If anyone can explain to me how in the world Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale movie could conceivably not be the best Christmas movie of all time, I’d love to sit through their Powerpoint presentation plumbing the depths of that argument, because I’m just not buying it. I mean, we all know I love me some batshit crazy, and this movie looks like it’s bringing the crazy like an extra-large stocking overstuffed with spades. How can we possibly lose? Oh, that’s right: WE CAN’T. And don’t take my obviously biased and ofttimes hyperbolic word for it. Do yourself a favor and bathe your eyeballs in the glorious insanity of the Rare Exports trailer:
Oh, trailer, you had me at all of it, but particularly at “Santa is going to find out who’s naughty or nice.” That’s when I head rolled right off from all that awesome.
Seriously, though, Rare Exports looks like the sort of holiday movie we can all get behind. Are you a godless American who’s trying to trying to destroy what Christmas is really about (presents. Oh, and Jesus.)? Rare Exports has a Santa Clause that eats little children! Take that, Jesus freaks:
And if you’re a hard-working, real American worried that a certain socialist Muslim is trying to take God out of this country, which will make your kids super gay as this country slides into the ocean? Rare Export has an evil Santa Clause that eats little children…and probably dies! Praise the Lord, y’all, and pass them Freedom Fries!
At this point, the only thing I don’t understand is how this film’s been off my radar for so long. The Entertainment Weekly PopWatch post that introduced me to this movie is from September 10th, and I’m only hearing about it today? You guys, we have got to spread the word so nobody suffers the awful fate of not knowing that this Finnish movie about a cannibal Santa Clause is a movie that actually exists! After all, the cold darkness of ignorance is such a terrible place to reside.
So dust off your favorite Yule Log recipe (or that half-eaten loaf of fruit cake from last Christmas), and head over to the official website to see when it’s coming to a theater near you. Rare Exports is totally your new holiday tradition, and you LOVE IT.
Much love to Matt for the tip.