The Robot Apocalypse Will Be Competing in the Horizontal Bar at the 2012 London Olympics
September 28, 2011

Look, I recognize it’s been a while since I’ve come around and tended to this little corner of the internet, but it doesn’t mean my feelings have change about what we share over at this little corner of the internet where camp is queen, and it definitely doesn’t mean my feelings have changed about the Robot Apocalypse. No no, much like Geena Davis insisted to the hooker in David Cronenberg’s The Fly, we should all be afraid. Be very afraid. The case against gymnast robot no. 8, Kovacs, is no different.

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If the Music Video for Adam Lambert’s “Time for Miracles” Is Any Indication, 2012 Will Be a Time for Train Wrecks
October 22, 2009

Oh dear.  There’s a music video for Adam Lambert’s single off the 2012 soundtrack, “Time for Miracles,” and it is as fabulous and ridiculous as this image I found through Google image search for “2012 soundtrack”:

adam lambert 2012

So, you know, very fabulous.  And extremely ridiculous.

As with everything else coming down the 2012 pipeline, it’s a batshit crazy train wreck of histrionic performances and apocalyptic disaster.  And, as with everything else coming down the 2012 pipeline, I mean that as a compliment:

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Clearly We’re All Seeing 2012 For the Oscar-Calibre Performances
October 6, 2009

Truth in advertising, y’all.  We really were warned:

2012 ridiculous

With disaster sequences like this, how can it not be?

But now someone’s decided that the only thing better than the five minutes of 2012 that recently made their way onto the internet would be editing out all of the ridiculous CGI footage, thus allowing us to instead focus our attention entirely on the ridiculous performances.  In other words, someone’s my new favorite genius:

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2012 Just Keeps Looking Better and Better
October 4, 2009

Perhaps I’m slowly losing my few remaining marbles on account of my feverish anticipation for 2012 (currently 103° of PURE EXCITEMENT*), but this poster is destroying me like Mayan-calendar-predicted global-scale apocalyptic disasters destroy giant statues of Jesus Christ:

2012_poster

This poster is so brilliant that I just can’t deal with it, let alone articulate why I can’t deal with it, but let’s still try.

A part of me just thinks it’s a spectacular and clever image.  It evokes the Jesus-Saves/God-Is-Dead dichotomy central to the spiritual/existential anxieties that surround doomsday scenarios.  You can’t tell if 2012 will be popcorn nihilism or a blockbuster call to repent.  Sure, it’s a Roland Emmerich film, so it’s probably best not to think too hard about these topics for fear of giving yourself a brain aneurism, but I’m happy 2012 has a teaser poster that offers such a fun little intellectual exercise for us film nerds.  It’s kinda like a pop-quiz, except one that makes you want to buy movie tickets in the process.

Of course, there’s also the part of me that loves this poster for hyping 2012 as straight-up disaster porn.  Sure, this movie stars John Cusack and Amanda Peet and Oliver Platt and a Space Ark, but sometimes it’s better to just bank on images of stylized destruction over big name stars.  After all, Space Ark–like Megan Fox–has yet to prove herself to be a box office draw.  This poster is completely over the top, and I love it for that much like I love this clip from the movie:

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Hollywood: Put This Fan-Made 2012 Trailer in Theaters and You Will Sell All the Tickets
July 8, 2009

It’s still months away, but the excitement continues on:

2012 so excited

For realsies.  Whenever I so much as think about Roland Emmerich’s cinematic masterpiece of 110% visionary CGI craziness that will be  2012, I feel like a woman on the receiving end of terrible sex (which we all know helps keep you parents alive), and all I want to do is scream, “Can’t you just come already?”  And, of course, today has to just be another nail in my impatience grave.

Here’s a fan-made trailer for 2012 that reenvisions the film as another entry in the 70s disaster film trend, and then it ups the ante by deliberately reveling in the absurdity of the film’s numerous plot points.  I suggest watching it with a pair of adult diapers because it’s quite likely you’ll LOL your pants:

I’m quite well aware that this video is intended to satirize and revel in the fact that the plot points of action sequences of 2012 are nothing more than utter ridiculousness run amok.  I got it, y’all.  I wasn’t born in the obvious barn yesterday; nevertheless, aren’t you now infinitely more excited about seeing a movie for which your excitement was already approaching infinity (yes, that’s a math joke; yes, i’m a nerd)?  I know I am.

Quite frankly, Hollywood should take notes and start marketing their movies more like this.  Given how disastrous (pun for once actually not intended) most movies actually are, it’d be lovely to see the Studios quit with the snake oil sales pitches and just honestly sell us the garbage just as it is.

Then again, if you watch the official trailer again (even though I know you’ve watched it enough times to have it memorized), it seems pretty clear that Columbia knows exactly what they’re selling us:

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It’s Like Roland Emmerich Knew My Birthday Was Coming
June 19, 2009

The epic hot mess of CGI and John Cusack that is the 2012 trailer hit the interwebs yesterday, and it’s safe to say that paradigms shifted and lives were changed and none of us will ever be the same again:

You.  Must.  Be.  KIDDING ME!

The final sequence alone, in which an aircraft carrier floating that’s floating on a giant tidal wave crushes the White House, pretty much makes my brain shut down from the absolute batshit crazy brilliance, but then there’s everything else as well!  John Cusack’s car driving out of a crashing jet?  The crumbling of the Vatican?  THE REUNITING OF THE CUSACK AND AMANDA “WHORES DON’T GET A SECOND CHANCE” PEET???  I cannot handle this absurdity.  At all.

This is already destined to be the greatest movie because it’s by the man who made Independence Day, but now he’s decided to take things to the next level by taking every disaster movie ever and cranking that bitch up to “You absolutely must be joking,” which is numerically well past 11 to the point of approaching infinity.  Even if this trailer is essentially all the best parts and rest of it’s a boring meandering mess about John Cusack trying to reconnect with his kids (is that what the “plot” is about?) and the Apocalypse and Oliver Platt being in charge of the space ark (which is a !!! and ??? all at once), those disaster movie money shots will be absolutely profound on the big screen.

Best of all, though, is that it comes out on November 13th, which is the day after tomorrow my birthday!  A CGI’ed-within-an-inch-of-its-life, unremittingly-batshit-insane-to-the-point-of-avant-garde-brilliant disaster movie?  For me?  Shazam!  It’s like the movie version of this.  But even better:

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