In the annals (heh) of things I have no business talking about, I’m well aware that football tops (teehee) the list. Nevertheless, a footballer is still a slab of beef by another name, so I guess today’s category is butch queen realness.
Anyways, Tim Tebow showed up on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to talk about the Super Bowl, which isn’t very exciting if it isn’t an excuse for a 12-minute Madonna concert. As if she knew she needed something for the rest of us, Ellen Degeneres asks about Tim Tebow’s dating life, and that sound you heard is the clickity clack of a thousand thirsty bromosexuals updating their Super Bowl slash fiction. That’s what a Fantasy Football is, right?
After Mr. Tebow announces that he’s single, the two of them spend the rest of the time dodging pronouns the same way I dodge football games, which is to say very well. There should be this, and there should be that, and there There THERE.
This in turn has caused a bunch of people to take to various comments sections and stir up the speculation about Tim Tebow’s sexuality. I can see what they’re saying (and I’d like to see more of it, wink wink nudge nudge), but I’m an old pro at the art of reading way too into things, so the hell if I know.
For example, I spent my junior year of college pining after a friend I thought might be gay because we met in French Film class and one time we watched a Jacques Demy movie together. I eventually told him I had feelings for him, he apologized for being straight, and then I projectile vomited bright red hunch punch off the balcony of my apartment. It was a high-water mark for perception and grace.
My point is, maybe Tim Tebow is looking for a “partner”, or maybe he’s just really into French film. Either way, I doubt we’ll ever know for sure, and that is why there are boyfriend arm pillows.
Oh, and whatever you do, don’t drink the hunch punch.