Like many fair-weather Catholics, I only observe the major holidays: Christmas presents, Easter chocolates, year-round guilt and shame, and the 40 days of Lent Facebook status updates. Since I don’t have any more vices to give up this year (except for coffee and meat, which ha ha and NO), this Ash Wednesday I’ve decided to give in to forty days of daily exercise and daily blog posts. Also, since I still haven’t seen Ash Wednesday, I’m giving in to bootleg DVDs and finally ordering this most tantalizing cinemystery. I mean, I get that this is the Elizabeth Taylor plastic surgery melodrama, but this movie looks f**king bonkers, y’all:
Elizabeth Taylor’s Ash Wednesday: A Barely Topical Midweek Post
February 18, 2015
Joel Schumacher’s Twelve Could Be Gossip Girl on Bonkers Pills or: In Defense of the Twelve Trailer
April 7, 2010
It’s important to note that you shouldn’t do drugs, but if you’re adamant about making bad life choices like Emily Meade is in Twelve, it is wise to at least to put yourself in a room that will make tripping balls a bit more like “Cycles” as directed by a gay man:
It’s also important to note that the trailer for Joel Schumacher’s adaptation of the Nick McDonell’s novel Twelve contains the following in no particular order: sex, drugs, spoiled white kids, foul language, violence, “Kids” by MGMT, Kiefer Sutherland’s velvet sex voice, Manhattan’s Upper East Side, 50 Cent being ridiculously jacked and leaving little to the imagination, Chace Crawford with facial scruff, and Ellen Barkin. Naturally, this begs two questions:
- Is this extended trailer safe for your place of work?
- Can you please explain to me how Twelve won’t end up being the best fake episode of Gossip Girl EVER?
Twelve trailer, y’all:
Glorious News! Rena Riffel’s Showgirl Will Be the Showgirls Sequel/Remake/Somethingorother of Our Penny/Hopes and Dreams
March 4, 2010
Showgirls: The Return may purport to be the sequel to the greatest movie of all time (because it adds “The Return” to the end of the title), but if the extended trailer’s any indication, that doesn’t mean I have to treat this half-cooked sauerbraten like its canon:
What have you done, Marc Vorlander? Sure, I haven’t seen this many boobs-per-minute since the last time I watched Showgirls (January 16, 2010, but who’s counting?), which I guess counts as a step in the right direction, but everything else about this trailer is a turgid art-house hot mess. A Showgirls sequel shouldn’t look boring, but this looks BORING. Even worse, I don’t see any Rena Riffel, and we were promised Rena Riffel! Seriously, universe, is there no Penny/hope for a Showgirls follow-up that lives up to the original?
Oh wait, there is:
Joan Crawford Knows Kung Fu
February 2, 2010
Sure, technically it’s Judo, not Kung Fu, but let’s focus on what’s important in this video, and what’s important is that this is from a movie that stars Joan Crawford as a mental hospital’s head nurse who teaches Judo to the other nurses so they may use it against the ward’s patients. And even moreso? This movie exists, and its poster is fabulous:
Sweet mercy! I’m happy enough that The Caretakers features Evil Nurse Joan Crawford with karate-chop action. I mean, Joan Crawford performances are like Pokemon toys for gay men: you gotta catch ’em all! But then I’m confronted with all these images female hysteria in the poster, and I get so overwhelmed, and all of a sudden I’m out in the streets making a scene. Sorta like Polly Bergen in The Caretakers:
Now don’t get me wrong, Powder Blue is a howlingly bad movie experience. It isn’t so much a movie as a string of individual cinematic train wrecks that have been confused for scenes, and it’s definitely in the lead as the most campalicious movie of 2009. Well, was.
Dear readers, I give you the new Great Camp Hope of 2009:
First off, I don’t need to get started about the tag line. It pretty much speaks for its ridiculous self. But there’s the pink font that looks like it’s straight-up out of a bad 70s European art house sex farce, and let’s not forget how I feel about Carla Gugino. I don’t recognize anyone else mentioned in this poster save for Simon Baker, but who cares? This poster is basically about pretty girls and boobs, which I’m pretty sure was the high concept for Showgirls, so consider my appetite whetted.
But there’s also the trailer, and…well…it can only be described as some bizarre amalgamation of Showgirls and Magnolia and Almodovar and every women’s dramedy from the past two decades:
Showgirls 2? There’s Going to Be a SHOWGIRLS 2?!?
October 8, 2009
Anyone who knows me or has spent any time with this blog is well aware of how I feel about a certain cinematic masterstroke:
Sure, I imagine that every time I fall into some tangent extolling the virtues of this classic of classics, my mother rolls her eyes and wonders how I could ever love such garbage. Garbage like this:
Based on the above clip, however, I believe the more important question is “How could you not love such garbage?” Seriously, Showgirls, you had me at “DIFFERENT PLACES!”
Anywhosie, there’s now a rumor circulating all over the internet about a sequel to Showgirls, and though I honestly am inclined to call shenanigans, we still need to talk about this like it’s chips and nails.
Recessions, y’all. They’re the worst. The economy’s a bailout black hole, unemployment rates just seem to keep rising, and movies are a leisure that are increasingly unworthy of the $12.50 price of admission. Yeesh! Who wants to pay that much money for a movie about terminating robots, or a movie about transforming robots, or a movie talking guinea pigs (that, given this summer’s crappy movie trend, might also be robots)? And this weekend we get G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra, which is not about robots, but looks to include robot suits and performances that are equally stiff:
Admittedly this looks more mediocre than flat-out terrible, and one could argue that Sienna Miller’s quip about shoes is a welcomed moment of camp, but mediocrity is rarely worth $12.50. Instead, might I suggest renting the camp ridiculousness that is Obsessed? Sure, I already reviewed it months ago, but now it’s out on DVD, and that means you’ve no excuse not to see it! Just look at Beyonce give good (bitch)face and tell me it’s not worth the meager cost of a rental:
But wait, there’s more! So much more!
Well, if this internet commenter’s supposed spoiler is to be revealed, lil’ oprhan Esther’s secret is out of the bag, and it’s even more batshit insane than I could’ve ever anticipated. I won’t explicitly discuss the details, but I’ll say this: It’s honestly such an impressively thought-out, completely out-of-nowhere sort of twist that I believe it. And want to see this movie immediately so I can confirm its validity. Not since the phrase “non-religious identical twin stigmata” has an ending scaled such heights of so-bad-it’s-brilliant absurdity. Seriously, y’all, it’s so damn trashtastically awful that it’s pretty much seals the deal: Orphan is destined for of camp/cult/bad horror movie greatness.
On one hand, if it’s true, I’ll be terribly disappointed to not have such a wonderfully gonzo revelation dropped in my lap in the final moments of the film. But on the other hand:
No, poster, obviously the interwebs cannot keep a secret. In the age of the internet, nobody can keep their trap shut to save their damn life, and it’s a rather brilliant move on the part of Orphan‘s marketing campaign to sell a film all around a climactic narrative reveal in a time where spoilers are all but anticipated. When you think about it, it’s a clever spin on an old advertising tradition. (more…)
A Guide to the Red-Band Jennifer’s Body Trailer For People That Don’t Care About Megan Fox’s Boobs
July 7, 2009
Have you seen the red-band trailer for Jennifer’s Body, which sells us Diablo Cody’s teen horror film by emphasizing the cursing and Megan Fox’s boobs? Oh, and Megan Fox being teasingly “bisexual”? Maybe it’s me, I can’t help but think Showgirls did the boobs and bisexuality so much better and with so much less Megan Fox. Fortunately, I think the rest of us (and by rest of us, I mean people lacking an interest in Megan Fox and/or her boobs) still have plenty to be excited about.
For starters, there’s Amanda Seyfried:
And she’s been the best since her scene-stealing turn in Mean Girls, and it’s simply a matter of time before she finally blows up. She infinitely appealing and incredibly versatile (I believe her dumb blond every bit as much as her high school outcast), and this could be the breakthrough she deserves. After all, Jamie Lee Curtis–the original Final Girl–made it big with Halloween. For those of us who appreciate women or character and substance, she’s the Jennifer’s Body (Final) girl to watch.
And what about a generation’s nostalgia for a certain West-Coast based teen soap? Jennifer’s Body has got the goods IN SPADES:
Rejoice! Powder Blue is Out on DVD Today!
May 26, 2009
I woke up this morning with an extra spring in my step and a renewed sense of hope for the world. It’s safe to say that we all know why:
YESSSSSS!!! After what’s seemed like an eternity of waiting, Powder Blue has finally made it’s way to DVD!
Today feels just like Christmas, which–seeing as Powder Blue is set on Christmas Eve–is totally fitting. Only it’s much better than Christmas because we’re getting Forest Whitaker begging a tranny prostitute to kill him, Lisa Kudrow sharing her tips to a successful diet, and a whole bunch of Jessica Biel’s ACTING. And her dirty pillows. Mostly, though, we’re getting Jessica Biel’s ACTING, which apparently involves her being addicted to cocaine (naturally…because she’s a stripper) and pouring candle wax on her ta-tas (naturally…because she’s a stripper). In other words, Powder Blue is the classiest, most seriously artistic endeavor cinema has ever seen. EVER. Thank you, Timothy Linh Bui.
Don’t even bother Netflixing this mess, y’all. We may be in a recession so blah blah blah fiscal responsibility blah blah blah, but that doesn’t mean you can’t afford the small pittance it’ll cost on Amazon. Seriously, $12.99 (plus shipping and handling, ‘cos I know you want this mess overnighted) is a bonafide bargain if it’s supporting the beginning of Jessica Biel’s inevitable career as a camp icon. This is her Showgirls, y’all, and she’s Powder Blue‘s Elizabeth Berkley. And don’t even bother feigning your best surprise face: I’ve already got my copy next to me.
So I hope you prepare yourself, people. I’m about to bring the Powder Blue love out like it’s my blog job, and that’s a blog promise. I hope you like batshit crazy, because that’s all I’ll be serving for quite a while.
And, lastly, if you came here looking for Jessica Biel’s boobs and are disappointed to instead find a distinct lack of said boobs, allow me to redirect you here. There you go. Biel boobs to warm your heart and nourish your inner aspect. You’re welcome.
The Girl on a Motorcycle‘s Mind-Blowing Ridiculousness Defies Understanding and Description
April 27, 2009
After the very sad passing of Jack Cardiff, one of my dearest professors/good friends/fellow lover of bad movies turned me onto a movie that the great cinematographer also directed. This movie is called The Girl on a Motorcycle, and it stars Marianne Faithfull as (you guessed it!) a girl on a motorcycle. Alain Delon also stars in it as the lover the Girl has left her husband for, and there’s lots of psychedelics because it’s the 60s and that’s just what happened. Judging by what I’ve found online in terms of clips, I cannot tell if this movie is a profoundly bad movie that’s made even more magical by being so dated as a product of the late 60s, or if The Girl on the Motorcycle has always been the transcendentally bad experience it looks to be. Whatever the case, there’s little I can say about The Girl on a Motorcycle other than the fact that these clips make it look TOTALLY AMAZING.
To start, there’s the trailer:
Absolutely incredible. In a mere 50 seconds, my mind has been blown multiple times by the unbridled lunacy of this affair. The music is spectacularly kitschy, the sex looks like the antithesis of erotic, Marianne Faithfull’s face are priceless, and that narration sends me into an unprecedented fit of giggles from the sheer camp of it all.
And trust me when I tell you that it’s not just a bad trailer. These are the opening credits:
Whoah. Before seeing this, I never realized that a freakin’ credit sequence could be such a dazzling train wreck, but they apparently can. Learning is fun, yay! It of course doesn’t hurt to finally see where the total campsterpiece that is Batman Forever took inspiration for its title sequence. Ladies and gentlemen, if title sequences are any indication for what cinematically lies ahead, I’m gonna hazard a guess and say that this bodes very well for the rest of the movie.
And if you take into account the ending, well, hot damn. The ending does feature some Marianne Faithfull boob, so it’s probably NSFW, but it also features unbridled hilarity to the bajillionth degree, so there’s no reason you shouldn’t watch it immediately. Also, as it’s the ending, consider this your spoiler warning for all further discussion:
Holy Moses, Rena Riffel is the Truffaut of Actresses-Who-Play-Strippers/Hookers-Turned-Directors!
February 25, 2009
So yesterday, while I was searching for clips from Showgirls to include in my post about Slumdog Millionaire (isn’t that just always the case?), I stumbled upon this:
Sweet mercy! What sort of batshit insanity is this?
In case you didn’t know, Rena Riffel has a small role in Showgirls as Penny/Hope, the new girl at the Cheetah. She’s rather amazing in her own right, but Trasharella looks as though it’ll totally take the amazing cake.
I normally tend to avoid deliberate camp because it always lacks the unaware charms of unintentional camp. From Plan 9 from Outer Space to I Know Who Killed Me, great camp comes entirely from its sincerity in trying to be something other than terrible; anybody can intentionally make a bad movie, but only a certain crazed brand of genius still finds beauty in the cinematic train wrecks they’re masterminding. Judging from the trailer, Trasharella appears to be channeling that genius in spades.
This is, after all, a movie that contains musical numbers, magic lipstick, and a vampire being killed by a woman brandishing a Barbie crucifix. Awful or astounding?
I’m going with astounding. Simply astounding.
I think we all know what has to be done. I. Can’t. Wait.