David Hasselhoff Is Thirsty for Love in This Completely Batsh*t Commercial for Iced Coffee

cumberland farms farmhouse blend

Don’t worry, y’all! When David Hasselhoff croons in this commercial that he’s thirsty for “love,” it’s actually a super sexy double entendre for “iced coffee,” so depending on how deep your river of feelings for the Hoff runneth, you’ll only maaaybe recall that one time in Düsseldorf so many years ago when too many espresso body shots led to you and a strapping West Berlin backpacker named Hans both doing things you promised each other you’d never do again. Mostly because he liked dudes, and you liked not pegging.

But I digress.

After the jump is a commercial starring David Hasselhoff for Cumberland Farms Farmhouse blend iced coffee, which is apparently available for any size at 99¢. I’m not entirely sure, though, because my brain broke from how utterly f*cking batsh*t this thing is. It’s like somebody tried to ferment a rancid Old Spice commercial in an acid bag of coffee beans. Case in point: the above screen grab of the Hoff blowing you a kiss while holding an iced coffee and riding a jet ski. In front of dolphins. DOLPHINS. And that’s just the tip of this iced coffee crazyberg! What I’m trying to say is that you should watch this thing. It’s glorious:

Oh, that green screen surfing! (Who thought this was a good idea?)

And for that matter, that green screen everything else!! (No, really. Who??)

And those random black women on the beach whose faces we never see even for their one shot!!! (Why where they there, AND WHERE DID THEY GO???)

And oh, OH! Those sweet, sweet moves Hasselhoff drops upon us at the :49 mark!!!! (Will I ever love again now that I’ve witnessed the sexually devastating gyrations of the Hoff????)

I think…I just…I can’t…I…

scanners head explosion

Much love to Videogum for this one.

One Response

  1. I actually like the commercial, it’s catchy and the “HOFF” pulls it off! You can’t help but watch it and that friggin’ tune stays in your head! Believe it or not Hasselhoff was a big star over in Europe back in the 80’s, they love him. We should look as good at his age.
    Oh yeah, the coffee is pretty damn good!


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