Yesterday, Laura reminded me that MGM is planning to remake Tobe Hooper’s (or, if you believe the rumors, Steven Speilberg’s) 1982 masterpiece, Poltergeist. We all know how I feel about that:
The Poltergeist remake is the sort of thing that I’ve been desperately trying to forget for the past several years, and I had remained quite hopeful that it would remain nothing more than baseless chatter and drafts of scripts that would ultimately languish in development for all eternity. This isn’t optimism so much as flat out denial, but I get a feeling I can’t play ostrich much longer, y’all.
As there’s no word yet from Variety, I haven’t yet been forced to slam my head against my desk in disbelief that it’s any closer to actually existing. ShockTillYouDrop.com claims that the Poltergeist remakes set to come out on Thanksgiving of 2010, and that’s more than enough for me to start bracing for impending cinematic doom. To borrow one of Shmathan’s favorite interweb meme phrases: It’s going to be a catastrophe!
I mean, how in the hell do you top this scene?
You can’t. Duh. You can’t do better than JoBeth Williams or Craig T. Nelson or Zelda Rubinstein. Jerry Goldsmith’s score is top shelf, and Tobe Hooper’s drama ratchets up the drama and thrills ’til it’s simply unbearable. Really, this scene makes me lose my shit every time in the screechiest, hand-flailingiest ways imaginable. Also, it’s simply one of the greatest false climaxes imaginable.
Whatever, though. If it’s not in Variety, I’m still going to pretend that the writers responsible for movies like Knowing are remaking one of my favorite movies. I will not try to convince myself that said fact could at least make the Poltergeist remake so batshit ridiculous that I might kind of like it if I were to see it (which we all know I will see it…IF IT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING ‘COS IT’S NOT). No, there is no Poltergeist remake, y’all. This post is just my first foray into fan fiction.
But when IF the Poltergeist remake were to happen, then DO NOT WANT. Times infinity. Obviously.
Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner 
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