I Hear Britain’s Faggots Are Totally Delicious

Yesterday, while the rest of the nation mourned the passing of a Senator Ted Kennedy, I was in the fits of a craving even more debilitating than cookies.  This isn’t to say that I wasn’t saddened by the news or incapable of appreciating his impressive political legacy, but I have a tendency to live as though I’m the human personification of Carnie Wilson’s I’m Still Hungry, so it only makes sense that I found myself having tunnel vision the second that I began thinking about Swedish meatballs:

i want swedish meatballsAnyways, as my mind became increasingly one-tracked with the thought of those succulent morsels slathered a creamy gravy, I realized that I had absolutely no knowledge as to what made Swedish meatballs so Swedish.  I naturally turned to Wikipedia for the answers, which explains that Swedish meatballs are a mixture of ground beef and pork, along with milk-soaked breadcrumbs and chopped onions.  That’s all quite interesting, but not nearly as interesting as this:

In the United Kingdom, faggots are a type of spicy pork meatball. A faggot is traditionally made from pig heart, liver and fatty belly meat or bacon minced together, with herbs added for flavouring and sometimes breadcrumbs.

Shut up.  That’s incredible.  Seriously, this is perhaps the most incredible thing ever; or, at the least, the most mind-blowing piece of useless trivia I’ve come across in ages.

I mean, this means that a packaging like this can be a real thing you find at your grocer:

mr brains faggots

Well thank goodness!  Faggots are always better when they’re extra saucy, and thankfully nobody can misconstrue what you mean when you say that need a napkin to wipe all that faggot sauce off your face.

Still, as great as it is that such a box exists, it’s not nearly as unintentionally awesome as this ad:

Dad’s so hungry that he could put a whole faggot in his mouth right this moment (been there), Sis might be forced to cut a bitch so no one tries to steal her faggots (been there too), and Uncle Roy has a rather striking resemblance to a faggot (that one not so much).  AMAZING.  My head right now, y’all:

“More faggots, please!”  That’s what Britain said.

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4 Responses

  1. This English girl is amused. I think faggots are a nothern thing (and I’m from the South) and I’m pretty certain they are just mince (or ground beef as you call it) these days. Still northerners, esp. working class northerners, tend to eat more offal, so who knows. I’ve never seen a faggot in a supermarket or a restaurant menu in my life. At least of the meatball persuasion.

    Oh, Ben, I miss hanging out with you. We have to get together soon.

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  2. This was immensely hilarious to read, and thank you for increasing my utterly hopeless, and untreatable love of our friends across the pond.

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  3. […] to be the most fabulously flamboyant thing since the mayor of Gaytown went on a strict diet of faggots and gay cake.  Even the straightest of straight dudes will probably be squealing over this album […]

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  4. […] Well, if I hadn’t had my suspicions about Sesame Street‘s homosexual agenda before, I’d certainly be raising a well-manicured eyebrow now.  So really, it’s only a matter of time before the Westboro Baptist Church is boycotting Sesame Street, which is acceptable as an act of absurdity, but only if there’s video of some crazy accusing Elmo of being a spicy British meatball. […]

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