s a Solution for the Global Pandemic of Dull and Boring Toilets!
February 26, 2010

I used to think that the most excitement you could have with going to the bathroom is eating four Filet-O-Fish sandwiches at the same time:

That, dear readers, is the Russian Roulette of pooping your pants.  

Anyways, apparently I was wrong:

Spectacular.  It’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure, but for bowel movements!

All joking aside, it’s pretty clear that we all need a Wow Toilet in our life.  Think about it.  You could get companies to sponsor your toilet, which is a great way to make money and announce to your guests that you’re a corporate whore.  I mean, maybe it’s just me, but I’d gladly have a picture of Steve Jobs staring back at me every time I used the loo if it got me any closer to an iPad.

And, if nothing else, you can have your customizable Wow Toilet match this striking bathroom set:

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Nothing Tastes as Good as Diva Feels
February 11, 2010

I’m pretty sure this Snickers commercial isn’t quite what Kate Moss meant when she said her life motto was “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”  But I’m also pretty sure that if there’s any truth to this Snickers commercial, Kate Moss is some sort of all-knowing Magic 8 Ball made out of hungry orphans’ tears and the occasional carrot stick:

It should go without saying that I think this ad is brilliant, and I feel like having a Snickers to reward all that cleverness.  That, and my inner-fat girl’s on her heavy-flow day.  But it’s also worth mentioning that if the gist of this ad is that making like Ms. Moss and just saying no to solid food holds the power to magically transform you into Aretha Franklin and/or Liza Minnelli, isn’t this ad actually about the importance of NEVER EATING AGAIN?

Sure, I recognize that–what with my weaknesses for cookies, Bloomin’ Onions, McDonald’s, anything you can deep-fry or smother in gravy or preferably both, as well as most anything found the snack aisle at Duane Reade–I probably can’t even muster up enough hunger pangs to transform me into an excessively bitchy Judy Garland impersonator.  Still, I’d like to believe that with enough will power (there’s is not enough will power in the world, but let’s pretend), I could become so hungry that I’d become the diva equivalent of sending Liza Minnelli and Aretha Franklin through a telepod.  At the same time:

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The Necky Is the Perfect Secret Santa Gift to Anonymously Say, “You’re Lazy. And I Hate You.”
December 15, 2009

Wait, what?  You’re waging a cultural battle against scarves because they’re too confusing and frequently ineffective and quite possibly death traps, and your solution is like a turtleneck bib made out of fleece and some velcro?  And you mean to pawn off “designer leopard” as a color as well?  UGH.  The only people lazier than every single person involved in the conceptualization, production, and advertising of the Necky are the people who will indubitably think that the Necky is a practical item that will improve their standard of living.  Seriously, people, TRY HARDER.

That said, I imagine the end of the scarves’ hegemonic oppression and the beginning of such a brave new Neckied world would look even lazier still, which can only mean dated pop culture references and amateurish Photoshopping skillz, so basically this:

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It’s About Lunchtime; Here’s Something Haunt Your Nightmares
February 9, 2009

Ruh-roh.  Looks like somebody laced the Denny’s ad team’s cocaine with some LSD! 

I for one know that I’m totally off pancakes for the next month.  And probably off Denny’s for infinity.  That is no nannerpuss; that thing is a swamp monster.  A swamp monster with a frustratingly catchy jingle that indubitably plays on loop in Hell.  

Oh, by the way: you’re welcome.

Thanks, Gawker.

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