Things That Should Not Exist: This Taylor Lautner New Moon Action Figure

Logic dictates that, for a product to exist, there must be a demand.  It’s for this reason that products like the Wearable Towel or the Comfort Wipe; they may be incredibly stupid and theoretically useless, but you know that someone somewhere actually saw these products as the solution to a problem.  Necessity is, after all, the mother of invention.

That said, I’m quite aware this Taylor Lautner New Moon action figure clearly has a theoretical demand.  It comes from people called Twihards, and they will consume anything and everything related to Stephenie Meyer’s ridicu-succesful Twilight franchise.  I may not be part of that fan base, and I imagine my only enjoyment (if any, really) of the franchise would be ironic, but I’m not going to trash the fans of Twilight because we’re all allowed our own opinions and taste.  No matter how ridiculous they are.  

In spite of all of this, Twihards, you really need to calm it because we now have a thing that should not exist:

A shirtless Taylor Lautner action figure.  Awesome.  And by that, I mean uncomfortable.

I get that it’s only an action figure (one that doesn’t even look like it moves, so I guess it’s really an inaction figure), and I know that pop culture has a long history of wearing it’s pervert pants loud and proud (let us not forget that the Olsen twins countdown), but this thing is ridamndiculous.  New Moon already toes a rather uncomfortable line by pushing this whole Taylor-Lautner’s-as-object-of-your-lust-eyes thing, but devoting a meticulously detailed statuette to him is an entirely new level of shamelessly exploitative merchandising to milk money from a pop culture phenomenon.  

I’m not saying that you can’t have him as your object of lust-eyes because you can do whatever you want, but I am saying it’s difficult to forget how, unless you’re another teenager, those lust-eyes are technically statuatory-rape-eyes.  Sure, the thought police aren’t throwing anyone in jail over the a few idle thoughts, but still: He’s only seventeen, so YIKES!!!  

What about the women in their twenties and thirties I see devouring the Twilight series on the subway?  And what about the suburban cougars we call TwilightMOMS?  Is this something they’ve been clamoring for, Hollywood?  Is there really a market out there for a collectible figurine that can forever immortalize that one time you wanted your beefcake slathered in jailbait icing?  Even if there is, that doesn’t mean it should exist.  

So if this action figure if something you would actually buy, and you are not a sixteen-years-old who fancies yourself the future Mrs. (or Mr.) Lautner, then I beg you: Get a life.  The Shirtless Taylor Lautner action figure isn’t for people who are Team Jacob.  It’s for people who are Team I-Need-To-Get-Laid-So-Bad-It’s-Warped-My-Decision-Making-Skills.  Seriously.  

Oh!  And do get a Rabbit while you’re at it.  Though that one’s just a suggestion.