Joel Schumacher’s Twelve Could Be Gossip Girl on Bonkers Pills or: In Defense of the Twelve Trailer
April 7, 2010

It’s important to note that you shouldn’t do drugs, but if you’re adamant about making bad life choices like Emily Meade is in Twelve, it is wise to at least to put yourself in a room that will make tripping balls a bit more like “Cycles” as directed by a gay man:

twelve emily meade teddy bears

It’s also important to note that the trailer for Joel Schumacher’s adaptation of the Nick McDonell’s novel Twelve contains the following in no particular order: sex, drugs, spoiled white kids, foul language, violence, “Kids” by MGMT, Kiefer Sutherland’s velvet sex voice, Manhattan’s Upper East Side, 50 Cent being ridiculously jacked and leaving little to the imagination, Chace Crawford with facial scruff, and Ellen Barkin.  Naturally, this begs two questions:

  1. Is this extended trailer safe for your place of work?
  2. Can you please explain to me how Twelve won’t end up being the best fake episode of Gossip Girl EVER?

Twelve trailer, y’all:

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50 Cent’s Set to Write, Produce, and Star in the Second Best Possible Things Fall Apart in Which 50 Cent Could Write, Produce, and Star
February 22, 2010

When I saw there was the headline “50 Cent to produce, write, star in ‘Things Fall Apart'” over at EW.com, my heart skipped a beat at the thought of what that would be like, but then I actually read the article:

Curtis Jackson, better known as rapper-actor 50 Cent, will co-produce, co-write, and star in a feature film titled Things Fall ApartVariety reports. Jackson will play a running back in the college-football drama, which is unrelated to Chinua Achebe’s classic 1958 novel of the same title. Mario Van Peebles has signed on to direct.

Boo.  I’m sure that there’s every possibility that a college-football drama written, produced, and starring 50 Cent has every reason to end up being just fine, but that means 50 Cent’s Things Fall Apart is going to be a sports movie, and getting me to see a sports movie is only slightly easier than getting me to watch footage of a live birth.  

Maybe it’s just me, but frankly I wish they’d gone in a different direction:

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