Rejoice my friends! Open your ears and partake of my glorious news! I know, dear readers, that we live in Dark Times. The Twihard Hordes roam our lands unchecked, carrying with them the Sparkle Inquisition, demanding loyalty to their new religion and sacrificing unbelievers before shrines of Edward Cullen as they read from their Dark Tomes of Fanfic. But hope, it seems, is on the horizon. Perhaps the old divinities have strove at last to free the cowered masses from the Brooding Usurper, and now offer us the promise of salvation. For you see, I have heard my friends a call that rang out from the heavens, with the news that there will be Twilight MMORPG.
I know your fears, gentle readers. Will not the power of the Twihards grow even more? Will not a Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game allow their domination of the internet to expand still farther? Nay, friend. Calm your mind. For it is the nature of evil to turn upon itself, to indulge its rapacious appetite with such reckless abandon that it can at last only turn in upon itself. And here today, the forces of Twidom have done just that, and sown the seeds of their own destruction.
For the MMORPG is a demanding mistress, as many a wizened geek will tell you. Once begun, it cannot be cast aside lightly. It haunts your thoughts, your dreams, subordinates all desires and needs to its whims. It makes life nothing more than a pale shadow, a tortured existence as you continuously slave away to level up just once more or find that rare item or complete that hidden quest. And now the foolish Twihards have sought out its powers, seeking in their zealotry to see Twidom given form. It is a trap from whence they shall not return.
They shall come before their computers reverently, and offer their souls to the Twilight. They shall spend their days and nights wandering the pixelated dusk as vampire or werewolf, living out the dark fancies of their twisted hearts. And then they shall be as the living dead. For when the might of the MMORPG is joined with that of the Brooding Usurper, an unholy power shall rise from the depths of the abyss, and bind those caught in its web for all eternity. They shall not eat, they shall not sleep. And no more shall they go forth into the world to spread the bile of their false doctrine. The Sparkle Inquisition will fail, enmeshed by its own fanaticism. And we, dear readers, will be free.
So keep the faith, friends. Salvation is on the horizon. And there will be much rejoicing:
Your steadfast servant,
PS-The use of the Return of the Jedi: Special Edition version of the ending theme, complete with the statue of Benji’s blogging alter ego, Emperor Palpatine, being torn down is in no way meant to suggest that Shmathan believes Benji’s blog empire is crumbling or that Shmathan intends to pull a Darth Vader and toss him into a Death Star reactor. This week, anyway.