Oh Look, a Poster for a Movie I’ll Probably Never See

Traditionally, teaser posters that come out nearly an entire year before their film’s release try to do what their name would imply, which is, you know, TEASE.  For example, that fabulous teaser poster for Cloverfield:

cloverfield teasiest poster

They don’t even give you a title, that’s how much they want to intrigue you with the delicious mysteriousness of it all.  And you know what?  As teaser posters go, that one teased me all the way into the movie theater!  Great job, J.J. Abrams and company.  Your posters never fail to work me into a frothing nerd frenzy.  I suppose it’s just my cross to bear.

Anyways, there’s a teaser poster now on the internet for next May’s Prince of Persia:The Sands of Time.  I know, I know, it’s TEN WHOLE MONTHS ’til it comes out, but I had to share it because it’s already tantalizing me with the prospect of avoiding the hell out of it:

prince of persia no thanks

TANTALIZED.

Admittedly, the first issue with this movie isn’t the poster itself so much as the fact that this is an adaptation of a video game.  Hollywood, I’ve seen the first two Resident Evil movies.  I’ve seen both Mortal Kombat movies.  Hell, I’ve even seen Super Mario Bros., and I desperately tried to convince myself that Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within wasn’t just pretty CGI incapable of masking it’s painfully insipid sci-fi story!   If there’s one thing those six bad life choices represent, it’s my inability to learn from my past mistakes and recognize that video games quite simply don’t successfully adapt to film, but I won’t be making a seventh bad choice with Prince of Persia: Sands of Time.  No no, I’d prefer to save that mistake for Burger Time: The Movie, thank you very much.

Then, there’s issue of casting Jake Gyllenhaal.  He’s plenty easy on the eyes when he’s not sporting the world’s dirtiest busted weave, but this look is giving me the anti-vapors.  And let’s not forget that whole issue of trying to pass the profoundly white Mr. Gyllenhaal as a prince of Persia.  Ermm, huh?  I’m sure that Hollywood, with its incredibly progressive racial politics, had probably already hired all of its Middle Eastern actors for more important roles in even bigger franchises, but would it pain them to at least find someone that didn’t look so anti-ethnic?  Particularly when the biggest, boldest word on your ugly poster in that truly shiteous font is Persia.  

Oh, and the Walt Disney font sticks out like a gangrenous thumb.  Just sayin’.

Whatever, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.  Something (aka, your awful poster trying to sell your movie TEN MONTHS before your release) tells me that you’ve already got box-office bomb written all over you, but irregardless: To the top of the list with you!

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