Five Reasons I’m the Most Excited for the New Season of Big Brother

Heads up, y’all. Big Brother 13 premieres tomorrow night, which means it’s entirely this blog could possibly devolve into incoherent, stream-of-conscious medley of Showgirls references and excessively homosexual chatter (which it already is), but now also peppered with all sorts of random asides to Rachel’s weave and hoping for the return of Zingbot. In short, this blog will make like a Talking Heads concert film and stop making sense, so consider yourself warned.

Anyways, if you’re uninitiated in Big Brother and would like a little insight into the impending insanity (or you’re my mother and will just want some vagues sense as to what the f*ck I’m babbling on about over the phone for the next few months), here are five reasons why I’m the most excited for the new season of Big Brother.

1. Big Brother 12‘s Rachel is back, bitches!

Sure, if the beginning of this two-part (two!) verbal throwdown between her and Ragan is any indication, having to live in the Big Brother house 24/7 with Rachel is probably like having to cohabitate with a bullying, shrill harpy in a cherry-red, jank weave, so Almost the Living Worst. (Actually the Living Worst would be having to live with Big Brother 11‘s Natalie.) But a waking nightmare for the houseguests is a glorious, glorious train wreck of humanity for the rest of us, so Rachel Reilly’s return is a guaranteed stamp of excellence for the new season.

2. Julie Chen.

3. Julie Chen’s Hair.

4. Julie Chen’s Outfits.

Sure, one could argue that these are all actually one reason, but I’m not one to question Julie Chen’s multitudinous fabulousness, y’all. Seriously, the Chen-Bot will not tolerate such insubordination.

5. The Competitions Pretty Much Are This Batshit Insane.

Look, I’m not saying there ever will be an Eyes Wide Shut Robot Orgy, but I’m also not saying I’d ever be opposed to an Eyes Wide Shut Robot Orgy. Make it happen, CBS!

So yeah, there you have it, y’all. Big Brother 13 premieres Thursday night at 8 9 p.m. EST. Aren’t you so excited? Wait, you’re actually so scared? Oh. Don’t be.

UPDATE 7.6.2011: As Will observed, Big Brother 13 premieres at 9 p.m. EST, not 8 p.m as I’d initially written. Guess some of us are too excited to even be able to wait the extra hour! Thanks, Will!

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