Archive for the ‘Trailers’ Category

It’s Official: Where the Wild Things Are Is My Favorite Movie of 2009
August 7, 2009

I don’t even care that Where the Wild Things Are isn’t out for another two months.  Actually, I do care because I’m over-it-and-a-half with this whole “patience” thing.  Seriously, the first trailer has been around since the end of March!  MARCH!!!  Spike Jonze, the madness must stop!  Even from the first teaser, I was convinced:

where the wild things are the bestest

So convinced from the get go.  But now?  I’m double-convinced!

The  full trailer has finally arrived, and it’s chockfull of stunning imagery, the Arcade Fire goodness, and enough childhood innocence to reduce you to a blubbering mess.  Just like a bomb made of hyper-concentrated nostalgia for the halcyon days of youth, it’s pretty much designed to make a teary-eyed believer out of even the staunchest of cynics.  So have you got your Kleenexes ready?  Good.

Let’s do this thing:

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There’s No Way I Won’t Be Seeing I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
August 5, 2009

Holiday!  Celebrate!!!  There’s a trailer for the film adaptation of the book adaptation of the blog by the one-man awful machine know as Tucker Max.  Indulge your curiosity in seeing just what depths of monstrousness humanity can dive to and watch this train wreck:

Sweet mercy does this movie looks like a bona fide UGHapalooza!  I’m not going to even bother explaining to you why I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell looks positively terrible; its terribleness is self-explanatory.  I know I’m the antithesis of its target audience, and I’m certain I will simply loathe it, but a movie this mind-blowingly egregious is the sort of rare spectacle that I must witness.  

For free, of course.

No no, I would sooner start training for Olympic muff diving than see my money go to Tucker Max.  He’s already built an empire on encouraging frat boys to be misogynistic assholes, so I won’t be financially encouraging his behavior.  Hell, I refuse to be bothered paying for a bootleg, that’s how neanderthallic this movie looks.  Instead, I’ll sneak into a theater to kill my last remaining shreds of faith in humanity.  It’s just my blog cross to bear, y’all.  Mine to bear, and yours to enjoy.

That said, I must admit that it’s rather disappointing that Richard Kelly is producing this movie.  I can only hope that he’s doing this ironically and that I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell is in fact a razor-edged satire against Tucker Max’s repugnant behavior.  Otherwise, this can only mean one thing:

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The Ghost Busters (1954) Trailer Is Quite Simply Perfection
July 30, 2009

It’s pretty safe to say that the children of the 80s can all agree about Ghostbusters:

ghostbusters classic

You really can’t improve upon it.  You can, however, reimagine it as a comedy from the 1950s, which is precisely what this totally brilliant video does.  It combines the pleasures of Classic Hollywood filmmaking with 80s nostalgia, so it pretty much gets all my <3.  Trust me, you need to watch it now:

My only complaint is that this is not an actual trailer for an actual movie because I would watch that movie ad nauseam.  Still, I’ll suffer that small slight for the undescribably joy of seeing Gozer and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, circa ’54.  It doesn’t get any better than that.  At least until we get a a fake trailer for Showgirls of ’33, in which a young Joan Crawford battles with Marlene Dietrich and Barbara Stawyck for stage success and showgirl supremacy.  Make it happen, internet!  

All my love to Movieline for the discovery.

Damnit! The Alice in Wonderland Teaser Just Melted My Face!
July 22, 2009

A little while back I’d expressed my concern about the current state of Tim Burton’s career and my growing unease that his best year’s as a director were behind him.  I’ve obviously spoken too soon because the teaser trailer for Alice in Wonderland has exploded all over the internet like an awesome bomb, and WHOAHBITCH will it melt your face with its awesomeness:  

FACES MELTED!

It was one thing to see the pictures that had hit the internet a few weeks back.  They were great, no doubt, but seeing actual footage–even a minute-and-a-half of it–is an entirely different beast of pure, visual ferociousness.  Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter is even more fabulously deranged than those first images would have let on, Tweedledee and Tweedledum look like they crawled straight out of an Edward Gorey illustration, Anne Hathaway looks absolutely fabulous as the White Queen, and Wonderland itself looks like some sort of fantastical, demented acid trip.  

Really, I could try and muster up some sour grapes to make a quick cup of bitch wine, but this trailer just had me to giddy to even make the effort.  Really, this is about all I can muster:

Me: Wait until March?!?  YEARGH!!!  That makes me want to poop on your face, Disney!

See?  I told you that I’ve got nothing.  NOTHING!  Now, if you’ll excuse you, I’ve got a face to fix.

UPDATE (7/22): Aaaand of course it’s gone as soon it appeared.  The interwebs giveth, and Disney taketh away.  Now I really do want to poop on their face!

DOUBLE UPDATE (7/24): A higher quality, though non-embeddable, copy of the trailer’s found its way back to YouTube and can be watched here.  Looks like the Disney-lawyer-face-poop crisis has been temporarily averted.

Benjamin’s Blogging Timeliness on Summer Holiday
July 12, 2009

Has it seemed curiously dark on your favorite blog stomping grounds?  Has the lack of pop culture bitchery and glittery flamboyance left you going through blog withdrawal, the waves of unimaginable chills only to be followed by prolonged sensations that nothing is ever going to be hysterically dissected by a cranky gay man EVER AGAIN?  If so, I’m sorry.  I’ve been busy:

summer vacation.jpg

Yes, in my grand tradition of perfect blog timeliness, I must admit that my parents have been visiting.  Since Thursday.  It’s been trips to see the lesser sights and sounds of New York City, and so many delicious meals made all the more delicious by the fact that I haven’t had to cover the tab.  And now, as Madonna has always said, we need a holiday, and this little lady’s off to Hampton Bay.

It’s a land without wi-fi or even the internet.  In short, I’m heading off to the Stone Age, but with adorable cabins.  Trust me, I suspect this’ll be harder for me than it is for you.  Fortunately, I’ll be back midweek, at which point the crazy gears will be well rested and the blog machine will be back in action for maximum ridiculousness.

In the mean time, I leave with a trailer for the second most exciting thing happening this week.  After, of course, my return:

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Lindsay Lohan (Allegedly) Makes Good Choices
July 9, 2009

Yesterday, a rather delectable piece of gossip hit the interwebs.  Celebitchy, which picked up the story via Page Six, reported that Lindsay Lohan refused the role of Jade, the stripper who marries Ed Helms, in The Hangover.  Yes, THE The Hangover, as in the smash summer comedy that invariably proves that nothing is cuter than babies sunglasses:

hangover baby in sunglasses

Fortunately, this summer, after many a delay, Ms. Lohan’ll be bringing us Labor Pains, her own log to contribute to the raging fire that is America’s baby craziness.  Sure, it’s not getting a theatrical release, or even a straight-to-video release (at least until later this fall), but it is getting an ABC Family world television premiere, and that HAS to be something:

Shut.  Your.  Face.  “I’m better when I’m pregnant” is an actual line in ANY movie EVER?  I will never forgive myself if I do not DVR this baby-bump-riddled train wreck because I absolutely have to see this, but I’m also quite certain that, should I watch more than five consecutive minutes at a time, my brain will be liquified by the bad idea waves irradiating out of this…this thing.

I get that they’re the station that finds drama in the possibility that any one of the perfectly timed thrusts in your incredible sex life could very well spell disaster for your parents, so I’d never actually accuse them of having things like taste or good decision making skills, but ABC Family proclaims this one of their “Original Movies” with some sort of sense of pride?  Isn’t that kinda like proudly keeping your back-alley abortion in a mason jar on your coffee table because you want it to be a conversation piece at all your cocktail parties?  This shit is bleak, and the full trailer is (impressively) even bleaker:

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Hollywood: Put This Fan-Made 2012 Trailer in Theaters and You Will Sell All the Tickets
July 8, 2009

It’s still months away, but the excitement continues on:

2012 so excited

For realsies.  Whenever I so much as think about Roland Emmerich’s cinematic masterpiece of 110% visionary CGI craziness that will be  2012, I feel like a woman on the receiving end of terrible sex (which we all know helps keep you parents alive), and all I want to do is scream, “Can’t you just come already?”  And, of course, today has to just be another nail in my impatience grave.

Here’s a fan-made trailer for 2012 that reenvisions the film as another entry in the 70s disaster film trend, and then it ups the ante by deliberately reveling in the absurdity of the film’s numerous plot points.  I suggest watching it with a pair of adult diapers because it’s quite likely you’ll LOL your pants:

I’m quite well aware that this video is intended to satirize and revel in the fact that the plot points of action sequences of 2012 are nothing more than utter ridiculousness run amok.  I got it, y’all.  I wasn’t born in the obvious barn yesterday; nevertheless, aren’t you now infinitely more excited about seeing a movie for which your excitement was already approaching infinity (yes, that’s a math joke; yes, i’m a nerd)?  I know I am.

Quite frankly, Hollywood should take notes and start marketing their movies more like this.  Given how disastrous (pun for once actually not intended) most movies actually are, it’d be lovely to see the Studios quit with the snake oil sales pitches and just honestly sell us the garbage just as it is.

Then again, if you watch the official trailer again (even though I know you’ve watched it enough times to have it memorized), it seems pretty clear that Columbia knows exactly what they’re selling us:

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A Guide to the Red-Band Jennifer’s Body Trailer For People That Don’t Care About Megan Fox’s Boobs
July 7, 2009

Have you seen the red-band trailer for Jennifer’s Body, which sells us Diablo Cody’s teen horror film by emphasizing the cursing and Megan Fox’s boobs?  Oh, and Megan Fox being teasingly “bisexual”?  Maybe it’s me, I can’t help but think Showgirls did the boobs and bisexuality so much better and with so much less Megan Fox.  Fortunately, I think the rest of us (and by rest of us, I mean people lacking an interest in Megan Fox and/or her boobs) still have plenty to be excited about.

For starters, there’s Amanda Seyfried:

amanda seyfried mean girls best

And she’s been the best since her scene-stealing turn in Mean Girls, and it’s simply a matter of time before she finally blows up.  She infinitely appealing and incredibly versatile (I believe her dumb blond every bit as much as her high school outcast), and this could be the breakthrough she deserves.  After all, Jamie Lee Curtis–the original Final Girl–made it big with Halloween.  For those of us who appreciate women or character and substance, she’s the Jennifer’s Body (Final) girl to watch.

And what about a generation’s nostalgia for a certain West-Coast based teen soap?  Jennifer’s Body has got the goods IN SPADES:

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The Box Trailer Gives Me All Sorts of Vapors
June 25, 2009

And not just because it looks great.  Don’t get me wrong, The Box does look badass.  Really:

Having grown up in the South, I’ve gotta admit that those Southern accents are kinda terrible, but otherwise there’s so much to love!  Like Cameron Diaz’s hair (so feathered, so fabulous!), and James Marsden (make him a star, Hollywood!), and Frank Langella super creepy busted face (so obscured, but still so scary!).  And then there’re all that unsettling surreal imagery and the fact that this trailer is thankfully edited to maximize the head-trippy weirdness and minimize your understanding of the overall narrative arc and, damnit, why must it not be out ’til October?  I’ve only so much patience to give!

Of course, I must admit that I may be totally biased.  I genuinely enjoyed Donnie Darko as the cult classic that it is, and Southland Tales was such a gloriously batshit insane fever dream of pop culture and political frustration that it was easily one of my favorite films of 2007.  That movie’s fairly been considered a cinematic train wreck, but it’s one of the wonderfully compelling train wrecks I’ve ever seen.  And besides, as we’re all well aware, I love me some train wrecks.  The fact that The Box seems more narratively focused just gets me all sorts of giddy.  But like I said, I just might be biased towards liking anything Richard Kelly does.  Why?  Here’s why:

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It’s Like Roland Emmerich Knew My Birthday Was Coming
June 19, 2009

The epic hot mess of CGI and John Cusack that is the 2012 trailer hit the interwebs yesterday, and it’s safe to say that paradigms shifted and lives were changed and none of us will ever be the same again:

You.  Must.  Be.  KIDDING ME!

The final sequence alone, in which an aircraft carrier floating that’s floating on a giant tidal wave crushes the White House, pretty much makes my brain shut down from the absolute batshit crazy brilliance, but then there’s everything else as well!  John Cusack’s car driving out of a crashing jet?  The crumbling of the Vatican?  THE REUNITING OF THE CUSACK AND AMANDA “WHORES DON’T GET A SECOND CHANCE” PEET???  I cannot handle this absurdity.  At all.

This is already destined to be the greatest movie because it’s by the man who made Independence Day, but now he’s decided to take things to the next level by taking every disaster movie ever and cranking that bitch up to “You absolutely must be joking,” which is numerically well past 11 to the point of approaching infinity.  Even if this trailer is essentially all the best parts and rest of it’s a boring meandering mess about John Cusack trying to reconnect with his kids (is that what the “plot” is about?) and the Apocalypse and Oliver Platt being in charge of the space ark (which is a !!! and ??? all at once), those disaster movie money shots will be absolutely profound on the big screen.

Best of all, though, is that it comes out on November 13th, which is the day after tomorrow my birthday!  A CGI’ed-within-an-inch-of-its-life, unremittingly-batshit-insane-to-the-point-of-avant-garde-brilliant disaster movie?  For me?  Shazam!  It’s like the movie version of this.  But even better:

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Thanks to Google Image Search, We Can Now Bask in the Weirdness of The Frightened Woman
June 15, 2009

I’m no internet technician, so I can’t attest to understanding the precise ways that a Google image search works, but I do know that often times the results can delight and confuse in equal measure.  Mostly because they make no sense.  

So color me par-for-the-course when a recent search for “frightened woman” gave me this:

frightened woman

Naturally.

A colorful art installations meant to represent the mythical vagina dentata under a search for “frightened woman” is supposed to be representative of a frightened woman?  Frightening, for sure, but hardly frightened.  Or maybe the teeth are like a rattle snake’s rattle, so maybe she is frightened?  I just don’t know.  The lady bits are nature’s great mystery to me, and I fully intend to keep it that way.

But that’s not to say that I won’t still click a link to try and figure out what in the hell is going on, and I’m glad I did.

It turns out that said above image is from a late-60s Italian movie called The Frightened Woman.  According to DVD Times, it’s an erotic exploration of sadomasochism and gender politics set, and the look is apparently steeped in a 60s deco aesthetic.  In other words, it’s trash art with subtitles, and nothing about the movie’s trailer can convince me otherwise:

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Shutter Island is Already My New Favorite Movie
June 11, 2009

I didn’t wake up this morning expecting my brain to fall straight out of my asshole this morning, but it totally did.  Movie magic tends to move me in mysterious ways.  And, really, Shutter Island looks to be totally magical:

I’m sorry, but if I had my way, it’d be a federal crime to make a movie that looks this good.  Yes, Martin Scorsese’s one of American cinema’s all-time great directors, and the fact that he’s still making consistently good–if not flat out excellent–movies this late in his career is only further proof of his talent.  Added to that, the man loves himself some Powell and Pressburger, so it’s pretty much impossible to make a case against his greatness.  It also doesn’t hurt that he’s the world’s most adorable old man:

Martin Scorcese adorable

Don’t you wish they made Pocket Scorseses that you could take everywhere and would tell you all about the rich history of film?  I know I do.

ANYWAYS, in spite of Martin Scorsese’s all-around and totally indisputable greatness/cuteness, I’ve gotta say I hate him for making this movie because it’s not out yet.  Just look at the cast!  Leonardo Dicaprio and Mark Ruffalo and Ben Kingsley and Michelle Williams and Max von Sydow and Patricia Clarkson and Jackie Earle Haley and Emily Mortimer and Elias Koteas?  All together in one gorgeous looking, gloriously pulpy detective movie/supernatural thriller that’s apparently littered with film references?  I caught references to The Red Shoes and Psycho just in the trailer, so I can only imagine what’s in the rest of the movie.  It’s like Christmas, but sooner.  And better.  And as a movie.

But October 2nd?  For real, Martin Scorsese?  Not fair.  I’ve spent far too many months anxiously anticipating total garbage like Obsessed and Powder Blue!  All my patience is spent as is!  The fact that Shutter Island looks like an actual good movie only makes things infinitely worse.  I love you, Mr. Scorsese, but that’s not going to stop me from cursing your name until this movie is out in theaters.

So, yeah, Shutter Island, y’all.  It’s the awesome-straw that broke my patience-camel back.

What’s Japanese for Train Wreck?
June 4, 2009

Yesterday, one of my co-workers sent me this e-mail:

e-mail

It should be noted that this is the co-worked who introduced us all to the dance magic that is Sara Carlson, so I immediately was optimistic.  Had he found Sara Carlson’s dance interpretation of the life of a Passion play?  Nope.  Even better.  It’s the straight-to-DVD revival of Brittany Murphy’s career.  The Ramen Girl, y’all:

Hot toddy!  Wouldn’t it have been more appropriate to just title this Japanese Cultural Fetish: The Movie?  Or Lost in Translation 2: Miso Sad ‘n Hungry?  Whatever.  This is a movie about Brittany Murphy learning to make schadenfreude soup with her tears of sadness because it’s her destiny (huh?).  Or at least that’s what the cat statue tells her (what?).  Riiiight.  

Was Brittany Murphy’s character high on something in the soup (mushrooms?  crack noodles?) that caused her to trip balls and devote her life to being a soupmonger?  Was the screenwriter high on something when they thought this was a story that needed to be told?  I’m personally betting it was weed because a movie all about ramen noodles is totally something a stoner would write.  That, or a movie all about Pillsbury Toaster Strudels.  

Whatever, I shouldn’t throw stones of bitchery because we all know what’s going to happen.  I don’t know how she does it, but Brittany Murphy sings the most irresistible siren’s song that always brings me crashing onto the jagged rocks of her bad movies.  It’ll probably be terrible, and I’ll probably hate myself for watching it, but at least I can safely say it’s not going to be as bad as Little Black Book.  Or Uptown Girls.  Really, if I can make it through the following mess, I can make it through anything:

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Found: Mischa Barton’s Career. Still Missing: Her Appreciation of Solid Food
June 2, 2009

Judging by all available pictures, Mischa Barton is Hollywood’s hardest working actress.  Why?  Because she doesn’t even have time to eat:

mischa barton hungry

Even back in her glory days as both a cast member of The O.C. (best show EVAH!) and the spokesperson for Neutrogena, I always found myself inexplicably compelled to throw bagels at the television screen and screechily demand her to eat something.  But then she died on The O.C., and with the death of Marissa came the apparent death of Ms. Barton’s career.  WRONG!  Bitch is back this fall on the CW, and her new show is the trashtacular The Beautiful Life.  Just feast your eyes on this mess:

If nothing else, I will watch this show in its entire run just to learn Mischa Barton’s stomp walk and head swivels.  Seriously, when I deliver mail at work, I want to STOMP STOMP STOMP over to my coworkers’ desks, give a hungry-hungry-bitchface look as I toss their mail down, HEAD TURN, then STOMP STOMP STOMP away.  Fortunately, though, Mischa and The Beautiful Life aren’t just educational tools on how to be a fierce bitch.  No no, they’re also a lesson in crafting mind-bending drama:

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Gerard Butler Will Do Anything for a Klondike Bar
June 1, 2009

I don’t know about you, but I always think of the first phrase “hot piece” when Gerard Butler comes up.  Yes?

gerard_butler

I tend to prefer my men’s facial hair to be a little more trimmed, but I most certainly wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers.  Something about him just screams “roguish devil,” and those eyes are simply incredible.  Anyways, because he’s payed his dues [aka, screaming all his lines in 300 (a terrible, terrible movie that I unfortunately saw) and posthumously sending Hilary Swank on a ridiculous scavenger hunt in P.S. I Love You (a terrible, terrible looking movie that I fortunately avoided like the plague)], 2009 is going to be his breakout year.  Why?  He’s the lead in not just one, but two movies!  He’s got The Ugly Truth, a rom-com designed to appeal to the ladies:

Yeesh.  Are Hollywood’s notion of ladies in actuality brain-dead, zombies with a penchant for masochism?  

I know that most people think of Katherine Heigl as that actress from Grey’s Anatomy who wears the same pair of bitch pants every day when she goes to work, but I really like her.  She was charming in Knocked Up, and she’s the best part about the second season of Grey’s Anatomy (other than Sandra Oh and Sandra Oh’s fabulous hair).  She even made me think about seeing 27 Dresses, so she obviously has a hold on me.  Still, this movie looks terrible!  And not in a fun way!  

Who thinks these bullshit gender wars movies are insightful entertainment?  I get it, Hollywood: women are all about communication and emotions, and men are all about boobies and sex.  Neat.  I could go on and on about how this movie isn’t worth seeing because it relies on lazy observations about the sexes for cheap laughs and how we already know that Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler will get together in the end.  Really, though, I think the trailer says all that for me, so let’s spare me the carpal tunnel and move right along.

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Werner Herzog’s Made His Showgirls
June 1, 2009

This is Werner Herzog:

herzog

(portrait © Robin Holland)

It’s rather safe to say that he’s one of cinema’s indisputable masters.  He’s made masterworks like Aguirre, the Wrath of God and Fitzcarldo and Grizzly Man.  He’s also a man of his word.  In short, Werner Herzog’s on the short list of the Bestest, and he’s now made Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.  It’s about a cocaine-addicted police officer without any moral scruples and a major case of sailor’s mouth (ruh-roh!), and it stars Nicolas Cage (double, all-caps RUH-ROH!).  This is the trailer, which is not safe for work and will probably have my mother asking me why I get a thrill out of such garbage:

Crimminy crap, such garbage!  But hilarious garbage, to be sure!  There’s no point in even commenting on Nicolas Cage’s performance because we’ve all come to expect him to be consistently, categorically insane.  He has a lucky crack pipe, he hallucinates iguanas, and he fires off his gun so onlookers will leave him be while he has public sex with crack whores.  Nicolas Cage’s officially our generation’s John Wayne, the grand camp jester of histrionic masculinity; he’s brilliant.  I think what’s more important is the rest of this cast.  Serioulsly, y’all, it doesn’t make a damn lick of sense.

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From Beginning to End Proves Brazilian Cinema Does It Better
May 23, 2009

The less said about this trailer for From Beginning to End (Do Começo ao Fim) the better, other than it’s certifiably the most ridiculous thing I’ve encountered in quite some.  Just watch it and remember that this is an actual movie and an actual story that people felt committed to tell because they see it as having serious, artistic merit.  Also, before you click play and watch this, prepare to have your brain melt and then spew out through your ears.  Seriously, you’ve been warned:

Ermmm….neat?  And also, HUH???

Perhaps this is simply an example of a movie that touches on a taboo that I can’t even wrap around my head, but I’m willing to bet that the large majority of the world would equally agree with my sentiments that this is kinda creepy.  I could even see this movie as trying to be more a metaphor for the broader socially forbidden love of homosexuality, but that doesn’t really work because we don’t need an extra layer of uncomfortable icing on our sexual taboo cake.  Homosexuality still holds enough of a taboo in mainstream film to where it’s pretty a shortcake: you just add some strawberries (like being a cowboy in Brokeback Mountain) and then serve.  From Beginning to End is too much of everything, though, and so it looks like it’s a multi-tiered cake of various taboos that’ll inevitably collapse in on itself.

That said, I totally appreciate any movie that’s seeking to confront what we perceive as right and wrong in order to make us evaluate our moral codes and social fabrics.  I could and should be capable of treating this movie as a serious endeavor that demands an intelligent, open-minded  discussion about cultural sexual mores, but instead I just keep replaying this trailer in awe of how–in spite of its polished direction and competent performances and attractive male leads and Philip Glassian score (and I do so love my Philip Glassian scores, y’all)–this movie looks so epically trashy!

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Beyond a Reasonable Doubt Confirms That 2009 Is the Year of the Bad Movie
May 20, 2009

I’m a firm believer in the thought that 2008 was an impressively strong year for movies.  In one year, we were treated to inspired films such as Milk, The Dark Knight, WALL·E, Love Songs, Vicky Cristina BarcelonaThe Last Mistress, and Zombie Strippers*.  While we’ve admittedly still got months to go and the inevitable Oscar season of nomination hopefuls, this year’s already seeming comparatively disappointing for actual good movies.  Bad movies, on the other hand, seem to be popping up like Kudzu in Georgia, so I’m obviously happier than a go-go dancer at a g-string sale.

Think about it: this is the year in which we’ve already been given Obsessed and we’re soon going to get Powder Blue.  There’s no way in hell that Inglourious Basterds is not going to be garbage-and-a-half (the prospect of witnessing Eli Roth’s acting is just bizarro icing on Quentin Tarantino’s insane-o cake), and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen will be Baytastic (meaning fast, loud, and totally batshit crazy), so our summer’s clearly a hot mess, and this fall brings us a real winner:

beyond_a_reasonable_doubt

Beyond the fact that this poster is a pretty sub-standard Saul Brown rip-off, this is a movie with Jesse Metcalfe in TOP BILLING ABOVE MICHAEL DOUGLAS.  Amber Tamblyn’s at least actually been in movies (John Tucker Must Die isn’t a movie, just awful at 24-frames per second), and she gets second billing, but she still gets billing above Michael Douglas?  How did producers assemble this cast, and how in the hell is this movie not movie heading straight to DVD faster than a bullet train wreck?  Is Michael Douglas even actually in this movie?

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The “Plot” for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is Even More Ludicrous Than Expected
May 1, 2009

The final trailer for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has arrived, and it makes me yearn for the days when it looked like this movie was just going to be two hours of Michael Bay’s patented brand of “high art” (robot carnage and lots of explosions).  Just look at this mess:

So let’s get this clear: Shia LaBeouf touches that shard thing, has an acid flashback, and then proceeds to scribble ominous hieroglyphics anywhere and everywhere possible.  All of this somehow relates back other hieroglyphics found around the world that seem to have something to do an impending robot war.  A war that, amongst other places, will take place in a college library.  Riiiiiight.  I’m not saying that this is the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever seen, but, really, it’s totally the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever seen.  This of course means I have to see it as soon as is Earthly possible.

I’ve never seen a movie enter such crazed stratospheres of absurdity in its attempt to string together set pieces.  These action sequences are held together by the narrative equivalent of Batshit Krazy Glue.  I recognize that trying to find a glimmer of logic in a movie about battling robots that’s directed by Michael Bay is a foolish endeavor, like going fishing in a bath tub or me making love to a woman, but really?  Most movies require you to suspend your belief, but Transformers 2 is looking as though you need to jettison it off into the darkest recesses of space. Well played, Michael Bay.  You’re officially the craziest man in Hollywood, and I mean that with the utmost respect.

Also, judging from the trailers, Megan Fox’s character doesn’t go to college because she’s staying back home and working as a motorcycle mechanic.  The sexy motorcycle mechanic who wrote THE textbook on dressing appropriate for work, natch.  Seriously:

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There’s a Million Reasons Why Glee is Your New Favorite Show. Here are Just a Few
May 1, 2009

First and foremost, there’s the extended trailer.  Without a question, this show is going to be brilliant:

LOLOLOL!  This is the best, right?  RIGHT.

Still, if you find yourself needing talking points to explain to your friends why you’ll be busy on May 19th, as well as why they should also be canceling plans and staying in for the Glee preview special, then allow me to give you a few suggestions:

  • Glee is a genuinely clever spin on the archetypal high-school-set underdog narrative.  This is essentially like Bring It On (a movie that nobody, or at least nobody I’d ever care to know, doesn’t love) stretched into a serial television show and made infinitely more camp by being set in the musical-number-laden world of glee clubs.  You certainly don’t have to be a ‘mo to love this show, but it probably helps to have one in the family.  Or, at the least, your place of work.
  • Jane Lynch is in it.  This woman is an undeniable force of pure hilarity, and if she’s reason enough to see Post Grad, she certainly is reason enough to watch Glee.
  • Any mention of gold stars immediately triggers thoughts of Notes on a Scandal, which is a completely unrelated movie that is totally incredible and you really should see if you haven’t already.  Hell, just watching the trailer makes me certain that May 19th is going to be a gold star day.
  • Matthew Morrison, the guy who plays the teacher in charge of the glee club, is the Altoid of good looks.  He’s curiously handsome.
  • Ryan Murphy’s the creator.  He gave us the short-lived-but-totally-amazing show Popular and Nip/Tuck, a show that’s now completely derailed into batshit insanity but was genuinely great for the first two seasons.  Any television series that casts Famke “Fierce Bitch” Janssen as a tranny can’t be bad.
  • One word: Journey.

So there you have it.  Now neither you nor any of your friends have any excuses to not to watch Glee.  Seriously, y’all, it’s going to be the greatest.  Show.  EVER!

Much love to Parker for the tip!

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