I’m Already Underwhelmed by the Nightmare on Elm Street Remake

It’s Friday.  Barely anybody’s in the office at work on account of summer Friday, and the phones are hardly ringing for the very same reason.  Added to that, I’ve already gorged on McDonald’s for breakfast, and I plan on devouring a Cosi tuna melt for lunch.  Oh, and the highly anticipated  (by me) ridicufest that is Orphan is out today.  You would think that, what with this perfect storm of things that make me happy, I could put my bitchery stew on the back burner for a day.  Hahahaha, NEVER.  The bitchery stew never stops cooking, y’all.  Somedays it’s just spicier than others.

That all said, I must admit that my initial fury of the Nightmare on Elm Street remake has lessened as I’ve come to accept three things: This remake is going to happen no matter how much I detest its existence, Jackie Earle Haley is pretty much the best person to play Freddy Kruger, and I’m going to end up seeing this movie no matter how bad the reviews are.  I simply can’t be bothered to learn from my mistakes.  

And at long last, the first image of Haley’s Freddy Kruger has finally wandered its way onto the internet, but you know what?  Meh:

nightmare on meh street

I really want to be enthusiastic about because this movie doesn’t have to suck.  Hell, done right, it’s entirely possible it could be good!  But this doesn’t really look good.  Don’t get me wrong, Jackie Earle Haley will probably be a great Freddy Krueger, but I personally feel that the iconic look of the striped sweater and fedora belong to Robert Englund.  As far as I’m concerned, if you’re going to replace him, you need to reinvent the look as well.  

I’m not saying Hollywood needs to abandon the whole look and start from scratch, but this feels entirely too safe.  It doesn’t look like Jackie Earle Haley is creating a new Freddy Krueger; it just looks like he’s dressing up for Halloween in an outfit he borrowed from Robert Englund.  I get that hoping for a little artistic originality from a remake, let alone a remake produced by Michael Bay, is a foolish hope; nevertheless, I was at least expecting something a little more imaginative and a little less like a shoddy bootleg of the original.  Something, in short, like this:


elm street oprhan

Now that is how you reinvent an iconographic villain.  With terrible Photoshop skills and little girls capable of monstrous evil.    

Duh, Hollywood.  Don’t you know anything about movies?

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2 Responses

  1. hahahahaha! I want to see your version of the movie!

    Like

  2. […] in the past been a little harsh when it comes to the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Okay, I’ve definitely been really harsh.  But whatever.  I can’t help myself.  I’m inclined to be protective of the horror […]

    Like

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