Things That Should Not Exist: The LEGO Movie

Well, I’ve long suspected it, but now I’ve absolutely no doubt about it:

hollywood officially the worst

I read this morning on ComingSoon.net that there’s going to be a LEGO movie.  Yes, you read that correctly: A movie based on LEGOs.  There’s an even longer piece in Variety about it, so you just know this isn’t a nightmare from which you’ll eventually awake.

I don’t even know where to begin with this bullshit, so here are some details to make you lose faith in humanity: 

Dan and Kevin Hageman are writing the script for the family comedy that will mix live action and animation. The studio is keeping the plot tightly under wraps, but it’s described as an action adventure set in a LEGO world.

Dan Lin (upcoming Shorts and Sherlock Holmes) will produce the movie through his Lin Pictures, which is also behind a Tom and Jerry film that will put the feuding animated characters in a live-action setting.

LEGO sparked to Lin and the Hageman brothers’ embrace of core values LEGO wanted to include in a film, especially “a fun factor, creativity and that imagination has no boundaries,” Lin said.

It’s ironic because the “core values” of LEGO are apparently “creativity and…imagination,” yet a movie about LEGOs suggests that creativity and imagination are more elusive to Hollywood than orgasms were to ’50s housewives.  Mad Men taught me that.

I simply cannot understand who in the world looks at a LEGO and sees a box-office success.  Of all the lazy, stupid, money-grubbing bad ideas that Hollywood shits out on a regular basis, the LEGO movie is the new standard in proving the utter lack of respect that producers have for audiences.  A LEGO movie suggests that Hollywood doesn’t just think we’re dumb; they think we’re flat out brain dead.

I am well aware that the box office success of movies like G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen are simply part of a growing trend that includes Hasbro landing a six-picture film deal with Universal.  I’ve already blogged in disgust about the Clue remake that’s resulting from all of this.  The world certainly doesn’t need movies based on Candy Land or Ouija, but this sort of crass commercialism is what I’ve come to expect from Hollywood.  A movie based on LEGO, however, is an entirely different brand whoring train wreck. 

I don’t want to speculate on how one makes a movie about LEGO because there should be no speculation.  Nobody should be paid to make LEGO work as a movie.  NOBODY!

More so, you cannot build any sort of narrative are around toy blocks!  They’re toy blocks, and that’s that!!!   When Candy Land makes more sense as a movie then your movie, it’s pretty safe to say that your movie is too stupid of an idea to warrant existence, let alone the millions and millions of dollars that’ll be squandered on this tripe.  You have no business at making movies if you think LEGO: The Movie is something that audiences are clamoring for.

Seriously, if just the thought of your movie inspires this sort of reaction:

fakeLego1

Well, sir, then your movie truly should not exist.

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