Earth Day Now Has Its Very Own Christina Crawford
April 22, 2010

She is NOT one of your fans:

On one hand, HUH?  I’m not sure if this is a sound argument, let alone a cohesive one.

On the other hand, she’s got at least one irrefutable point.  Earth Day really does create more garbage:

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Looks Like David Hayter Will Not Be Invited to Take Back the Night
March 11, 2009

david-hayter-gross

As Videogum noted, one of Watchmen‘s scribes, David Hayter, has posted an open letter on the internet imploring fans to see the movie again this weekend to keep box office up and therefore make studio heads feel confident in green lighting future Watchmen-esque projects.  Much of Hayter’s argument requires him to indulge in a little self-congratulatory ego masturbation, because that’s how you make a convincing argument.  For example:

I’ve seen it twice now, and despite having run the movie in my head thousands of times, my two viewings still don’t’ allow me to view the film with the proper distance or objectivity. Is it Apocalypse Now? Is it Blade Runner? Is it Kubrick, or Starship Troopers? I don’t know yet.

I’m gonna go for d) none of the above.  And also, Mr. Hayter: Kubrick is a filmmaker, so he probably shouldn’t be in a list that consists of movie titles.  But maybe that’s a stylistic choice irksome only to me, so I won’t dwell.

I certainly agree with his sentiment that, particularly when it comes to the film industry, you cast a vote every time you purchase a ticket.  It’s rather tacky that he has to be the one to make this plea for audiences to see Watchmen again; the movie’s as much his (ridicu)baby as it is Snyder’s, so Hayter’s essentially one of those parents with those awful bumper stickers on their vans about how their child’s on honor roll or Mensa.  Except whenever he has you come over and babysit, he makes you pay him.  He’s wrapped the ugliest sales-pitch sweater in a box with lovely pity-party ribbons and glossy sophisticated-taste paper as if that makes what he’s giving you any better.  Thanks, but no thanks.

But when Hayter gets to his climax, in which he uses a particular scene from Watchmen to articulate how the movie’s supposed to be dark and challenging yet ultimately rewarding as entertainment, he completely shits his (crazy) pants:

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Get Hollywood a Bailout, People, ‘Cos It’s Bankrupt on Ideas!
March 5, 2009

When I was a young, Freddy Krueger scared the living bejeezus out of me so much so that I’d refuse to go into movie theaters until my parents could confirm that there were no posters for a new Nightmare on Elm Street movie in the lobby, and if there happened to be one, I’d have a fit.  That my parents would put up with such absurdity is an impressive testament to their patience and love because I can’t even imagine how insufferable I must’ve been.   Were I in their shoes, I suspect I would’ve screeched, “You won’t step in the theater?  Then we’re going back home, and you’ll just have to watch Land Before Time!  AGAIN!!!”  But I’m writing about movies, not parenting styles, so I digress.

Anyways, my fear eventually turned to love, and I now regard A Nightmare  on Elm Street as one of my all-time favorite horror movies.  This scene pretty much sums up why [oh, and it’s NSFM (Not Safe For Mom)]:

 Wes Craven, you are brilliant.  Totally insane, but brilliant.   Between the Freddy tongue coming out of the phone, the crazy drunk mom, and Johnny Depp being dragged into his bed and spit out as a geyser of blood, well, you don’t get much better than that.  But that doesn’t mean Hollywood’s not gonna give it a shot.

And totally fail at it in the process.

In fact, according to ComingSoon.net, Platinum Dunes just recently announced the new A Nightmare on Elm Street remake will drop on April 16, 2010.  I think their poster should be a simple homage to the original, something like this:

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A.R. Rahman is One Step Closer to Becoming the Cuba Gooding Jr. of Best Song Oscar Winners
February 24, 2009

I may be profoundly unimpressed with the ridiculous Slumdog Millionaire sweep (Best Editing?  Really?), but I’m not such a crotchety bitch that I can’t recognize credit where credit is due, and I can fully admit that the end of Slumdog is innocuous and sweet:

There’s also something kinda creepy in a cultural-fetishization/imperialization sort of way, what with a movie about growing up in the slums of Mumbai being written and directed by two white men from the UK, but whatever.  I’d be inclined to complain about how, if the Academy really felt so inclined to give Slumdog a Best Song win, they could’ve at least picked the better song, but “Jai Ho” is perfectly fine, the Oscars are over, and we can all move on with our lives, right?

WRONG.  

Look at what I found on iTunes today:

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This Girl That Hates Stephen King is Your Fag Hag
February 13, 2009

I know that you two have been nearly inseparable since you met during your summer abroad when–afterwards–she moved stateside six weeks later to the apartment across the hall (surprise!). But gurrrrhl, we need to talk.

I know you’ve probably heard all this about a million times before because she talks about it every you go out to your favorite gay bar, but at least this time you’ve gotten the entire rant out in one interrupted swoop as opposed to when she’s constantly interrupting herself by asking, “Why are you checking that guy out?  He’s totally not your type!  Focus!  This is SERIOUSLY IMPORTANT!  LIMELIGHT!!!” after she’s had her third Flirtini but before she tries to make out with you.  So at least there’s that.

But don’t you think it’s about time you two had a talk?

You have to admit that this is almost as embarrassing as that time she vlogged for 18 minutes about your boyfriend because he said she was creepy and controlling and sending him death threats by text message, but really it’s your boyfriend who’s in the wrong because he’s jealous of the fact that she knew you first and he’s not getting any of the limelight and she’s just protective of you.  And then he broke up with you.  Ouch.

Or then that time you found her private LiveJournal post where she’d Photoshopped both your faces onto the Twilight poster.  Yeesh.

Seriously, I’m just saying that you may want to consider a good, long talk or an even better, longer friendship sabbatical before she dedicates “Maps” to you at karaoke night.  Again.  It’s beginning to get a little embarrassing.  I’m just saying.

Thanks Videogum.

Ugh, Just Stop It, Slumdog Millionaire
February 4, 2009

When the Slumdog Millionaire trailer came out, I cried (don’t judge me!  Sigur Ros used in trailers has that effect on me!!).  When I saw the movie, I cried some more.  Whatever.  I have a nougat-soft sentimental side, and I liked the movie.  These things happen.  But then this happened, and this too, and it’ll probably happen again, and I’ve started to cry for a different reason.slumdog-millionaire-fl-021

It’s not that I hated the movie or am trying to jump on some backlash bandwagon.  Fine, Slumdog Millionaire, you’re this year’s Little Miss Sunshine/Juno.  You’re safe for mass consumption yet just edgy and international enough to make people feel like they’re broadening their horizons.  Neat.  But now you’ve gone too far, and you MUST be stopped.

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