MonaVie Releases New Crack Drink!

Greetings from Shmarker!  It’s been awhile, fellow followers of all feats fagulous, since my last post.  I’m sorry for such a long delay (though I know I don’t have quite the following my fellow NPBiaH posters have), but I must blame my studies for such.  No, seriously. I had to sprint a session of marathon reading in order to finish Gravity’s Rainbow by my self-imposed deadline for my directed reading, followed by a fantastic trip to Washington, DC, where I took pictures in front of rockets (see, that was educational as well!) when not drinking at Brickskeller, house of 1,000 beers, followed by a brief visit with Mrs. Dalloway, who insisted on buying the flowers herself (that’s what servants are for!), then a pit stop for Three Cups of Tea with Greg Mortensen (a somewhat delightful read, but I’ll let you know more after I attend a speech he is giving my school and place of employment on Sunday), only to begin my whale watching expedition to locate Moby Dick.  So, yes, I’m a tad stressed.

And, apparently, the Diet Coke of nerd, as Shmathan so nicely called me in a comment on my last post.

But anyway, in an attempt to procrastinate on my reading, I felt compelled to tell you about the most amazing product out there: MonaVie’s energy drink.

monavie_emv

Isn’t that gorgeous looking?  And, if you look closely enough, it’s HEALTHY, too!  I mean, 170 calories in 8.4 ounces!  But, it’s made of Brazilian super fruits, and every Brazilian I’ve seen is super skinny, so it must be healthy!  Delicious, too.  It tastes like a drink my bar makes, which uses regular MonaVie and is marketed as “the world’s healthiest cocktail.”  I like to fashion myself as a connoisseur of energy drinks, as I usually consume at least three or free sugar free Red Bulls, Monsters, Rockstars, or Venoms a week.  A neighbor who sells the stuff brought these MonaVies to me.  It has replaced all other energy drinks as my favorite.  It is Just. Plain. Amazing.  As I live only a two-minute walk away from a movie theatre, I drank one before seeing Julie and Julia last night, and this is where my diatribe about the wonders of this drink really kicks off.

Drinking an energy drink before the movie?  Bad. Idea.  Or, single greatest idea EVER.  Not only was I a running commentary ala MST3K, but also I was speaking with my terrible Julia Child impression!  I kept saying how much I wanted to go to France, how fabulous Amy Adams was, how I wish Meryl Streep would adopt me as a grandchild, how I wish Chris Messina was in more movies (but was still the hottest guy Claire bedded on Six Feet Under), and how I wanted to become a chef.  To make matters worse, when I arrived home, I couldn’t stop laughing like a giddy schoolgirl and my roommate thought that I was excessively high.  I kept thinking he was judging me and, from my hollowed out perch on my couch, would throw my afghan over my head and yell, “Stop judging me!”  See?  Paranoia AND the giggles.  This stuff isn’t a drug AT ALL.

Which made me start to wonder…  What exactly is in the “Proprietary Blend” listed as the energy ingredient on MonaVie’s new energy drink?  Well, the drink gets its berries from Brazil, which is in South America, which is where much of North America’s cocaine supply comes from… holy shit!  I was drinking crack!  Or maybe liquid marijuana.  MonaVie IS a bit shady… you have to get it from a MonaVie dealer, called a “distributor.”  They advertise with a guerilla advertising campaign, with numbers on the back of car windows and such.  They have very little marketing, no commercials, and you usually have to hear about it from a friend who uses it.  Hmmm… Maybe it actually is a drug.  Maybe instead of taking ecstasy tablets before attending raves, kids will start slamming MonaVie energy drinks or doing shotguns or funnels of them.  Maybe there will be a large order of açai berries from Brazil and people will start brewing their own energy drinks in their bathtubs.  Maybe they’ll start putting them in bags and people will make their own IV drips of MonaVie (but be careful!  Don’t share needles because you don’t want communicable diseases).  Maybe people will start drinking two or three before copulating because it makes sex that much better.

But wait, this stuff is legal (for now)!  And it makes watching movies (and True Blood, as the case was last night) MUCH more enjoyable.  So, crack or not, future generations of MonaVie energy drink drug fiends or not, I must order a case.  Pronto.  And I implore all of you, NPBiaH readers, to do the same.  Why?  Cuz it just plain rocks!  And, it might keep me awake long enough to finish playing with DickMoby Dick, that is.  (Yes, bad puns are another side effect of drinking MonaVie energy drink.)

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4 Responses

  1. Hey, I said it with love, respect, and the true spirit of brotherhood 😉

    Like

  2. I WANT TO KNOW ENERGY DRINK WITHOUT CAFFEINE.

    WHAT HAVE THE 7 FRUITS MILLIGRAMS ENERGY ? HOW LONG TAKE IN ENERGY HOURS ? DOES BETTER THAN RED BULL ENEGY DRINK ?

    THANK YOU,
    CLARENCE

    Like

  3. I WANT KNOW MONAVIE ENERGY DRINK SUGAR FREE ?
    I PREFER NO SUGAR ADD.

    CLARNCE

    Like

    • Clarence,
      As we’re merely a lowly pop-culture commentary and camp humor website over here, I recommend checking out MonaVie’s official website and contacting them for your questions, but thanks for stopping by, and we hope you enjoyed your stay!

      Like

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