GDI…now I’m actually going to have to see “New Moon”

By Shmathan…

My general disdain for Twilight is well known.  However, there is such a thing as an irresistible force, a force so great that it overcomes anything that stands in its way.  In this case, such a force exists in the form of a compulsion brought on by the confluence of my gaiety and geekery.  One against which even my antipathy toward Stephanie Meyer cannot stand…

Let me start at the beginning, which falls far outside the Twilight universe  and exists in the rosy years of childhood.  When I was but a mischievous little  homo-to-be of 8 years old, I began to collect comic books, Marvel comics specifically.  I began with the basics.  Spiderman. Avengers. Fantastic Four.  And, of course, the X-Men.  The year was 1991.  That magical year when Chris Claremont and Jim Lee launched the 3rd Age of the X-Men by launching the new X-Men series, which would run concurrently with the long-running Uncanny X-Men title.  The former would feature the adventures of the “Blue” team (Cyclops, Beast, Wolverine, Gambit, Psylocke, and Rogue) while the latter would feature the exploits of the “Gold” team (Storm, Jean Grey, Colossus, Archangel, Iceman).  I was hooked, and read both series religiously.  I also began seeking out the stories of the thirties years prior, and as I delved into the history of the Mutant Team Supreme, I noticed something just a little bit odd.

Like any afficionado, I quickly settled upon favorite characters.  First and foremost was Jean Grey.  Marvel Girl. Phoenix.  Quite possibly one of the greatest comic book creations ever (but more on that later).  Secondly, and perhaps even more important, was Colossus.


I was drawn to him.  There was just something intriguing about that raven-haired, blue-eyed, 6’4” mountain of muscle whose mammoth strength was tempered by a gentle nature and an artistic temperament.  At the time, I didn’t think much of it.  In hindsight, it was obviously the first stirrings of what would later become my weakness for/attraction to men who could bench press me.  Unfortunately, 16 years, nearly six feet and 180 pounds later, that list is relatively few…but I digress.  Colossus embodied my ideal man, if only on paper.

But then a wondrous, glorious thing happened.  I speak of course, of X2.  That masterpiece of cinematic translation of a comic.  I could gush for days on the story, the invocation of the mythology, the action, the performances…but instead, I will speak only of him


Daniel Cudmore.  Light of my life, fire of my loins (sorry, couldn’t resist the Nabokov).   The man who brought Colossus into life.  From the moment I laid eyes on him, I fell in love.  Even if he was in only two scenes and had three lines of dialog (the greatest failure of X2 was that he had so little screen time; and the absolute failure of X3…well…the less said of that the better), I was his devoted admirer for all eternity.  For how can one not adore 6 feet, 8 inches of heroic hotness?


I was reminded of that adoration last night.  With the New York bar examination only two weeks away, I, like many other aspiring lawyers-to-be, am feeling somewhat stressed.  And by somewhat, I mean that I repeatedly had the following recurring thought: “My, isn’t convenient it that the bay window of my Financial District high rise apartment opens to a height that would easily allow a 5’11” man to leap to a permanent escape from the Rule Against Perpetuities?”  Needless to say, my mind was troubled, and sleep would not come.  So I sat down to while away the midnight hours, and decided to catch up on some old favorites.  One of which, was X2.  The sight of my beloved restored my spirits, and made me yearn  to see more of him.  And I thought to myself, “What is my dear Daniel up to?”  A quick trip to delivered some shocking news.

Mr. Cudmore is to appear as a character named “Felix” in the upcoming sequel to Twilight, entitled New Moon.  Now while many of the gays are excited by the prospect of Taylor Lautner, he never held any appeal for me.  Too scrawny.  Not to mention the fact that he’s an ultrasound (i.e. at 17 he’s waaay too young to be an object of attraction).  But Daniel.  Oh Daniel.  My shock was great.  I may or may not have swooned as I cried, “My only love sprung from my only hate!”  But I recovered, and settled on a decision.  If love is “an ever-fixed mark/ That looks upon tempests and is never shaken,” then I would do the unthinkable.  I would set aside both my literary snobbery and my geeky elitism, and stoop to the lowest, most debasing act I can think of:  I would see New Moon.  For you Daniel, only for you.

Perhaps, someday, I will receive a recompense for this sacrifice.  Perhaps, you are out there right now, oh Daniel, having stumbled upon our humble blog, having found this testament to my eternal devotion.  Know that my affections are undying and unshakeable, in my heart you shall never have a rival.  And if that’s not enough.  Well, I’m an Ivy-league law graduate with excellent earning potential who works out 5 times a week, knows his way around the kitchen and has other special skills/attributes that cannot be mentioned here in good taste.  A guy could do worse, just sayin’.

But until that Someday…


5 Responses

  1. Oh Schmathan! I, too, shall have a blog post soon on this site! I just wrote it, and will send when our friend is back from the Hamptons!


  2. Okay, yes, I LOVE me some Daniel Cudmore. Can he and Iceman (I forget which Ashmore that is) come to the beach when you come visit me next month? Oh, yes, I AM holding you to that! You can help me decorate my office on campus!


  3. […]  I go away for one extended weekend and suddenly this blog’s gone to shenanigans!  Shmathan’s stripping down and getting the vapors over some sort of beefcake (I must admit that I’m partial to Red Velvet, so he can have at that), Shmarker lost his […]


  4. […] FUCK THIS! I did not sign on for fast zombies!!!“  While my love of zombies perhaps does not quite equal my love for Daniel Cudmore, it runs firmly and deep–just as a deep as my adoration for a certain Ms. […]


  5. […] of my personality come together in celebration of life’s grandest things.  Whether it be my comic book inspired love of Daniel Cudmore, or my adoration of Jane Austen and Zombies, gay geekery has brought many wonderful things into my […]


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