I Still Think Salt’s Advertising Is Missing the Point of the Movie
April 1, 2010

It makes good business sense to push an Angelina Jolie spy thriller with obligatory scenes of Angelina Jolie being fierce and doing action things and gratuitous scenes of Angelina Jolie having boobs and doing “sexy” things, so I suppose this new trailer for Salt achieved what it set out to do:

I think my problem is that I don’t particularly care about the central mystery of who Evelyn Salt is.  I’m more concerned with why this movie isn’t called Action Wig.  Or The Bangs Supremacy.  All of this double-agent stuff seems so secondary when you look like your hair stylist is an astygmatic drag queen who only shops at the Bargain Basement.

The Iron Man 2 Teaser Trailer Is THE Summer Movie Hotness. Le DUH.
December 17, 2009

I don’t know about you, but last night I had a rather delicious filet mignon at my office’s holiday dinner party, then I came home, and then I promptly shat my nerd pants.  Why?  Because the Iron Man 2 teaser trailer dropped last night, and it’s so damn good that you don’t even have to be a nerd to lose your shit over it.  Being a nerd naturally helps, but it’s really over just a difference of whether you poop your pants a lot or your poop your pants even more than that.  Don’t believe me?  Just click the poster below and experience the the hotness, but be sure you’ve got an adult diaper on:

Everything about this trailer’s obviously the best, but I love how they’re sure to include a moment of Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow’s utterly delicious screwball chemistry.  It makes me think of Iron Man 2 as His Girl Friday, but with robots and explosions and weird facial hair, so basically perfect.

Still, as much as it’s impossible to not love the Iron Man 2 teaser trailer, I’m willing to bet there’s at least one person that is not one of Iron Man 2‘s fans:

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Why Is Nobody Talking About the Things We Should All Be Talking About When We Talk About Salt?
November 18, 2009

It never ceases to amaze me what will cause a stir on the interwebs.  I get that it’s a rat race and we’re all just trying to get a piece of the cheese, but when that cheese is a picture of Angelina Jolie’s face that serves as the teaser poster for next summer’s Salt, I really get amazed:

I mean, yay?

Don’t get me wrong.  This poster is perfectly fine, and I’ll no doubt be seeing Salt next summer.  Angelina Jolie has a curious hold on me like that.  I saw Changeling just to see her bring the classic-Hollywood-esque hysterics.  Hell, I even subjected myself to Wanted, which says loads about how appealing I find her as an actress and how I have no self-respect.  Still, as much as I guess there’s a certain newsworthiness in the unveiling of a teaser poster for a movie that many of us will waste $12.50 because the magnetic draw of an Angelina Jolie action movie overrides one’s ability to make good life choices, it seems to me that there are bigger teaser poster fish for us to be frying, namely this one:

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Wild Horses Cannot Drag Me Away From Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
June 24, 2009

Robo-testicles?

Check.

Wonky-eyed, racist caricature-bots?

Check and double-check.

Megan Fox giving lessons on how to dress appropriately for work?

megan fox infinity

Then there are the reviews, which confirm what I’ve long suspected.  Ladies and gentleman, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, which is at long last in theaters, seems like it’s going to be one seriously ferocious train wreck, no CGI necessary.

I may no longer be a teenager, and I certainly never was a straight man, so the reality of the situation is that I’m definitely not this movie’s target audience.  There will be no Shia LaBeouf in hot pants slouched over a motorcycle, and there are no reports of a gay robot that wishes all the Transformers could stop fighting and start striking a pose.  Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen will be loud and stupid and completely devoid of any positive social value, but it will at least be one thing other thing, and that thing will be over-the-top camp.  

“But wait,” you ask, “isn’t camp bedazzled, transparent badness capable of launching gays into giggle fits?”  Indubitably, my dears, but hear me out.  

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Gerard Butler Will Do Anything for a Klondike Bar
June 1, 2009

I don’t know about you, but I always think of the first phrase “hot piece” when Gerard Butler comes up.  Yes?

gerard_butler

I tend to prefer my men’s facial hair to be a little more trimmed, but I most certainly wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers.  Something about him just screams “roguish devil,” and those eyes are simply incredible.  Anyways, because he’s payed his dues [aka, screaming all his lines in 300 (a terrible, terrible movie that I unfortunately saw) and posthumously sending Hilary Swank on a ridiculous scavenger hunt in P.S. I Love You (a terrible, terrible looking movie that I fortunately avoided like the plague)], 2009 is going to be his breakout year.  Why?  He’s the lead in not just one, but two movies!  He’s got The Ugly Truth, a rom-com designed to appeal to the ladies:

Yeesh.  Are Hollywood’s notion of ladies in actuality brain-dead, zombies with a penchant for masochism?  

I know that most people think of Katherine Heigl as that actress from Grey’s Anatomy who wears the same pair of bitch pants every day when she goes to work, but I really like her.  She was charming in Knocked Up, and she’s the best part about the second season of Grey’s Anatomy (other than Sandra Oh and Sandra Oh’s fabulous hair).  She even made me think about seeing 27 Dresses, so she obviously has a hold on me.  Still, this movie looks terrible!  And not in a fun way!  

Who thinks these bullshit gender wars movies are insightful entertainment?  I get it, Hollywood: women are all about communication and emotions, and men are all about boobies and sex.  Neat.  I could go on and on about how this movie isn’t worth seeing because it relies on lazy observations about the sexes for cheap laughs and how we already know that Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler will get together in the end.  Really, though, I think the trailer says all that for me, so let’s spare me the carpal tunnel and move right along.

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The “Plot” for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is Even More Ludicrous Than Expected
May 1, 2009

The final trailer for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has arrived, and it makes me yearn for the days when it looked like this movie was just going to be two hours of Michael Bay’s patented brand of “high art” (robot carnage and lots of explosions).  Just look at this mess:

So let’s get this clear: Shia LaBeouf touches that shard thing, has an acid flashback, and then proceeds to scribble ominous hieroglyphics anywhere and everywhere possible.  All of this somehow relates back other hieroglyphics found around the world that seem to have something to do an impending robot war.  A war that, amongst other places, will take place in a college library.  Riiiiiight.  I’m not saying that this is the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever seen, but, really, it’s totally the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever seen.  This of course means I have to see it as soon as is Earthly possible.

I’ve never seen a movie enter such crazed stratospheres of absurdity in its attempt to string together set pieces.  These action sequences are held together by the narrative equivalent of Batshit Krazy Glue.  I recognize that trying to find a glimmer of logic in a movie about battling robots that’s directed by Michael Bay is a foolish endeavor, like going fishing in a bath tub or me making love to a woman, but really?  Most movies require you to suspend your belief, but Transformers 2 is looking as though you need to jettison it off into the darkest recesses of space. Well played, Michael Bay.  You’re officially the craziest man in Hollywood, and I mean that with the utmost respect.

Also, judging from the trailers, Megan Fox’s character doesn’t go to college because she’s staying back home and working as a motorcycle mechanic.  The sexy motorcycle mechanic who wrote THE textbook on dressing appropriate for work, natch.  Seriously:

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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Only Grows More Absurd With Every Passing Day
April 2, 2009

I’ll never in a million, bajillion years make an argument claiming that what Michael Bay does behind a movie camera can be called art; I’ll leave that to Criterion.  I will, however, always been willing to make the argument for Michael Bay as the Grand Poobah of Blowing Shit Up.  Plot frequently takes the back seat to absurdly choreographed, incoherently edited action sequences.  Of his oeuvre, Transformers is indubitably his masterpiece of exploding batshit insanity.  Any movie that involves giant robots blowing things up, screaming their names whenever possible, and peeing on John Turturro doesn’t even care to masquerade as a coherent narrative operating in a world governed by logical thought; it just wants to be the best at being awesome.  Mission accomplished, Mr. Bay.  

Now we have Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen heading to theaters this summer, and even the trailer shows off that Michael Bay obviously directed this movie in the most finely tailored pair of haute couture crazy pants that the world has to offer:

The distinct lack of any suggestion of a plot beyond robots fighting each other makes me think this is an extended teaser trailer, and the fact that Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox even speak dialogue in this thing just seems distracting and counterproductive to the goal of showing shit blow up.  There’ll be a (paper-thin) plot in this movie, but right now we’re just getting our appetites whet.  Of course, this trailer could also be indicative of the amount of plot the movie will feature; after all, do we really need narrative justification to put some totally ridiculous robot-on-robot fighting on screen?  Hell no, audience!  What do you do Michael Bay is?  French???

The latest news only further confirms that plot is likely not high on the agenda.

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