Things That Should Not Exist: This Taylor Lautner New Moon Action Figure

Logic dictates that, for a product to exist, there must be a demand.  It’s for this reason that products like the Wearable Towel or the Comfort Wipe; they may be incredibly stupid and theoretically useless, but you know that someone somewhere actually saw these products as the solution to a problem.  Necessity is, after all, the mother of invention.

That said, I’m quite aware this Taylor Lautner New Moon action figure clearly has a theoretical demand.  It comes from people called Twihards, and they will consume anything and everything related to Stephenie Meyer’s ridicu-succesful Twilight franchise.  I may not be part of that fan base, and I imagine my only enjoyment (if any, really) of the franchise would be ironic, but I’m not going to trash the fans of Twilight because we’re all allowed our own opinions and taste.  No matter how ridiculous they are.  

In spite of all of this, Twihards, you really need to calm it because we now have a thing that should not exist:

new moon taylor lautner action figure

A shirtless Taylor Lautner action figure.  Awesome.  And by that, I mean uncomfortable.

I get that it’s only an action figure (one that doesn’t even look like it moves, so I guess it’s really an inaction figure), and I know that pop culture has a long history of wearing it’s pervert pants loud and proud (let us not forget that the Olsen twins countdown), but this thing is ridamndiculous.  New Moon already toes a rather uncomfortable line by pushing this whole Taylor-Lautner’s-as-object-of-your-lust-eyes thing, but devoting a meticulously detailed statuette to him is an entirely new level of shamelessly exploitative merchandising to milk money from a pop culture phenomenon.  

I’m not saying that you can’t have him as your object of lust-eyes because you can do whatever you want, but I am saying it’s difficult to forget how, unless you’re another teenager, those lust-eyes are technically statuatory-rape-eyes.  Sure, the thought police aren’t throwing anyone in jail over the a few idle thoughts, but still: He’s only seventeen, so YIKES!!!  

What about the women in their twenties and thirties I see devouring the Twilight series on the subway?  And what about the suburban cougars we call TwilightMOMS?  Is this something they’ve been clamoring for, Hollywood?  Is there really a market out there for a collectible figurine that can forever immortalize that one time you wanted your beefcake slathered in jailbait icing?  Even if there is, that doesn’t mean it should exist.  

So if this action figure if something you would actually buy, and you are not a sixteen-years-old who fancies yourself the future Mrs. (or Mr.) Lautner, then I beg you: Get a life.  The Shirtless Taylor Lautner action figure isn’t for people who are Team Jacob.  It’s for people who are Team I-Need-To-Get-Laid-So-Bad-It’s-Warped-My-Decision-Making-Skills.  Seriously.  

Oh!  And do get a Rabbit while you’re at it.  Though that one’s just a suggestion.

20 Responses

  1. That doll looks just like him


    • It really does. It’s frankly a little bothersome.


  2. I like it. I am such a big fan of taylor lautner! and im 16! He is such a hottie! and i do dream of being a mrs. lautner, he is sweet nice, funny, + more ♥ im buying it.


    • i hate all the hype about new moon, and all the series… i hate mainstream and “popular things” but i still went and saw both movies. i saw new moon and frankly its an amazing plot, and well they did a great freaking job of casting the movie to make more money on their part. hes so freaking hot. ( im 17 years old, girl. lol)


      • then you’re in the clear, sarah, haha. glad you enjoyed new moon. i suspect i’ll be seeing it myself in the near future.


  3. I want that!! (im a teenaged girl, so i can lol). And for someone who hates the twilight series so much, you sure know alot about it… instead of writing about how badly other people live their life, you should consider getting one yourself. i actually feel bad for you, Your probly just a sad, gay, lonely middle aged man


    • I actually don’t hate the Twilight series, and I’m actually really intrigued by the latest trailer, and I’m most certainly not middle-aged (them’s fighting words!). This post (as with everything I write) is meant to be more tongue-in-cheek humorous than genuinely vitriolic, so I’m sorry if you didn’t see the humor in this post.


  4. I really appreciate the art work of the Taylor Lautner a.k.a. Jacob Black doll. Is this doll going to be available for the general public to buy ? I’d like to buy one myself. Who was the artist who created the doll? My kuddo’s for a job well done. Thank you.


    • According to this link, the producers of the figure are a company called NECA, and this figure is (or will be) available at Hot Topic. Hope that answers your question.


  5. OMG it looks so much like him !


  6. […] figure. And yep, you guessed it, he’s shirtless. I have to agree with fellow blogger,  Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner, when the blogger writes: “I’m not saying that you can’t have him as your object of […]


  7. Hate hate hate twilight.

    Unfortunately, Lautner is a hottie, so i now have no excuse to see him for a couple of minutes.

    Hee hee.

    But no eww, crappy plot, crappy books, crappy movies.

    You’re entitled to like it I guess but my opinion is just, eh, no.

    Who’s the target market for that doll?


  8. The only thing wrong with the shirtless Taylor figure is that it’s not a life-size creation. Now, THAT I would buy! Anatomically correct, of course–then you’d really have something to write about……….


  9. gosh your so stupid its not that big of a deal!! so get over if you were taylor you would want to have a doll of you like that. so shutup!! idoit


  10. i want it!!!!
    they should make the doll =)


  11. okay, this doll is absolutely amaizing it looks just like him! wow its almost appalling because i’ve never seen a doll resemble any celbrity this well!! oh and heres my list of things that should NOT exist:

    *people with no lifes, who make stupid lists trying to bring young HOT new celebritys down frankly get over it and if its such a big deal to you get a diary and keep those hateful stupid comments to yourself! this doll is amaizing and everyone knows it and the books are great people who say they arent just cant handle reading 4 books that big.
    ♥ Future Mrs. Lautner! ♥


  12. Taylor might think it’s awsome that they made a doll of him, but to me i think it’s kind of weird that they made a doll of him. Some people think that it’s a good a idea and they might buy one of their own but i know i wont buy one for my self sorry,but no thanks.


  13. […] If the first year of Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has taught me anything, it’s that you do NOT challenge the tastes of teenage girls with internet connections.  They will metaphorically shank you with their hastily composed comments, and each misspelled word and basic grammatical error will sting worse than a thousand paper cuts from thoroughly dog-eared copy of Breaking Dawn.  Believe me.  I know. […]


  14. nice action figure it looks like him i really thought it was him


  15. it looks like him i really thought it was him


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