Important Moments in Lost FAILs: Lost Fails to Deliver Sufficient Levels of Dick Alpert Hotness, Abs

As a self-admitted Lost fan facing the rapidly approaching series finale, I try to remind myself that despite all the years of obsessive speculation and moments of howler-monkeying at the television in shock/frustration/amazement, Lost is only a show, and so it is only natural for it to occasionally slip up.  After all, how else do the explain the utterly delicious third season mistake that was Paulo?

Or his partner in crime, Nikki?

Her catchphrase?  Also delicious.  The rest?  Not so much.  Small wonder her character was buried alive, though it’s such a shame Rodrigo Santoro had to go with her.  Double whoops on the sexy front, Lost writers!

Anywhoozle, I fully accept that no show–including Lost–will ever be perfect, and I can make peace with the occasional Lost misstep much like I eventually made peace with the public school storyarc in the third season of The O.C.; HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean I won’t call things like I see ’em, which brings us to this:

richard alpert sexy beard

Don’t get me wrong.  Richard Alpert looking like a dirty bearded hobo with a Spanish accent gave me all sorts of vapors last night.  If you took him off Lost island and gave him a PBR and some rambling back story about that one time he almost made it big with his rock band, he’d fit right in with any of the other aging hipsters in Williamsburg, and I’ve no shame in admitting I’d hit that.  I just wouldn’t actually fess up to it if I did.  That, or I’d lie and say I thought he was European.

My point is that, for as much time as last night’s episode spent on basically making Richard Alpert’s flashback an SNL Digital Short without Andy Samberg or T-Pain, I find it thoroughly disappointing that Lost failed to capitalize on the potential vapor factor of Richard Alpert looking like he’d wandered onto the cover of a Harlequin romance novel about the sexy Spanish slave who steals the heart of the plantation owner’s daughter after she gives into the temptation of his sugar cane.  Were we not promised teased with the possibility of Alpert abs, Lost?  Oh, we were, but clearly that was to be as trusted as a next-episode promo that promises us that Answers.  Will Be.  REVEALED!  And I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one who feels this way:

That kid (probably) knows what I’m talking about.

So seriously, Lost, get with the shameless sexploitation of your ridiculously hot cast and give us the full Alpert monty, or at least as much Alpert monty as the FCC will allow for shows airing at 9:00 pm, Eastern Standard Time.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to bury the lack of a man in my life under a box of Sara Lee chocolate covered cheesecake bites.

Much love to Jessica for the Richard Alpert fan video.

5 Responses

  1. i’m still really, really sad paolo was killed. first boone, then paolo. its like the island kills all the hot dudes.


    • it’s so true. this fact, more than anything else, lends credence to the theory that the island is hell. or at least hell for people that like ogling hot guys.


  2. The island also tends to kill/cause men with accents to go missing. Alpert lost his accent, Paolo and Charlie died, and Desmond is off “Aye, brutha”ing somewhere ona boat. Hurley and his Twinky eating can only go so far…


  3. […] it’s been six glorious, occasionally frustrating years with the survivors of the Oceanic Flight 815 crash, and I for one am not ready to get off that […]


  4. […] This video’s great not only because of how spot-on it is at understanding both Lost and every sitcom about roommates ever, but also because of that ending.  That ending is the best possible way Lindeloff and Cuse could end Lost to end besides the one that addresses the mystery that is what Richard Alpert’s abs look like, which is precisely why it won’t happen. […]


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