Instead of Going to See G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra, Why Not Rent Obsessed?
August 6, 2009

Recessions, y’all.  They’re the worst.  The economy’s a bailout black hole, unemployment rates just seem to keep rising, and movies are a leisure that are increasingly unworthy of the $12.50 price of admission.  Yeesh!  Who wants to pay that much money for a movie about terminating robots, or a movie about transforming robots, or a movie talking guinea pigs (that, given this summer’s crappy movie trend, might also be robots)?  And this weekend we get G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra, which is not about robots, but looks to include robot suits and performances that are equally stiff:

Admittedly this looks more mediocre than flat-out terrible, and one could argue that Sienna Miller’s quip about shoes is a welcomed moment of camp, but mediocrity is rarely worth $12.50.  Instead, might I suggest renting the camp ridiculousness that is Obsessed?  Sure, I already reviewed it months ago, but now it’s out on DVD, and that means you’ve no excuse not to see it!  Just look at Beyonce give good (bitch)face and tell me it’s not worth the meager cost of a rental:

obsessed beyonce face

But wait, there’s more!  So much more!

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As a Fellow Theatergoer Was Overheard to Observe, I Can Attest to the Following: Obsessed is Definitely NOT Whack
April 28, 2009

If anything, Obsessed is something of a small miracle.  Hollywood seems to love producing mirthless crap on a daily basis, so much so to the point where you point where one might think that Hollywood’s only business is producing joyless cinematic equivalents to pond scum.  But such is most certainly not the case with Obsessed.  Is it bad?  No doubt.  Terrible?  Quite possibly.  But I liked it, nay, loved it:

obsessed-ring-on-it

Obsessed is, to be certain, a terrible movie.  The acting is at very best vampy sexpot camp (Ali Larter) and the inimitable brand of steely faced, bitch-please crazy that Beyonce has elevated to a minor art, yet it’s in other places rather tepid (Idris Elba’s performance seems rather befuddled, almost as though he hired by simply wandering onto the set) or head-scratchingly absurd (Jerry O’Connell’s horndog schtick seems to have been beamed in from another planet).  

The screenplay is an impressive black hole for logic and character motivation.  Beyonce’s the dream wife because the movie says so.  Ali Larter gets obsessed because the movie says so.  The cop doesn’t believe that Ali Larter’s wearing the least seductive pair of business casual crazy pants because the movie says so.  Showgirls infamously asked that you leave your inhibitions at the door.  Obsessed demands you to do the same with you deductive reasoning skills.

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Here’s the Greatest Catfight Ever to Hold You Over ‘Til the Obsessed Review Posts
April 27, 2009

obsessed-ridics

Were you one of the many who helped contribute to the $28.5 million opening weekend box office for Obsessed?  I know I was, and we can all agree that it was one fabulous mess of a movie that I for certain will not be getting over any time soon.  Hopefully Hollywood gets it right and realizes that this movie’s success is not just because it’s a Beyonce vehicle; it succeeded because it plays like the love child between Fatal Attraction and Lakeview Terrace.  If their love child just so happened to eat paint chips, natch.  Beyonce starring in it is just diva icing on the awesome cake.

Anyways, there’s just so much to talk about with Obsessed that I plan to take my sweet freakin’ time writing up that review.  So, in the mean time, let me leave you with the most incredible catfight the world has ever witnessed.  It comes from Dynasty, but that should come as no surprise to catfight connoisseurs:

The catfight in Obsessed sadly pales in comparison to this one.  Nobody gets beaten over the head with a mannequin’s arm, the Beyonce/Ali brawl doesn’t at any point devolve into a glitter fight, and Ms. Sasha Fierce certainly doesn’t try to choke a white bitch with a pink feather boa.  Then again, nobody’s perfect.

Beyonce should take notes on this clip for Obsessed 2: This Time I’ll Show You Even Crazier, which is a movie that we can all recognize must be made.  Immediately.  Get to work, Hollywood!  America has spoken, and it wants more bitch fights!

What Do You Mean Obsessed Wasn’t Prescreened for Critics?
April 24, 2009

Never mind that I’ve got a heightened case of the Fridays given that, after a seemingly interminable winter, spring has finally quit it with the false starts and seems to officially be upon us.  I seriously just want to skip down the streets singing “Put on Your Sunday Clothes” from Hello, Dolly! while doing my very best jazz hands.  It should be illegal to keep offices open on a day like today.  Illegal, I say!

Anywhosie, all of that’s only compounding the fact that I’m already way too excitable about getting off of work today to go see Obsessed.  Now, of course, Rotten Tomatoes has gone and added the last, yet most integral, seasoning to turn Obsessed into a perfectly crafted CannotWait Stew.  As of this morning, this is the Rotten Tomatoes score for Obsessed:

obsessed-rt1

Yes, that’s correct.  Do not adjust your monitor or question the prescription strength of your contacts or glasses.  Obsessed, the movie that has clearly revealed itself as 2009’s first great (camp) film, has NOT been prescreened for critics.  I know, I know.  I’m in a state of utter shock that Hollywood doesn’t have enough faith in the movie that’s obviously containing some of the year’s best performances and sexiest moments.  This just goes to prove what we’ve long suspected: movie critics are nothing more than a bunch of uptight, old biddies that wouldn’t know a good movie if it bit them on the ass.  

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What Sort of Insanity Will Obsessed Be?
April 23, 2009

Well, if the content of this clip allows us in any way to preemptively make a call on it, I’m going to qualify Obsessed in the category of “insaniest insanity”:

This is obviously the tip of the iceberg, but it’s already quite clear that catfight climax of Obsessed is going to be one for the ages.  If a lamp is part of the makeshift weaponry this early in the game, you know it’s going to get more absurd (and therefore incredible) as the scene goes on. 

I’m also glad to see that Beyonce’s performance is more Sasha Fierce than Foxxy Cleopatra.  She really has quite a wonderful plethora of I’m-gonna-cutta-bitchfaces.  I hope she explains the nuanced differences in a commentary track or special feature on the dvd!  

And, judging from the next clip, it’s nice to know that Ali Larter is really quite consistent when delivering her balls-to-walls ridiculous performance.  A particularly magical moment starts at 1:28:

“Make it filthy” needs to become my new cellphone ring.  I’m pretty convinced that Ali Larter needs to be my best friend, provided that she stays in character whenever we hang out.  Every new clip is like a different Pokemon of batshit insanity, and I’ve just got this overwhelming urge telling me I’ve gotta catch them all.  And, oh, shall I ever.

An instant camp classic is soon among us!  Obsessed is out tomorrow, y’all!

PS: I tingle as the waves of profundity wash over me when he pontificates about Ali Larters character by suggesting, “In a way, she’s monstrous.”  Can we please give this movie’s director an honorary PhD in Film Studies from Le Duh University?

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