Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

Blistering Eroticism Alert!!! Here’s the Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer…with LEGOs
February 9, 2015

50 shades of grey lego

Seeing as I was basically on blog hiatus the past few years, I never got to check in and take the pop culture temperature when things got Way Too Hot to Handle, which is clearly what happened when E.L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey was unleashed upon us all. From the subways of New York City to the one time I flew to Davenport, Iowa for and saw a group of middle-aged women on the flight all pull out their copies with the choreographed synchronicity of a Busby Berkeley number, that book was inescapable. In 2012.

Does Fifty Shades of Grey still have any zeitgeist-y momentum these days, or was it but a flash in the contempo-pop pan? Judging by this LEGO remake of the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer made by Antonio Toscano, Fifty Shades has still got it (for now). This trailer is Safe for Work, but keep your fainting chaise close and your clutching pearls handy. You know, just in case:

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Sharks Vs. Jets
February 7, 2015

10469232_10152717938154422_497503051631501060_n

When you’re a meme, you’re a meme all the way…

[via tumblr. Much love to Josh for this one.]

Blah Blah Blah Magic Mike XXL Teaser Trailer Blah Blah Blah
February 5, 2015

Words are meaningless when it comes to something like this Magic Mike XXL teaser trailer. Channing Tatum has clearly learned from the poet laureate of ridiculous stripper movies, Joe Eszterhas: when all else fails, THRUST IT! As a result, ladies and gentlemen of a certain persuasion are already clutching their pearls and clicking their way to Fandango, and I don’t even have to be bothered with a pithy title. Thrust it, indeed.

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Is This the Most Perfect YouTube Video Title?
February 4, 2015

liza minnelli mein herr chair

Your mileage may very, but I’m going to go with a resounding “YES!” After all, it’s got Liza Minelli and internal rhyme. What more can you ask for?

And because every day’s better with a little Cabaret, let’s all relive the joys of “Mein Herr with Chair” after the jump:

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Surprise! There’s Going to Be a Brittany Murphy Biopic on Lifetime
August 14, 2014

still-of-brittany-murphy-in-spun-(2002)

Well, well, well, this certainly comes as a surprise. It looks like Brittany Murphy (seen above in a dazzling still from Spun), who tragically passed away in 2009, will be getting the Lifetime biopic treatment. Between this and The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story, Lifetime looks to be chasing the nostalgic-millennials-with-a-penchant-for-hot-garbage market hard.

Us Weekly is reporting that Lifetime will air The Brittany Murphy Story on September 6th. Last Man Standing‘s Amanda Fuller will star as Brittany, and Sherilyn Fenn (!!!) will play Britanny’s mom, Sharon Murphy. I’m all for Sherilyn Fenn being cast in anything (Twin Peaks 4EVER), but I’m not sure about Amanda Fuller. She doesn’t really look at all like Brittany Murphy. Then again, Lifetime’s casting agents have done far worse.

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Rest in Peace, Lauren Bacall
August 13, 2014

Lauren Bacall

[Image via Doctor Macro]

Is This Colorized Still of Joan Crawford in Humoresque Art?
August 12, 2014

joan-crawford_oeuvre_grand

Seriously, y’all, is this art?

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Rest in Peace, Robin Williams
August 11, 2014

18 Questions Raised by the First Clip from Lifetime’s Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story
August 11, 2014

saved by the bell lifetime movie cast
Last Friday, Lifetime gave us our first taste of their Saved by the Bell behind-the-scenes drama, The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story. If it’s anything like makeshift Mark Paul Gosselaar’s Sun-In’ed and synthetic wig, this movie is going to be extremely cheap and terribly misguided. Seriously, just look at this…thing:

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Last Night, I Dreamt of Kim Novak’s Eyebrows…
July 12, 2013

kim BB&C

Oh, girl. Last night, I saw 1958’s Bell, Book and Candle for the very first time. It’s a bit of a trifle, but what a trifle it is! And it’s also apparently an allegory for pre-Stonewall homosexuality? Okay! Anyways, it’s about a witch who casts a spell on a publisher so he’ll fall in love with her. It stars Kim Novak as the witch and James Stewart as the publisher. Most importantly, though, it stars Kim Novak’s eyebrows as the world’s most clutch-your-pearls! perfect eyebrows. EVER:

Kim-Novak-Collection_DVD_R1_Disc2_Bell-Book_03215

DON’T YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?!? PERFECTION.

Separately, Kim Novak’s eyebrows are like two oversized, painted silk pillows of exquisitely arched exaggeration; together, they’re a plush velvet fainting chaise of eyebrow eleganza handcrafted to cradle my weary heart.

As paradigms shifted swishily, it seemed only reasonable I have a series of visceral reaction. Shock! Delight! Giggles! Vapors! Intrigue! Ecstasy! Obsession! Love. You know, FEELINGS.

I was certain but nothing could top this eyebrow high, this highbrow, if you will. But then, like the space scientists in Prometheus or dinner reservations at Guy Fieri’s Times Square restaurant, I was wrong. I was so wrong.

You see, last night, I dreamt of Kim Novak’s eyebrows.

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Yoko Ono Covers Katy Perry’s “Firework”, Totally Kills It
December 11, 2012

Oh man. Purrfection, y’all. A++ and all the gold stars, too. “Plastic Bag” is out. “AaaaAAAaaaAAGH” is in. Never change, Yoko Ono. Never Change.

Much love to Dlisted and Videogum for this one.

This Liz & Dick GIF Is Everything
November 28, 2012

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then this GIF is worth a thousand, flawless white diamonds. Or, better still, a thousand bottles of the flawlessly scented White Diamonds! ELIZABLOHAN, HOW MANY GIFS DID YOU TAKE?!? (*SPOILER ALERT!*: Just this one.) This GIF is my  absolute everything, y’all. LIZ & DICK “I’m so bored!” GIF back and forth 4EVA!!!

Much love to The TV Screen by way of Videogum for this one.

TGIF! Here’s Some Dying Cats Singing “My Heart Will Go On”
April 6, 2012

Sure, it’s no me-at-karaoke, but the sound of a few cats dying might as well be the sound of two cats f*cking, so this deserves a gold star, even if this is Kate Winslet’s reaction. Besides, Titanic 3-D is out this weekend, and if you think I’m not going to be seeing it, you clearly forget that I’m a teenage girl wearing bad idea pajama jeans trapped in a gay man’s body. Seriously, such a special occasion deserves a moment of recognition, and if  Dead Cat Orchestra’s charmingly weird cover of “My Heart Will Go On” isn’t up to the task, I don’t know what is! Wouldn’t you agree, Hausu Ghost Cat?

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This Is the Best Team Peeta Sign
March 28, 2012

To give some context (though I ask you: does this picture really need context?), when Conan O’Brien asked Josh Hutcherson what was the craziest sign he saw on the publicity tour for The Hunger Games, this was Hutcherson’s answer:

teem peeniss

Hahahahaha, PERFECT. (Insert obligatory boy with the bread’s baguette jokes here, obviously.)

You know, when it comes to The Hunger Games, I’ve always thought of myself as Team Gale, but with a sign like this, I’m beginning to think I wouldn’t kick either of ’em out of bed for eating “crackers.” Mostly ‘cos they’re so damn hungry…from living in District 12. It would just be rude. (Insert obligatory Hunger Gang Bang jokes here. OBVIOUSLY.)

Much love to Buzzfeed for this one.

What ELSE Should the Internet Have Empire Strikes Back Reveal Kid React To?
October 7, 2011

Don’t get me wrong, y’all. The above video of one kid’s legitimately adorable reaction to the climactic reveal in The Empire Strikes Back is worthy of its viral status. I mean, it’s basically a ticking ovary time bomb of cold-fusion cuteness. But wouldn’t the parents rather experience such a moment without the filter of a Flip Cam, or do parents just record and upload anything to YouTube these days? I don’t know. I didn’t write the chapter on making your child a momentary internet super star, which is good, because it’d look like this:

  1. Sparkle!
  2. More Dolls!
  3. SPARKLE!

Patty Duke would be proud, but Children’s Services? Not so much, but I digress.

As I was saying, this being the internet, when Videogum’s Kelly joked that it’ll be great to start recording childrens’ reactions to every movie (like David Fincher’s Se7en, for example), the internet must naturally abide:

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Voldemort Really Loves Draco
August 1, 2011

Though probably not quite as much as Dumbledore loves Harry.

Much love to Buzzfeed for this one.

Lindsay Lohan Could (Should?) Have Been the Swan Queen!
July 15, 2011

Well, well, well. The gossip world’s abuzz with claims that perennial tabloid critter and one-time Nina Sayers of Quiznos ads, Lindsay Lohan, may have a chip on her shoulder for never getting so much as a casting call for Black Swan. Obviously a story this good demands some equally grand ‘n glorious Photoshopping, so here you go:

Long story short, Us Weekly reports that Lindsay Lohan apparently flew down for a photo shoot and interview with Plum Miami Magazine, and when she proceeded to back out of the interview, writer Jacquelynn Powers went ahead with a story chronicling both Lindsay Lohan’s eloquence (“Move that cone. I’m Lindsay Lohan.”) and perceived career slights:

Frustrated with the state of her career, Lohan said she “took ballet until she was 19 and was indignant that she was not considered for the movie Black Swan,” Powers adds.

For such bravery in the face of Dina Lohan’s inevitable wrath, I do believe Ms. Powers deserves a “Bitch, you bold!” AND a gold star, y’all.

You know, there used to be a time when we’d hear stories about the roles Lindsay Lohan refused to take or speculate about possible Lohan-related video games, but now it’s stories about roles Lindsay Lohan believes she should have been (but wasn’t even) offered? I mean, I’m happy that she’s got as firm a grasp on reality as Natalie Portman did during that one scene in Black Swan when Mila Kunis took a swan dive into her smiling snatch (terrible pun and a Showgirls line grab! + +!), but why does the gossip world have to tease us so? Black Swan brilliance mixed with the sort of bravura acting last witnessed in I Know Who Killed Me? Obviously we need more Photoshopping to imagine how this better, batsh*ttier Black Swan Version 2.OMGWANT!!! could’ve ended:

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George C. Scott Watching the Jack and Jill Trailer Almost Redeems the Jack and Jill Trailer
July 12, 2011

George C. Scott’s suffering is both delicious and precisely what we’re all feeling right now, but the trailer for Adam Sandler’s “comedy” Jack and Jill is still the trailer for Adam Sandler’s “comedy” Jack and Jill, so like I said: ALMOST.

Much love to Paul Bonanno by way of Buzzfeed for this one.

This Teaser Trailer for The Iron Lady Has Got Me So Excited
July 7, 2011

I never before realized that all it takes to sell me on a movie is music from Clint Mansell’s score for Moon (“Welcome to Lunar Industries”, I wanna say) and 10 seconds of Meryl Streep ACTING as a bitch even more evil and British than Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada (at  least you knew Miranda Priestly liked the gays). Apparently, though, that’s all it takes to have me going full Jesse Spano with giddy anticipation.

Seriously, I haven’t been this excited for a movie since I flipped my shit over the trailer for Black Swan, which makes sense because they both have a lot in common. Both promise oodles of Oscar-baiting ladyACTING (which is my favorite), and both are basically horror movies:

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Toasters ‘N’ Moose’s “Taste the Biscuit”: The Ode to Biscuits That’s Been Missing From Our Lives
June 15, 2011

If you’re in a two-piece band called Toasters ‘N’ Moose, and your keyboardist is ofttimes mistaken for a homeless person while your vocalist reminds me of a less zaftig Paula Deen, and you’ve just scored the opportunity to play a place called Dante’s (or something) that looks sorta like the world’s saddest Salvation Army (is there any other kind?), but they’ve only allowed you to do one song, well, you’ve gotta make it a good one. So you’d better break out your big guns (nay, your biggest!), which obviously is a “song” called “Taste the Biscuit”:

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