Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Guide to Making Showgirls the Best Midnight Movie Ever

Sure, we’ve been over this again and again and again, but even broken records are worth repeating every once and a while:

Honestly, it’s perfect in every way, and the only problem I’ve ever had in regarding Showgirls as the crown jewel of camp cinematic masterpieces is that it’s never achieved a Rocky-Horror-Picture-Show level of midnight movie cult status.  Rocky Horror Picture Show, with its sing-a-longs and toilet-paper-throwing and audience shout-outs, embraces full-on audience participation; on the other hand, despite being 131 minutes of bare breasts and bitchery, the Showgirls audience has always struck me as relatively demure.  

Yes, seeing Showgirls on the big screen is comparable to a religious experience, so a certain amount of reverential silence is to be expected.  That, and I WILL shove a bitch down a flight of stairs if they start talking over any of that sublime Joe Eszterhas dialogue:

But Showgirls is also the sort of cinemagic that deserves more than just the knowing laughter of camp appreciation.  No no, seeing Showgirls on the big screen should be like watching Stardust Hotel’s Goddess while tripping balls on crazy pills.  So, in honor of the IFC Center screening Showgirls as this weekend’s midnight movie, here are a few suggestions on how to make your next midnight movie screening of Showgirls something extraordinary:

Nails: Besides burning when she dances and sexing people like she’s mid-seizure, Nomi Malone’s OTHER trademark is her nails, so let’s all paint our nails like Nomi:

Remember, Nomi was no slouch, so really dig deep into your inner crack-whore-turned-dancer and strive for what Cristal Conners calls “that whorey look.”  I suspect this involves nails faker than a bad tit job, a plethora of colors, and patters, Patterns, PATTERNS!  

Food: Each Showgirls snack has a specific way of being consumed.  French fries must not be eaten; you simply cover them in ketchup and then slam them down in front of you.  If you eat a hamburger, be sure to triumphantly throw the hamburger wrapper up in the air.  When you finish a bag of chips, promptly start a tickle fight.  Toast with fancy chips during the Spago scene, celebrate Nomi’s Versace dress with a burrito (or even some fajitas!), and at all times sip on Cristal’s namesake.  Or, as we’re in a recession, champagne in a can:

Oh, and last but not least: while eating dog food says you’re a hardcore fan, eating brown rice and vegetables says you might have an eating disorder.

Dancing:  Look, I know we all want to move with such fiery grace:

But given that Nomi’s a professional and midnight movies happen in movie theaters, dancing like Nomi is NOT recommended.  Someone’s liable to lose an eye, and besides, there is simply not enough room in the aisles for us to all do our piqué turns! That said, we can all do the Nomi Hands safely from our seats, so start practicing!

Blame It on Your Period: This last one may be a little tricky, but the sage wisdom of Showgirls teaches us that being on the rag is a great excuse for any occasion.  Like that time you didn’t show up for your shift at the Cheetah, or the one when you didn’t want to sleep with the Alvin Ailey dancer you really like because you don’t want him to think you’re a common tramp.  Point is, if you happen to do something embarrassing on account of a Showgirls-inspired frenzy (like piss your pants in enthusiasm, or start a slap fight with a hobo), just blame it on your period!

So there you have it.  Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s handy dandy guide to making your midnight screening of Showgirls the best midnight screening of Showgirls EVER.  Any suggestions of your own?  Leave ’em in the comments selection below!

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One Response

  1. I’m laughing too hard to make any suggestions. The brilliance of this post is that it captures the absurdity of the movie (one of my all time favorites, as you know).

    Like

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