These Melrose Place Ads Tell Me All I Need to Know

Have you seen the print ads for this fall’s Melrose Place remake?  They’re straight-forward and to the point, and you have to applaud the marketing people at CW for not trying to advertise the show as anything more than the epically trashy shit show that it’ll indubitably be:


This poster says, “Melrose Place is about people that are prettier than you.  Prettier people that are doing it.  Some of them are in ugly shoes.  Others are allergic to shoes.  Oh, and sometimes there are old people, but they’re secondary to the young and pretty people that are doing it.”

But what about the other posters?  How much does the message stray?  Let us take a look:


“Here are some more pretty, young people,” announces this ad.  “They’re also all having sex.  But that one girl who’s straddling one guy’s leg but holding the other guy’s hand?  She might or might not be having sex with both guys.  Isn’t that trashy?  Tune in on Tuesdays at 9 to see she’s actually a tramp or if our ads are just a tease.”  Side note: I want that one guy’s vest, but I hate his pants.

Of course, not to be outdone in the class factor, there’s this poster:


“Are you still confused?,” this poster seems to inquire.  “Let’s make it clear, then: Melrose Place is about fucking.  Seriously, nothing but that.  We’d pretend there was substance, but this show is really about people with genitals that have a permanent case of wanderlust.  There might also possibly group sex, but we’re not telling.  Also: Ashlee Simpson is in our show.”  Quite frankly, I’m not sure this last part is a draw so much as a buyer beware.  

Oh, but there is one of the ads that doesn’t rely on the old “sex sells” adage:


“These women are all bitches, and one of them is also a cougar.  There will be catfights.” Simple, eloquent, compelling.  I’m sold.

So there you have it.  An ad campaign for a trashy soap based entirely around promises of sex and catfights.  Gold stars to the CW marketing staff.  Gold stars all around.

5 Responses

  1. Ben, I forgot how much I missed your thoughts until now. =)


  2. Epically trashy. I can’t wait! Until then, I will continue to enjoy the poster I pass as I walk home from the subway each day…and now, a little more so, thanks to you. 😉


  3. Vest boy is Michael Rady. He was Kostos in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and Max on the ABC Family hit series (note the sarcasm) Greek. Um… why am I a fount of useless information? Anyway… just thought you should know because I know how you like to build shrines.


  4. I can’t wait to watch this. I have to DVR it as I’m teaching Tuesday nights. But it’s on my trashy TV list for the fall. Ben, your taste is immaculate.

    I also have to admit I like Ashlee Simpson, even though I wish her parents spelled her name correctly.


  5. […] course this ad’s referring specifically to crotch humping, but we’ve already been over that clever little innuendo.  The fact is that there’s simply no reason that you shouldn’t be watching the […]


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