50 Cent’s Set to Write, Produce, and Star in the Second Best Possible Things Fall Apart in Which 50 Cent Could Write, Produce, and Star

When I saw there was the headline “50 Cent to produce, write, star in ‘Things Fall Apart'” over at EW.com, my heart skipped a beat at the thought of what that would be like, but then I actually read the article:

Curtis Jackson, better known as rapper-actor 50 Cent, will co-produce, co-write, and star in a feature film titled Things Fall ApartVariety reports. Jackson will play a running back in the college-football drama, which is unrelated to Chinua Achebe’s classic 1958 novel of the same title. Mario Van Peebles has signed on to direct.

Boo.  I’m sure that there’s every possibility that a college-football drama written, produced, and starring 50 Cent has every reason to end up being just fine, but that means 50 Cent’s Things Fall Apart is going to be a sports movie, and getting me to see a sports movie is only slightly easier than getting me to watch footage of a live birth.  

Maybe it’s just me, but frankly I wish they’d gone in a different direction:

Look, I’m not saying that 50 Cent starring in his own adaptation of Chinua Achebe’s classic novel about the life of a Nigerian village’s leader from his ascent to power through the arrival of British Christian colonialists is what most people would call a good idea, but we can all agree that it would be completely awesome because that idea is totally fucking bonkers.  So when you consider that 50 Cent is the man that gave the world Pimpin’ Curly:

Anything else just feels like a missed opportunity.  

Particularly when you realize we’ll never know what it sounds like when thousands of Comp Lit grad students with no appreciation for train wrecks cry in unison.

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