TGIF! Here’s Some Dying Cats Singing “My Heart Will Go On”
April 6, 2012

Sure, it’s no me-at-karaoke, but the sound of a few cats dying might as well be the sound of two cats f*cking, so this deserves a gold star, even if this is Kate Winslet’s reaction. Besides, Titanic 3-D is out this weekend, and if you think I’m not going to be seeing it, you clearly forget that I’m a teenage girl wearing bad idea pajama jeans trapped in a gay man’s body. Seriously, such a special occasion deserves a moment of recognition, and if  Dead Cat Orchestra’s charmingly weird cover of “My Heart Will Go On” isn’t up to the task, I don’t know what is! Wouldn’t you agree, Hausu Ghost Cat?

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Official Response to the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 Trailer
April 28, 2011

Seeing as it’s no secret over at this little corner of the interwebs that I love me some Harry Potter (interpret that as you will), I’ll spare you a voluminous amount of word vomit now that there’s a trailer for the concluding chapter of the film series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. Suffice it to say, I’m not ready for it to be over (obviously), and I don’t know how I feel about the whole 3-D thing (can you blame me?), but whatever! I’m still so excited! How excited? Keep-me-away-from-your-birthday-cake excited! What? This kid knows what I’m talking about:

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The Justin Bieber 3-D Documentary Never Say Never Is Totally Brilliant
October 26, 2010

Look, I may not Facebook like Justin Bieber, and we all know Facebook liking is the only liking that counts (hint hint), but that doesn’t mean I can’t occasionally be in awe of tweendom’s most famous lesbian popstar, and this trailer for Never Say Never is one such moment:

AWE.

Okay, so I admittedly haven’t actually watched this trailer for the following reasons:

  1. In an effort to conserve bandwidth, we’re no longer allowed to stream any media at work.  Obviously this is tearing me apart, Lisa, but office rules bend for no one, and that includes the Biebster.
  2. I’m an adult.

As a result, I can’t actually say if this movie looks any good; however, I can definitely say that this is a movie I’ll never see because this is not my face right now:

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Code Red Nerd Altert: Ridley Scott’s Alien Prequel Is Going to Be in 3-D!
March 6, 2010

Let’s not pretend my feelings could have changed since the last time we talked about this:

Because they haven’t, and that shouldn’t come as a surprise.  After all, I once tried really hard to convince myself that AVP: Alien vs. Predator was not a colossal disappointment that made my soul hurt, and if that doesn’t speak to the lengths my love of the Alien franchise will take me, then you’ve obviously never seen AVP: Alien vs. Predator, and oh how I envy your unsullied eyes.

Anyways, ComingSoon.net has picked up on a story from Shadow Locked in which Roger Christian (who was art-director for the original Alien) claims that Ridley Scott’s intending to make his upcoming Alien prequel in 3-D, though I’ll let his own words take it from here:

Ridley’s doing the next Alien in 3D. Ridley told me some of his ideas when we were here in Toronto. He has a very clear understanding of where this should go. They kind of stopped dead one of the greatest horror franchises there’s ever been, and it had legs to go on. So I’m hoping he’ll revive another three. The world certainly wants it, and the fans want it – everybody.

Sure, Hollywood’s current obsession with making every potential blockbuster a 3-D spectacular already has me near fatigue, but Alien built its tension through its brilliant use of space, which means I can’t even imagine the throes of ecstasy that Ridley Scott moving his camera through a cavernous, Nostromo-esque ship will bring when it’s in 3-D.  Seriously, I really can’t handle news this nerdgasmic, so I’ll just let my Photoshop Skillz speak on my behalf:

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Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland Is Going to Be Out of Control Amazing
December 16, 2009

I’ll be completely frank: even though I previously had my doubts about Tim Burton’s latest, the reality is that I never needed this past summer’s face-meltingly fantastic teaser trailer to get me excited about his upcoming Alice and Wonderland.  No no, this image is far more than necessary:

SOLD!!!  This image has three things that I unabashedly love: overly-ornate-to-the-point-of-camp costume details (it’s a gay thing), Anne Hathaway (also a gay thing), and killer red lipstick (it’s a Black Narcissus thing; so, in other words, yet another gay thing).  People of a more discerning taste would likely only have their interests raised by such and image, but people of a more discerning taste would probably steer clear of such cinematic gems as Powder Blue and Orphan, so why would I want to associate with those people?  Those people sound like such assholes.

All digressions aside, it’s safe to say that Alice in Wonderland‘s latest trailer will have even people of a more discerning taste excited because–quite honestly–it’s as though Disney just kept throwing money at Tim Burton to ride his crazy train ’til he reached Bonkerstown, which is to say that it looks totall awesome.  Just look at this beaut:

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The Final Destination? I Seriously, Sadly Doubt It
September 3, 2009

To be certain, I’d already seen the trailer for The Final Destination, which is unquestionably asinine:

It looked–and still looks–ridiculous.  And stupid.  So, you know, everything that makes the Final Destination series so enjoyable.  It’s the same plot and practically the same dialogue; only the actors and accidents change.  But now it’s in 3D, so it’s new to you!  I guess, Hollywood?  Whatever.  Sold.

Still, having now seen The Final Destination, I have to admit that it’s incomparably more ridicudumb than I could’ve ever imagined.  I should have probably expected this when the central accident involved race cars.

There’s very little that’s spectacularly inventive about the kills save for the fact that they really play up the 3D gimmick.  It’s always some part of some person that’s flying towards the screen, and such redundancy will probably be even more evident if you watch it in 2D on DVD.  Still, the 3D experience is what you’re paying for (unless you’re me, in which case you saw it for free thanks to your cable company’s rewards program), so the filmmakers of The Final Destination deserve a “well played” for delivering it in spades.

On the other hand, though, the movie is painfully lazy in the script department.  The barebones story is now so gaunt and transparent that you want the movie to just eat something (preferably starches)!   Added to that, while the Final Destination franchise has never been about subtlety or depth, there are characters in this movie with credits like Cowboy and Racist.  The Cowboy gets his name because of his hat, and the Racist really hates black people, and both of these characters actually have relevant roles in the story!  I’m pretty sure this sort of character development doesn’t even constitute half a dimension.

Fortunately, when it comes to Racist at least, Death seems to have a sense of humor.  And a membership with the NAACP (SPOILER ALERTZ!):

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Damnit! The Alice in Wonderland Teaser Just Melted My Face!
July 22, 2009

A little while back I’d expressed my concern about the current state of Tim Burton’s career and my growing unease that his best year’s as a director were behind him.  I’ve obviously spoken too soon because the teaser trailer for Alice in Wonderland has exploded all over the internet like an awesome bomb, and WHOAHBITCH will it melt your face with its awesomeness:  

FACES MELTED!

It was one thing to see the pictures that had hit the internet a few weeks back.  They were great, no doubt, but seeing actual footage–even a minute-and-a-half of it–is an entirely different beast of pure, visual ferociousness.  Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter is even more fabulously deranged than those first images would have let on, Tweedledee and Tweedledum look like they crawled straight out of an Edward Gorey illustration, Anne Hathaway looks absolutely fabulous as the White Queen, and Wonderland itself looks like some sort of fantastical, demented acid trip.  

Really, I could try and muster up some sour grapes to make a quick cup of bitch wine, but this trailer just had me to giddy to even make the effort.  Really, this is about all I can muster:

Me: Wait until March?!?  YEARGH!!!  That makes me want to poop on your face, Disney!

See?  I told you that I’ve got nothing.  NOTHING!  Now, if you’ll excuse you, I’ve got a face to fix.

UPDATE (7/22): Aaaand of course it’s gone as soon it appeared.  The interwebs giveth, and Disney taketh away.  Now I really do want to poop on their face!

DOUBLE UPDATE (7/24): A higher quality, though non-embeddable, copy of the trailer’s found its way back to YouTube and can be watched here.  Looks like the Disney-lawyer-face-poop crisis has been temporarily averted.

RIP, Captain EO
June 26, 2009

I debated about writing anything in regards to Michael Jackson’s untimely passing.  There are bigger fans who can better articulate how much he mattered to music and pop culture as a whole.  When you realize you’re best equipped to discuss his slow descent from King of Pop to the Grand Poobah of Eccentric Celebrity Curios–the Howard Hughes of music, if you will–you kinda realize it’s quite not your place to chime in during a time of mourning.  I mean, do you really want to look like this asshole?  Hell no.  Besides, I will always appreciate the fact that I get to share my name with his 1972 ballad devoted to a rat.  Top that, people named Jude.

Anyways, I’ll simply pay my respects with one of my favorite moments in Michael Jackson’s career:

captain-eo

That’s right, Captain EO, the 1986 sci-fi/musical 3-D short film staring Michael Jackson and Anjelica Huston (who scared the living hell out of me when I first saw it).  It’s rather ridiculous in and of itself (small wonder I love it so), but knowing that it was directed by Francis Ford Coppola and co-written by George Lucas make it pretty profoundly wonderful.  There may be greater moments to highlight in his career, but I’ll never forget my parents taking me to see Captain EO at age three when we visited Disney World.  It’s that sort of unforgettable impact that is the real testament to this man’s work.  It’s part Star Wars, an ample aesthetic splash of Ridley Scott’s Alien, and all Michael Jackson magic.  After the jump, in its YouTube entirety, I give you the 80s nostalgia-bomb that is Captain EO:

Michael Jackson, 1958-2009.  You will be missed.

As I’m the Most Relevant of Bloggers, I Just Saw Coraline
March 20, 2009

Coraline was released into theaters on February 6th.  Based on my calculations, I’m right on time to catching this at the height of its buzz in the cultural zeitgeist.  But this post isn’t about blogger relevancy 101, this blog is about seeing Coraline in 3-D.  Trust me, y’all: Coraline is dazzling stuff.  For once, there’s proof in the Hollywood-poster pudding:

indeedcoraline

That pretty much sums up the experience of seeing Coraline.  “Oh. My. God.”  Or maybe “Crimminy crap, that’s stunning.”  Take your pick.  The entire aesthetic experience of the film, from the whimsical music to the fantasia of candy-colored images unafraid to get drenched in shadows, makes for a truly remarkable 100 minutes.

In case you needed a refresher on the plot (and just how fabulous those visuals are), here’s the trailer:

That’s pretty much the plot: Girl finds door to spectacular other world only to discover that it’s much more deceptive than it first seems.  I would have embedded the online-only trailer, as it gives you a much better sense of just  how surreal and dark the movie’s visuals and tone can be, but the great pleasure in seeing Coraline is that dizzying sense of discovery.  As such, here’s a link should you want to make sure it’s within your range of acceptable weirdness, but know ahead that it takes away more than a little of the fun to be had.

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I Want to Go to There
March 19, 2009

When I was young, I remember thinking that Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was some sort of vision of Eden, and the townspeople’s exodus at the end made no sense to me.  I guess downpours of giant pancakes and such is somewhat apocalyptic, and by apocalyptic, I mean amazing.  Just build your fallout shelters and go scavenging between storms, you wimps.  That’s what I’d do, at least.  Duh.

And, much to my extremely pleasant surprise, Hollywood appears to competently adapting this holiest of holy texts:

That movie is going to make me insanely hungry when I watch it, so that’s bad; but I’m totally loving the look of this movie (particularly those trippy colors in the rain clouds) and the fact that it’ll be 3-D, so that’s good.  While it might perhaps be odd and/or creepy for a man in his mid-twenties to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs by himself (because he can’t convince anyone to see it with him), I really don’t care.  This movie looks awesome.

If they include a scratch and sniff card with it, this movie be the best.  Or pancakes.  That trailer’s really got me craving pancakes like I’m pregnant with triplets.

Thanks to Pajiba for posting the existence of this wonder.

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