Benjamin’s Hard Hitting Questions: Which X-Man Would You Be?

Well, it seems that the nerd dams have burst ever since I’ve let Shmathan and Sharker contribute to the blog, but you won’t find me complaining.  Frankly, when there’s a party, I’m always inclined to join.  And, to be frank, nerd parties are something of which I know all too well.

In my youth, I could frequently be found pouring over comic books in my bedroom like a nerd boy in heat.  My tastes, admittedly, always ran a little queer: Obvious titles in the Marvel canon were always overtook by the more random and obscure ends of the Marvel universe.  I cut my comic book teeth on the parody series What The–?!Sleepwalker was my favorite title, and I gravitated to Generation X and the inspired artistry of Chris Bachalo over any other X spinoff.   These things happen.

Nevertheless, these colors don’t run and blahblahblah, so I’d be lying by omission if I didn’t admit to being a Marvel nerd.  Always have, and always will.  That was my closet, and here is my exit:


Trust me, the pink-letter editorialization merely obscures the beauty.  Enjoy, and let’s move on.

Anyways, all (nerd) things considered, this brings us to the real and most important question to ever be blogged: WHICH X-MAN WOULD YOU BE?  It’s deceptively simple to ask, but terribly complicated to answer.

For example, if you were Cyclops, you could accessorize in the most fabulous of ways:

cyclops chic

As Scott Summers can attest, ruby quartz glasses are never not in style, but do you really want to have those pesky optic blasts as well?  I’m all for seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses, but you’d be a nightmare wherever you go.  Seriously, being Cyclops is all fun and games until your laser eyes zap off someone’s limb.  Or you blow-up a building while trying to brush away an eyelash.  Or you ruin a Monet at the MoMA while trying to take a closer look.  When you think about it, being Cyclops would kinda make you the worst.

Then again, you could be the ultimate X-diva, Phoenix:

dark_phoenix fierce

On one hand, you’d be the fiercest and most powerful bitch in town.  Or in the galaxy.  Or wherever.  On the other hand, you’d have that damn evil personality issue.  And Brett Ratner would invariably fuck everything up when he brings you to the big screen.  He’s got sausage fingers behind the camera like that.

And when you think about it some more, some mutant powers are flat out gaudy:

angel girlfriend

I’m not saying that Angel’s mutant power is gay, but I’m not going to even attempt to argue that it’s even remotely heterosexual in a Kinsey scale sort of way.  Or any sort of way, for that matter.  Angel’s wings, like the filmography of Barbara Streisand or a penchant for jazz hands, are just inherently gay.  You can’t really get around it.

I could go on and on and on, but I’ll keep my nerdiness in check.  For my money, there’s only one truly functional mutant power:

That’s right: Nightcrawler.  Every time you miss just miss that train as it pulls out of the subway station, you could *BAMF!* yourself into that train and not have to suffer the indignities of actually waiting on public transportation.  Call me impatient, but having the G train play a part of your commute teaches you a thing or two about the MTA, which is namely that it’s ass.  I’m sure that telepathy has its thrills, and telekinesis would be great for not having to get up off your lazy ass when you want a bag of potato chips, but I want to teleport, damnit!  I’ll pass on the blue skin and the tail, obviously, but it’d be quite lovely to no longer have to curse the A train every time it pulls out of Hoyt-Schermerhorn right as the G comes to a stop.  

Of course, that’s just my two (nerd) cents.  Which X-Man (or Woman, or Tranny; feel free to take your gender pick) would you be?  These are hard hitting questions, y’all, and they deserve hard hitting answers!  So answer, by golly!!!

6 Responses

  1. Like there was ever any doubt? I am so Phoenix, right down to the anger management issues.


  2. I’ve always been partial to Cyclops. He was my first gay crush! (Yes, the cartoon from the ’90s, which I SO totally own on DVD now that vol. 1 and 2 are out!) But, really, he has it all. A great physique without being too much of a beefcake, a great military sensibility and prowess, an almost unwavering moral compass (until Grant Morrisson decided to make him an adulterer), and a love for all things psychic (Jean Grey, Madeline Pryor, and Emma Frost). Also, the women he dates/marries always turn evil in one way or another. When will he ever start putting the moves on Psylocke? Prehaps now, since he is no longer sleeping in the same bed as Emma (well, ESPECIALLY now that she is wearing BLACK and leader of the DARK X-MEN), he can finally move on to the lovely Ms. Braddock, only lovelier because of her body-swap. And, hey, she is no longer exiled to the once brilliant but now completely recycled story-telling of Chris Claremont.

    However, if I were Cyclops, would that mean that Shmathan and I would have an on again, off again marriage, depending on his status as a living being and my fickle psychic fetish? It’s not that I’d necessarily mind, except that I’d fear his fiery fierceness and ability to be so hungry, he could EAT AN ENTIRE GALAXY!

    At least you, as Nightcrawler, would be married to the cloth. And by cloth, I mean Jesus. Who is clearly the superhero you’d WANT to be.


    • Parker, you forgot that waaaay back during the whole Psylocke/Revanche storyline, or just prior, Scott began having fantasies/seductive notions about her. Though it latter turned out to be because the part of Psylocke’s mind that came from Kwannon was subconsciously using her psi powers to make him lust after her.


    • And you might recall, a la X-Men 154, that after ascending to White Phoenix of the Crown, Jean psychically commanded Scott to go to Emma, to ensure that she would heal is broken heart, enabling him to continue leading the X-Men despite her death. Therefore, I would not only condone but actively encourage your psychic fickleness.

      Plus, I’m done eating galaxies. To many empty calories. My thirst for chaos remains unabated however.


      • True. I just love Jean Grey, and if I were to be Cyclops, I’d only have eyes (no pun intended) for her. Cuz, you know, I’d be uber straight.


  3. Male Phoenix…I have the Costume and Everything.


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