So Orphan Is Pretty Much the Best Movie. Ever.

I’m not even joking, y’all.  If you haven’t already seen the instant camp/cult classic that is Orphan yet, you know what you have to do:

go see orphan

Seriously, this completely insane movie still should be reason enough for you to suddenly feign illness and catch the earliest possible showing.  This is a movie that uses a black-lit aquarium as a plot device!  And when you see what said black-lit aquarium reveals, the absolute batshit insanity of it all will make your head explode.  Twice.  And that’s just tip of the crazy iceberg.  

It has been ages and ages since we’ve seen anything so unrepentant in its ridiculousness.  Orphan has a go-for-broke, let-us-shock-the-shit-out-of-you zeal that is truly inspired.  It’s so ridiculous that it needs to come with protective glasses that keep your eyeballs from rolling out of your skull.  It’s incredibly well made, genuinely creepy, and–to be completely frank–in the worst possible taste imaginable.  And it’s so over-the-top in its bad taste that you can’t really fault it for arguably being total garbage.  I’d like to be more articulate, but I’m honestly still trying to digest it.  Having your head explode 37 separate times during a movie tends to do that to you.  That, and you really can’t discuss Orphan‘s sublime pleasures without spoiling the living hell out of it.

Still, allow me to tantalize you with the following decontextualized phrases:

  • Vera Farmiga on the Hysterics Express.  
  • Isabelle Fuhrman, while adorable, is not here to make friends.  And by “here,” I mean starring in Orphan.
  • Multiple verbal bitchslaps.
  • One literal bitchslap.
  • Exploding pigeon.  
  • The most frightening red lipstick since Black Narcissus.

Oh, and in case you were curious, the spoiler is true.  Impressively enough, it’s one of the more rational moments in a feast of twisted absurdities.  

So what are you waiting for?  Go see Orphan, and we’ll discuss later in the week once I’ve finally put my head back together from all those damn explosions, which by then I’ll have written a proper review.    But be sure to come prepared:

magic eraser

They’re for the head explosions.  Duh.

7 Responses

  1. I’ve heard a lot of surprisingly good buzz surrounding “Orphan.” And it DOES make use of the my favorite scary movie convention: pale white kids with dark hair and piercing eyes. It’s been awhile since I saw a horror movie that had “go-for-broke, let-us-shock-the-shit-out-of-you zeal” going for it, so I’ll have to check it out.

    M. Carter at the Movies


    • In that case, I think you just might love Orphan. It’s incredibly trashy without actually being trash, which is an impressive feat. I can’t recommend it enough.


  2. […] going to trash the fans of Twilight because we’re all allowed our own opinions and taste.  No matter how ridiculous they are. […]


  3. Ben, you’re just absolutely fabulous! Just love your blog! Please don’t you ever dare to stop!


  4. Go see this flick!! There’s a twist (don’t look up what it is) that is the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen in a movie and I didn’t see it coming at all…totally HILARIOUS!


    • I actually knew the spoiler going into the movie, and it frankly added to the experience. The utter ridiculousness of the twist simply makes the movie more of a black comedy, albeit one that’s sufficiently creepy enough to be a horror movie. So agreed: Everyone must see this movie. At least twice.


  5. Nice blog! I wrote a review on Orphan on my blog. Check it out.


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