It’s Official: Adam Lambert and Lady Gaga MUST Join Forces

I didn’t watch the American Music Awards last night because I’ve better things to do with my time, which may or may not mean whipping up an epic amount of cheese grits and an entire box of Brown ‘N Serve sausage:

That’s for me to know and you to endlessly ponder.

Anyways, apparently I’m going to have to make more of an effort to tune in to these third-tier music awards programs because the clips I’ve seen from last night’s American Music Awards are all sorts of ridamndonkulousness.  In some instances, such as Lady Gaga’s performance, I don’t really find this particularly shocking:

While I’m always delighted to see what Lady Gaga will do next, I’ve long ago accepted that it will indubitably be completely batshit insane.  As a result, I can’t say fashioning light-up tubing into something resembling the exoskeleton of the creature from Alien is her most mind-blowing achievement.  Personal preference dictates I stick with either The World’s Gayest Homage to The Warriors or this little head exploder, but I’ve gotta give her points for outfitting a violin player in pig play gear.  I really don’t know what to do with that, so snaps for the nightmare fodder.  Lady Gaga is clearly dedicated to this whole Monster thing, but not nearly as dedicated as Adam Lambert is to becoming my favorite person on Earth:

Oh shit, girl.  This performance deserves a slow clap for how bound and determined he is to destroy the innocence and eyeballs of legions of American Idol fans.  He’s taken his post-Idol success and used it to recreate the post-apocalyptic S&M number from Showgirls?  GENIUS.  I’ve already been enjoying For Your Entertainment far more than I can rationally explain or properly articulate, but this performance just seals the deal.  And that kiss that’s got everybody’s tongues wagging?

I’m not worried about the whole guy-on-guy part because duh, and also because that was less a kiss and more like Adam Lambert making like Hannibal Lecter and eating that dude’s face.   Wanton displays of homosexuality for the titillating sake of shock value are very different than wanton displays of cannibalism for the titillating sake of shock value.  Let’s get it straight, people.

But I digress.  My point is that it’s quite clear what now needs to happen: Lady Gaga and Adam Lambert must tour together.  I’m pretty certain that their combined flamboyance might be the Hadron Collider of Homosexuality, a tour capable of tearing a whole through the space/time continuum and teleporting audiences to Planet Unicorn, but is that really such a bad thing?

No, I think not.