A Few Reasons I Probably Shouldn’t Discuss Remember Me

So I’ve been asked to spend a few words on this:

I might as well have been asked to give an introductory lecture on the films of John Wayne or an instructional course on finding the G-Spot.  There really are too many reasons to count as to why I should take a pass on this one, but popular demand (aka, a single request posted on my Facebook wall) is popular demand, so I decided the best way to talk about Remember Me is to actually talk about why I shouldn’t talk about Remember Me.  Now let’s get meta and do this thing.

Reason One: Inevitable Teen Girl Squad Backlash

If the first year of Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has taught me anything, it’s that you do NOT challenge the tastes of teenage girls with internet connections.  They will metaphorically shank you with their hastily composed comments, and each misspelled word and basic grammatical error will sting worse than a thousand paper cuts from thoroughly dog-eared copy of Breaking Dawn.  Believe me.  I know.

Anyways, for that reason alone I know that I shouldn’t contribute my two cents on Remember Me, or any Robert Pattinson movie for that matter.  No matter the movie,  it will only end in bad things (burning my effigy in a chaotic orgy of hormone-addled bloodlust?).  Particularly if I were to started flapping my trap about that one where he played a gay Salvadore Dali (burning me at the stake in a chaotic orgy of hormone-addled bloodlust).  Like I said, I know I shouldn’t, but that’s obviously not stopping me.

Reason Two: The Trailer

Maybe it’s my inner nerd’s getting confused as to how Claire got of Lost island and managed to lose her baby AND her Austrailian accent, or maybe this trailer just needs more Alexis Bledel, but my inner teen girl is not feeling this trailer.  I mean, my only reaction is getting the vibe that one of them’s going to kick it, so then I ponder what terminal illness it’s going to be and which one of them will succumb to it.  What?  I’ve seen enough Nicholas Sparks movies to know the drill by this point, y’all.  

Anyways, I personally like to imagine  it’ll be Claire Emilie de Ravin with her penchant for sweets and her Type III Diabetes, which is an imaginary movie Diabetes that’s only fatal if your lover hasn’t yet learned to appreciate every day to its fullest.  And no, I didn’t decide on that ending because I’ve got something against her.  I chose it because she has to go back to the island.  So she can wear her ridiculous sixth-season wig:

Hot damn does that wig win at life. 

Reason Three: The Reported Ending to Remember Me

So internet rumor has it that Remember Me has a surprise ending, and Vulture is reporting this is the  (SPOILER ALERT) “surprise” ending:

In the absence of any time-marking signposts, viewers are led to believe that Remember Me is set in the present — but it’s really 2001. At movie’s end, after having a fight with de Ravin, Pattinson’s character takes an elevator to his father’s 92nd-floor office on a bright September morning, looks out the window, and watches helplessly as American Airlines Flight 11 hits the building. That’s right — Robert Pattinson dies in 9/11.

You have to be fucking kidding me.  Look, I’m all for artists addressing the emotional and psychological ramifications of historical tragedies, and I’m even willing to concede that the filmmakers behind Remember Me MIGHT execute this ending in a way that is not as tasteless than it reads on paper (though let’s be clear, it’s still tasteless).  That said, I’m pretty sure there are a myriad of other ways to give your Robert Pattinson romantic drama an unexpected tear-jerker ending that has the same dramatic weight without having to shamelessly exploit a very real and still recent human tragedy in the process.  Gross.

On the flip side, though, at least we now know to stay safe indoors the weekend Remember Me is released.  You know the second some of those girls are done crying, they’re are gonna hit the streets in a blind rage and thirsty for blood.  Bitches are gonna riot.

This one’s for Robyn, by the by.

4 Responses

  1. Awesome! This made my day! Tacky use of national tragedy FTW


  2. Awesome, Awesome! The Giuliani Manuever (tacky use of a national tragedy) FTW!


  3. impressive.


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