For Your Consideration in Camp: Highlights from the Burlesque Rotten Tomatoes Pull Quotes
November 24, 2010

When you think about how often I freak my freak out over Showgirls, you might’ve figured I’d have been flailing my fey little blog hands (like spirit fingers across the keyboard, if you will) on the daily when it came to the Cher and Xtina cinematic extravaganza, Burlesque.  After all, any movie musical set in the world of burlesque theater starring Cher and Christina Aguilera could very well be the next Showgirls, and at the very least it’s sure to wrestle away the crown–or would it be wig?–for Gayest Movie Ever (sorry, Gang Bang Bottoms 17).  If nothing else, it’s a testament to my unabashed faggotry that so many people shared the trailer with me as if I wasn’t all over it (thanks, you guys!!!).  Believe me, ladyfriends, I was.  It’s just that I ended up doing a bunch of this whenever I watched the trailer.  But with a whole lot more rainbow confetti.  You know, the usual homo things stuff.

ANYWAYS, Burlesque is out today, so obviously I’m excited (so excited!).  More importantly, though, that means the reviews for Burlesque are out (so excited!), which means the critics consensus over at Rotten Tomatoes has spoken: Burlesque sits at rather bleak 32% over at Rotten Tomatoes (so scared!).  Could my greatest fear–that Burlesque could be a Sex and the City 2 instead of a Showgirls–be true?!?  Mais non, mes soeurs.  I’ve gathered a few delectable quotes (with a dash of commentary) to give us hope that Burlesque could in fact be the Great Camp Hope for which we’ve all been waiting:

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Blog Post #529, in Which There’s the Obligatory Liza Minnelli Drag Queen Photo Shoot from Halloween
November 8, 2010

For me, every Halloween’s outcome is a crap shoot.  Some years I’ll really get into the spirit and go out all dressed (or dragged) up, and other years will be spent holed up in my bedroom with whatever horror movies I can get my hand on and a bag of candy, all hopped-up on sugar and shouting obscenities at the television.  Fortunately enough, this year I ended up going with the former after I was invited to a Halloween party by my dear friend Lindsay.  Of course she and I would have to go as a pair, but obviously not as a lazy metaphor for sexual penetration:

Mostly because that lock costume would make me self-conscious about my hips, but whatever, I digress.

Our plan was to go as Lucille and Lucille II from Arrested Development; however, that fell through when we found that every last old-lady-with-a-bob wig was snatched up like it was a Brazilian drag competition.  All the same, I knew I still had to go as Liza Minnelli because:

  1. If Sandra Lee can do it semi-homemade, so could I.
  2. I’d already committed to the look by shaving my beard and dying my hair.
  3. Duh.
  4. Double-duh.

ANYWAYS, I’m not usually one to put overtly personal material up here (this isn’t LiveJournal, ladies!), but I did Liza drag this weekend, damnit, and if this tranny train wreck isn’t at least slightly camp, I’m clearly in need of six weeks intensive camp therapy (Joan Crawford movie marathons and Showgirls dance lessons).  If nothing else, this’ll be good for a laugh.  Or extremely vivid nightmares about a tackily dressed middle-aged lesbian.  Either/or, I would like to present without any further ado:

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Today’s Fabulous Image in Cinema: Carla Gugino in Watchmen
July 30, 2010

When you consider how I feel about Carla Gugino in Watchmen, and then you throw in how I feel about fabulous ladies in fabulous glasses, Today’s Fabulous Image in Cinema of Carla Gugino as the original Silk Spectre, replete with latex jowls and rhinestone-studded granny glasses, is a no-brainer.  Seriously, where’s the boozy old-lady Silk Spectre spin-off we all (and by “we all,” I mean me) have been demanding?  Hollywood, I smell a sequel, and it smells like cheap liquor and Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds!

Oh, and do be sure to click to enlarge and appreciate the faux-geriatic fabulousness of it all.

Today’s (Much Belated) Fabulous Image in Cinema: Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal
July 21, 2010

When things get quiet over at this particular corner of the internet, the reality is there’s only person we have to blame, and that person is me.  The only problem with this is that I’m a blame shifter, so when things get quiet over at this particular corner of the internet (at least this time around), it’s Christopher Nolan’s fault.  Seriously, he’s the man behind Inception, and I’m merely the owner of the mind that movie melted, which mean he’s the one who committed the mind crime!  (Get it?!?)  Besides, Joseph Gordon Levitt looking positively dapper (or do I mean Draper?) in a suit and vest will muddle your brain for days like that.  Oh, and the Mad Men Fever obviously isn’t helping my crazy, either.  Anyways, we’re not here to talk about Inception (YET); we’re here to talk about Today’s (much belated) Fabulous Image in Cinema, and Today’s (much belated) Fabulous Image in Cinema is from Notes on a Scandal, so let’s talk about it.

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Today’s Fabulous Image in Cinema: Karen Black in Day of the Locust
July 13, 2010

I’m not saying that we need a remake of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, and that’s because you really can’t improve upon Robert Aldrich’s masterpiece of high camp horror.  That said, I would like the above image be exhibit A in that–if there were to be a What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? remake–John Schlesinger should helm it, and he should cast Karen Black in the role of Baby Jane AND Blanche Hudson.  Sure, you might expect me to push for everyone’s favorite hard-boiled-egg enthusiast to reprise one of the roles (either would do, really), but is there a band devoted to the voluptuous horror of Faye Dunaway, or even just some slightly curvaceous creepiness?  No, I didn’t think so.

And as usual, don’t hesitate to click to enlarge and appreciate the (garish) fabulousness of it all.

[Update: In an embarrassing oversight brought to light in the comments, John Schlesinger sadly passed away in 2003.  Looks like a certain fantasy project just went from improbable to impossible.]

Here’s Christine Pedi Doing Liza Minnelli and Carol Channing Doing Lady Gaga’s “Telephone”
July 9, 2010

Naturally, it’s fabulous, so of course you should watch it:

I must admit, however, that as I was watching this shimmering, rainbow-scaled ouroboros of unmitigated homosexuality, a series of thoughts did my mind:

  1. This is indubitably one the gayest things I’ve ever seen, but debatably THE gayest thing, so He-Man can take his fabulous secret powers and sit back down.  For now.
  2. The Snickers bar, as we all know, is an excellent touch.
  3. Also, now I’m in the mood for a Snickers.
  4. And a martini.
  5. Oh, and while we’re at it, raspberries as well.
  6. Come to think of it, I should probably hit up the grocery store after work.  Oops, digression!
  7. Anybody in the mood for a round of Movie Critic?
  8. I wonder if the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck’s ice cream come in d*ck flavor, and if so, what would that taste like?  Sausage and Old Spice, perhaps?
  9. But most importantly:

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Today’s Fabulous Image in Cinema: Kathleen Byron in Black Narcissus
June 29, 2010

Because this single shot of Sister Ruth putting on her red lipstick in Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger’s 1947 masterpiece, Black Narcissus, is simultaneously the single greatest moment of high-camp pleasure and psychological horror.  She’s undeniably fabulous, for sure, but this bitch has also lost her damn mind.

Oh, and don’t hesitate to click to enlarge and appreciate the fabulousness of it all.

Important Breaking News of Utmost Importance: Scissor Sisters’ Night Work Is Streaming Online!
June 25, 2010

You know what’s really, really gay in the most ferocious of ways?  This promo still for the new Scissor Sisters album, Night Work:

Camp, after all, is a queer sensibility derived from the French slang camper, which means “to pose in an exaggerated fashion”, and this photo is all about the highly stylized placement and posing of our beloved Sisters.  Of course, this photo is also about Ana Matronic’s hair.  And that double breasted jacket.  And those fetching high heels.  And Del Marquis being my favorite piece of guitar-playing, suited-up hot sex.  And the pearls, OH, the pearls!  In fact, the only thing that throws this picture off is Jake Shear’s vinyl underoos.  Girl, don’t go butchin’ my heart!

ANYWAYS, the new Scissor Sisters album, Night Work, is streaming over on MySpace, and the Sisters and producer Stuart Price have met–nay, exceeded!–my every hope of making the most gloriously gay album EVER.  Clearly this means you need to give it a listen.  Immediately.  And really, why wouldn’t you?

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Important Findings in the Album Art for Christina Aguilera’s Bionic
June 11, 2010

Over on Facebook, a friend of mine described Christina Aguilera’s Bionic as mostly consisting of “transparent attempts to pander to obnoxious queens.” I recognize that taste is a subjective thing, so he could be wrong, but he did study music production, so I’m willing to trust his critical assessment on this matter.  Besides, it probably explains why I’m enjoying Bionic so damn much.  After all, if Christina Aguilera’s latest album was an early-to-mid-90s Marvel Comic character, she’d be Nymphomaniac Robotranny Joan Crawford 2099:

In which case, how could I not love this nonsense?

Some of the songs, like “I Am” (co-written by Sia and painfully lovely in its chamber pop minimalism) and the glorious “My Girls” (a Le Tigre-penned track with a Peaches rap interlude, so electropop fantastiche), are legitimately good songs; other songs, like the ode to muff diving called “Woo Hoo” and the oh-so-unsubtly titled “Sex for Breakfast,” feature lyrics so cartoonishly sexual that they could fit right into Showgirls: The Musical (book and lyrics by Joe  Eszterhas, music by Andrew Lloyd Weber on a burritos and meth bender).  And then there’s “Vanity,” a song that scales to such heights of camp absurdity that it’s another post all unto itself.  Bionic may be neither a work of high art nor a pop masterpiece, but much of it’s so frequently batshit crazy and so thoroughly listenable that I find it irresistible.

ANYWAYS, as I was flipping through the album art for Bionic (which is as bonkers and fabulous–if not even more so–than the album itself), I had a revelation, and that revelation was that Christina Aguilera and I both share a love of Karen Black in The Day of the Locust.  Here’s Karen Black on the poster for The Day of the Locust:

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The Single Greatest Artistic Achievement of the 21st Century
May 28, 2010

Artist: Countess LuAnn of The Real Housewives of New York

Title: “Money Can’t Buy You Class”

Year: 2010

Medium: Mixed (Audio, Video, Tranny Robot)

Canonical Status: INSTANTANEOUS MASTERPIECE

Holy f*ck.

Well, I guess art students across America can all just go kill themselves while listening to their Smiths records now, because they’re never going to top that.  Ever.

And you know that somewhere in this great big world of ours, Nomi Malone is shedding a single bedazzled tear of pride:

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Let’s All Watch the Video for Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” Why? Because I Said So
May 18, 2010

One of my friends decided that today was Billy Joel Tuesday, which–as I’m a child of the ’80s–is the sort of thing I can get behind; unfortunately, given how neither Billy Joel nor his music fall under the banner of homo things, this is really just an excuse to post the video for “We Didn’t Start the Fire” and marvel at its real star: that kitchen.

That kitchen is like a cross between a history lesson in American kitsch aesthetics and a museum of pop culture tchotchkes throughout the ages.  In hindsight, it all looks rather garish and camp, particularly the late 80s, but that doesn’t come as a particular surprise.  After all, the 80s was all about shoulder pads for women, which are only acceptable when you’re Joan Crawford.  Or starring in an episode of Dynasty:

That’s not to say I’m complaining, though.  No no, when it comes to that kitchen, I want to go to all of theres, so let’s all sit back and enjoy the video for Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”:

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When Christina Aguilera Tickles Your Gay Fancy, She Pre-Sells Another Copy of Bionic
April 27, 2010

I may know about as much about selling records as I do about finding the G-spot (a surprising amount, actually!), which is precisely why I concur with Christina Aguilera that tranny glambot from outer space is a great look to put on the cover for your latest album, Bionic:

christina aguilera bionic album cover high resolution

Think about it for a second and you’ll realize how this cover has great crossover appeal for both Joan Crawford enthusiasts AND cyborg fetishists.  Genius!

Also, if this promotional photo from the video for “Not Myself Tonight” is any indicator, she’s also wisely courting fans of Showgirls, Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” video, and leather daddies.  Or in other words, quite possibly every gay man on Earth:

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Let’s All Cross Our Fingers That Scissor Sisters’ Night Work Will Be the Gayest Album EVER
April 14, 2010

I recognize that it’s probably too soon to say for sure, but any Scissor Sisters album that’s produced by Stuart Price (the man responsible for two of my favorite glitter bombs, Madonna’s Confessions on a Dance Floor and The Killers’ Day & Age) is pretty much guaranteed to put a limp in your wrist and a swish in your swagger.  But what about the Scissor Sisters album produced by Stuart Price with a Robert Mapplethorpe photo for its cover?

Or the Scissor Sisters album produced by Stuart Price with a Robert Mapplethorpe photo for its cover and a first released song called “Invisible Light,” which is six glorious minutes of bedazzled post-disco bliss that includes a monologue by none other than Sir Ian McKellan?

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Sex and the City BOOOOO!, or: Sometimes You Just Have to Shut Up and Drink the Kool-Aid-tini
April 9, 2010

I’m really glad that I never said I’d eat Charlotte’s spaceship hat if I became excited for Sex and the City 2, because right about now I’d be trolling Paula Deen’s website in hopes of figuring out how to best deep fry that thing.  New (and appealing!) Sex and the City 2 trailer, y’all:

Maybe the stick I’ve had up my ass about this movie has finally given me toxic shock, or perhaps my emotional age is getting to be as old as Samantha’s cooch and thus causing early onset dementia, but Sex and the City 2 doesn’t look half bad.  I mean, it doesn’t look good in the way that the latter, more emotionally nuanced seasons ever were, but I’m willing to make peace with the fact that these movies will never recapture that feel, so I might as well quit my bitching and raise the pink flag to Michael Patrick King.  Seriously, given that Carrie’s plotline is like Casablanca if Casablanca dropped the whole Nazi thing and was set in Abu Dhabi and written by a drag queen, I’m already sorta giddy.  But then there’s this moment that made me go “Whaaat?“:

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You’re Tearing Me Apart, Music Video for Florence + the Machine’s “Dog Days Are Over”!
April 8, 2010

See, the cultural studies nerd in me has this sneaking suspicion there’s something problematic at work in the way this video seems to be appropriating non-white cultures into a camp spectacle of otherness.  “Dog Days Are Over”‘s imagery is utterly arresting, for sure, but it’s also difficult to watch this video without wondering if a certain level of cultural imperialism is at work:

The gay man in me, meanwhile, doesn’t see anything wrong with what I imagine going on “It’s a Small World” must be like while wearing tranny-acid-flashback goggles.  Seriously.  If my inner gay were an inner bitchy drag queen, she’d tell me to stick a dick in my trap and shut it.

Joel Schumacher’s Twelve Could Be Gossip Girl on Bonkers Pills or: In Defense of the Twelve Trailer
April 7, 2010

It’s important to note that you shouldn’t do drugs, but if you’re adamant about making bad life choices like Emily Meade is in Twelve, it is wise to at least to put yourself in a room that will make tripping balls a bit more like “Cycles” as directed by a gay man:

twelve emily meade teddy bears

It’s also important to note that the trailer for Joel Schumacher’s adaptation of the Nick McDonell’s novel Twelve contains the following in no particular order: sex, drugs, spoiled white kids, foul language, violence, “Kids” by MGMT, Kiefer Sutherland’s velvet sex voice, Manhattan’s Upper East Side, 50 Cent being ridiculously jacked and leaving little to the imagination, Chace Crawford with facial scruff, and Ellen Barkin.  Naturally, this begs two questions:

  1. Is this extended trailer safe for your place of work?
  2. Can you please explain to me how Twelve won’t end up being the best fake episode of Gossip Girl EVER?

Twelve trailer, y’all:

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In Honor of Bette Davis’s Birthday, Small Pleasures of Now, Voyager
April 5, 2010

Beyond the singular pleasure that comes from watching a pitch perfect, classic Hollywood melodrama or the preternatural pleasure that is all but inevitable when witnessing Bette Davis’s deeply moving turn as Charlotte Vale, there are plenty of smaller pleasures to be gleaned from Now, Voyager.  Pleasures like Bette Davis wearing the most fabulous movie hat to end all movie hats:

Seriously, Bette Davis’s hat gives all other movie hats hat envy. Particularly Kate Winslet’s hat from the beginning of Titanic.  It’s a movies-with-narratives-that-prominently-feature-cruise-ships thing.

And here’s Bette Davis knitting while wearing the sort of sunglasses that make me long for a time when sunglass–and the rest of the world–stood for things that really mattered.  Namely glamour:

Some people might say that it’s those sunglasses cover up those Bette Davis eyes. Everyone will say I should get off the stage for writing such an embarrassing pun.

Oh!  And I’d be remiss to not mention the greatest Now, Voyager gift of all:

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In Honor of the 105th Anniversary of Her Birthday, Here’s a Bevy of Joan Crawford Doing What Joan Crawford Does Best
March 23, 2010

From a still for the 1932 film Letty Lynton, here’s Joan Crawford epitomizing 1930s glamor in front of the most glorious Art Deco revolving doorway I’ve ever seen:

I’d like to imagine that this is the gay man’s version (or at least this gay man’s version) of Saint Peter and the Pearly Gates, but that might count too much of a good thing even by Heaven’s standards, so I can be willing to settle for just the doorway.

Here’s Joan Crawford’s cameo in the 1949 Doris Day vehicle It’s a Great Feeling:

Or as I like to call it, “Joan Crawford in furs, birthing cinematic Postmodernism.”

And then there’s Queen Bee, which leaves me without many words whether it’s as a single image:

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It’s Probably Way Too Early for Me to Be This Excited About Elektra Luxx; But Also: OOPS!, Too Late!
March 17, 2010

Seeing as Elektra Luxx just premiered at SXSW, and seeing as this most likely means that (like its predecessor, Women in Trouble) Elektra Luxx won’t be released into theaters ’til late fall, I know I shouldn’t be getting worked up about seeing this movie quite so soon, PARTICULARLY when I still haven’t seen Women in Trouble to confirm if it is in fact the candy-colored campstravaganza I so hope it to be.  Seriously, this could be a recipe for most disappointing thing since that one time when the nerds saw Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace or that other time when I saw the trailer for Marc Vorlander’s Showgirls: The Return, but something tells me that’s doubtful, and that something is poster:

electra luxx posterErmm, I’m sorry, but in such instances of hot pink, European-movie-poster chic fabulousness, I’ve every reason to freak my freak out.  This poster has already won the Silver in the 2010 HomOlympics (Gold and Lifetime Achievements went to Johnny Weir because le duh), so let’s not even talk about the plot summary.  Wait, scratch that and channel some Jessica-Alba-in-Fantastic-Four annunciation: LET’S:

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The Official Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner Response to Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” ft. Beyoncé
March 12, 2010

Preaction:

Action:

Reaction:

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