The Only Thing More Depressing Than Scream 4 Existing Is Scream 4 Existing AND Starring Neve Campbell

It’s been a while since thought about Scream 4, and that’s largely because it pains me to know end to think about this debacle coming to fruition.  Scream was the first R-rated horror film I was ever allowed to watch.  I lost my H-card to Scream, y’all, so the thought of Courteney Cox Arquette and David Arquette being surrounded by a CW-series worthy cast of actors and calling it Scream 4 feels somewhat akin to tracking down your high-school sweetheart only to discover they’ve gotten a cheap boob-job and are turning tricks outside a Cheesecake Factory.  You want so desperately to rekindle those old feelings, but you can’t help but feeling it’s going to be sloppy and desperate.  In the end, it’s really just best to walk away and remember the good times.  So why stop with the ostrichin’?

Well, there now comes news that Neve Campbell has joined the cast of Scream 4, which is the sort of tidbit that makes me wish Tatum was still around to dole out her sassy yet sage wisdom:

scream 4 neve campbell bad idea

Seeing as she was taken out by a rather unfortunate accident involving a doggy door and an electronic garage door opener, such advice could not be counseled.  That, and she’s also a fictional character, but whatever.  Boo.

What sucks about this development (besides Neve Campbell seeing Neve Campbell get wrangled into this train wreck) is that I now have to hoist up my white flag and admit defeat/mildly percolating interest.  If I’ve sat through Three to Tango for Neve Campbell,  then it goes without saying that I’ll be sitting through Scream 4 for Neve Campbell.  Of course they’ll probably just Casey Becker her in the first 15 minutes, but shooting doesn’t start ’til next spring, so there’s still time for this not to be the worst!  Let’s discuss.

First off, maybe Kevin Williamson will eschew our assumptions as to what the new Scream trilogy will look like and write a trilogy involving the post-traumatic lives of the original trilogy’s survivors as opposed to a whole new cast of expendable teens.  It could be psychological and intelligent, more of a tightly wound thriller more than a straight up slasher.  But asking for an intelligent, adult horror film is like asking for Ryan Gosling to race in on a unicorn and whisk me away to be his manwife, so I’ll just abandon hope on that particular pipe dream.

Option two for making this good is really pretty simple.  All Kevin Williamson has to do is recall the most important lesson that we were taught by Neve Campbell’s other great contribution to cinema, Wild Things:

wild things neve campbell classy

And by “keep it classy,” I mean “don’t be afraid to exploit the cheap titillations of lesbian kissing, thereby making your movie one of the greatest and most gloriously trashy camp masterpieces of all time.”  Really, if Scream 4 can’t be actually good, then I can settle for it being Nobody-Puts-Baby-in-a-Horner’s-Seal-of-Ridiculously-Batshit-Camptasticness good.  It’s kinda the same thing when you think about it.

Most likely, though, Scream 4 will probably be more like the Friday the 13th remake, but with better dialogue peppered with cameos by cast of a far better and interesting franchise.  Conductor Neve Campbell’s stamped my ticket, so I guess it’s time to get on board the inevitable train wreck.  All aboard, y’all.  All aboard.

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