When you think about how often I freak my freak out over Showgirls, you might’ve figured I’d have been flailing my fey little blog hands (like spirit fingers across the keyboard, if you will) on the daily when it came to the Cher and Xtina cinematic extravaganza, Burlesque. After all, any movie musical set in the world of burlesque theater starring Cher and Christina Aguilera could very well be the next Showgirls, and at the very least it’s sure to wrestle away the crown–or would it be wig?–for Gayest Movie Ever (sorry, Gang Bang Bottoms 17). If nothing else, it’s a testament to my unabashed faggotry that so many people shared the trailer with me as if I wasn’t all over it (thanks, you guys!!!). Believe me, ladyfriends, I was. It’s just that I ended up doing a bunch of this whenever I watched the trailer. But with a whole lot more rainbow confetti. You know, the usual homo things stuff.
ANYWAYS, Burlesque is out today, so obviously I’m excited (so excited!). More importantly, though, that means the reviews for Burlesque are out (so excited!), which means the critics consensus over at Rotten Tomatoes has spoken: Burlesque sits at rather bleak 32% over at Rotten Tomatoes (so scared!). Could my greatest fear–that Burlesque could be a Sex and the City 2 instead of a Showgirls–be true?!? Mais non, mes soeurs. I’ve gathered a few delectable quotes (with a dash of commentary) to give us hope that Burlesque could in fact be the Great Camp Hope for which we’ve all been waiting:
Right off the bat, let’s start with Peter Howell of the Toronto Star:
I keep seeing bad news, but all I hear is that Christina Aguilera ACTS. Look out, Jessica Biel!
Now that we’ve got our feet wet, what about New York Observer‘s most seasoned film critic, Rex Reed? What does he think?
Cher’s not in it that much? Sadness for certain, but Mr. Reed also had me at “loud, lewd and ludicrous.” Never mind the lack of an Oxford comma, let’s consider another serious critic’s assessment:
A legitimate criticism, for sure. Armond White raises a couple interesting arguments about race representation (Xtina over Beyonce) and The Musical’s formal aesthetics (Minnelli v. Marshall) in his review, so snaps to that. But this also from the man that defends Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? I can’t even defend that mess, and I even tried on those bad idea pants. Several times. To no avail. And I can’t blame it on having my mother’s hips.
Let’s move on to Susan Granger of the SSG Syndicate:
Could somebody please explain to me who this woman is, and why she’s giving such good quotes? She presents a series of adjectives that simply screams, “BUY, NOW!” Seriously, it’s as though my mother wrote that line, except my mother has a far better sense of humor. Thanks, Mom Jeans critic!
But wait! Critics were also impressed! Like Jessica Grose of Slate:
It sounds AND looks good? Ooh, tell me more, Keith Uhlich of Time Out New York:
GURHL, KEEP GOING:
Nathan Rabin of The Onion‘s AV Club gives it a positive review? Wait, ANYBODY is giving it a positive review and describing it as that “terrible film that will delight nearly everyone who sees it”? Fuck me like I’m Nomi Malone in a dolphin-statue adorned swimming pool. Let’s keep going, crazy train of critics:
…I’m sure Ann Hornaday of the Washington Post probably didn’t intend an incidental fisting entendre, but I can’t resist the opportunity. A “two-hander” homo movie? WHOOAH! These jokes write themselves! I’ll be here all week, so do try the adorable lamb chops, blah blah blah. NEXT:
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: Could Burlesque be bad? Maybe. Could it be fab? I sure as hell hope. My point is that Burlesque is sure to be a cinematic experience we’ll never forget, so to hell with Black Friday (trust me, I’ve worked that bitch in that past, and it’s THE WORST), and let’s trade it in for a Pink Weekend. And even better yet? Let’s make sure there’s TONS OF FUCKING SEQUINS! It’s Thanksgiving, after all, and Burlesque‘s existence is reason enough to give thanks in my book.