A Perfectly Reasonable Response to the American Idol Season Finale
May 27, 2010

Now that Lee DeWyze has won this season of American Idol, we can all listen at our own risk to his cover of U2’s “Beautiful Day.” I personally imagine it to be the soundtrack to my own personal Hell–the one where it plays on infinite loop over an endless montage of inspirational moments from sports movies–because I hate sports movies (that are not A League of Their Own, DUH) almost as much as I love U2.  But I digress.

Here’s a video of someone’s mom reacting to last night’s American Idol finale:

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Lee DeWyze’s “Beautiful Day” Must Be Stopped
May 26, 2010

It has come to my attention that if Lee DeWyze wins this season’s American Idol, his first single will be his rendition of U2’s “Beautiful Day.”  That is unacceptable, because his version is just like the leather hoodie he’s wearing during this performance (AWFUL):

Blech.

Sure, I recognize that many of you out there are like, “But Benjamin, what version of ‘Beautiful Day’ doesn’t suck?” and that’s fine.  Seeing as I’m too-U2-fanboy-to-function (as has been repeatedly evidenced here), I’m inclined to disagree, but disagreeing is one of those things upon which we can all agree.  And you know what else we can agree on?  Lee DeWyze’s version is a total bore.

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It’s Safe to Say That I’m Not the Worst at Karaoking “Like a Virgin”
October 8, 2009

True story: I got a karaoke machine for my 21st birthday because I had a penchant for getting up on the table in our apartment during my junior year of college and drunkenly belting out Scissor Sisters and Franz Ferdinand and the final number from Hairspray.  It really was a great gift, if for no other reason than that it prevented the inevitable trip to the emergency room when my drunk ass attempted a high kick and fell off the table.  As I recall, the karaoke machine looked like this:

memorex karaoke machine

I spent most of the evening of my birthday party karaoking to my copy of U2’s recently leaked How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, and while this was tolerable during “Vertigo,” it was not flying by the time I was taking a shot at “Love and Peace or Else.”  At one point, a friend of a friend at the party even gave me what I thought to be a stink eye during my performance, but that could’ve been all those birthday cocktails talking.

ANYWAYS, I was finally persuaded to take on something a little more crowd pleasing.  Naturally this translates to “putting on your drag costume from Halloween and singing ‘Like a Virgin’.”  I’m pretty certain the end result–coming from a combination of drunkface and inability to find a proper pitch–sounded like a tranquilized cat warbling for mating call.  It.  Was.  BLEAK.

After that, I always thought that nobody could ever do any worse, but then I saw this demo video from an aborted American Idol karaoke arcade game (which is obviously something the world really needed but will now never have).  I was obviously wrong:

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Adam Lambert’s Rolling Stone Cover Shocker(?)
June 9, 2009

The interwebs are going bonkers today, y’all.  All because of this mind-bomb dropping Rolling Stone cover:

lambo_01

Mon dieu!  You mean to suggest, nay, report that American Idol‘s Adam Lambert doesn’t prefer the traditional straight fit jean, Rolling Stone magazine and internet at large?   You mean to tell me it can finally be confirmed that he prefers a low-rise boot-cut (aka, homo cut), and he enjoys accessorizing with bedazzled butterflies and snakes?  Congratulations, you’re officially the new masters of glaringly obvious journalism!  Previous honorees have included Blue Sky Quarterly, www.everybodys-farts-stink.com, and this little guy:

o rly owl

Anywhosie, for all the we-already-saw-this-light-years-away noise and the no-shit-Ask-Jeeves fury of this all, I do find one part of this whole cover story genuinely shocking.  When you think about it, it’s rather surprising that everybody’s talking up the non-story when there’s a real story staring right in the face:

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