Nothing Gets Done When You’re Craving Cookies

Faithful readers and fresh-off-the-blog-boaters, I must be honest: I’ve got a problem.  No, it’s not a love for the Sauce, nor is it for anything that could snorted (thank goodness) or shot into my veins (absolutely not).  No no, I’ve got a different sort of problem, and that problem’s name is Cookies.

cookie monster c'est moi

Really, if you put any form, no matter the shape, consistency, texture, or list of ingredients in front of me, I will snatch that shit away from you quicker than you can blink.  The only answer I know to the question “Would you like a cookie?” is “I’ll take three.”  The only  response I have to “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re out” is “BAKE MORE, WHORES!!!”  

When I’m not eating cookies, I’m thinking about eating cookies.  Seriously, I can’t even blog sometimes because all I’d would write would be this:

COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE.

Even I don’t even find that compelling, and I’m the one thinking about pecan sandies at this very moment.  

And even when I am eating cookies, I’m thinking about eating other types of cookies, which I guess is sorta like imagining having sex with someone other than the person you’re having sex with, except I’m thinking about Double Stuf Oreos instead of Ryan Gosling.  It’s a problem, y’all.  

Now I know you probably think I’m totally making this up and that Cookie Addiction, like modern art and women’s rights, is just some bogus joke perpetrated by the bourgeois liberal elite.  Trust me, y’all, it’s a real problem, and it will destroy your family.  Just look at how it can ravage the mind:

The feeling that you’ll never be happy again?  The inability to control the volume of one’s voice?  The jazz hands?  Those are all textbook symptoms of Cooking Addiction.  Knowing these signs could save the life of a friend or loved one.  The intervention may be painful, but it’s always necessary when facing the debilitating demons of Cookie Addiction.

I, on the other, plan on having a relapse in 3, 2, YUM.  But who could it be to tempt me with such deliciousness?

red-velvet-cookies link

Of course it’d be Paula Deen to throw my ass off the wagon.  I wouldn’t want it any other way.

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One Response

  1. […] the rest of the nation mourned the passing of a Senator Ted Kennedy, I was in the fits of a craving even more debilitating than cookies.  This isn’t to say that I wasn’t saddened by the news or incapable of appreciating […]

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