Damnit, Gossip Girl! How Did You Know That Hilary Duff’s My Kryptonite?

Really, for no fathomable reason whatsoever, I’ve loved Hilary Duff ever since the summer I worked at Media Play and this video played on loop ALL DAMN THE TIME:

Is that a rhetorical question?  I don’t have the answer to such an existential question, Duff Duff!  Perhaps I’m crippled by a constant fear of stepping out of my comfort zone and encountering failure?  Maybe I just prefer color yellow over gold?  Really, I can’t say!  HELP ME UNDERSTAND!!!

Anyways, much to my utter (and utterly gay) delight, it’s being reported that Hilary Duff’ll be joining Gossip Girl this fall:

Duff, 21, will play a movie star named Olivia Burke who enrolls at NYU in search of a traditional, out-of-the-spotlight college experience. She will be roommates with Vanessa (played by Jessica Szohr).

Duff will first appear on the hit CW show during next season’s fourth episode, scheduled to air Oct. 5.

I can’t wait for this!  Really, this news is absolutely fabulous in so many different ways.  It means that Vanessa and her terribly styled “hipster” look will finally stop being relegated to selling us Dove soap during commercial breaks, which is nice because I really like her as a character even though the show never seems to know what the hell to do with her (except for disappearing to sell soap).  

This also means that Vanessa’s holier-than-thou-‘cos-I’m-from-Brooklyn attitude is now going to have a head on collision with a bona fide celebrity.  I smell GG catfight!  We’re going to see her turn up her knows so high that we’ll be able to count her boogers, but then of course Vanessa and the Duffster will become besties two scenes after their conflict is established because the narrative slow-burn is an art completely lost on the Gossip Girl writers.  Whatever.

Mostly, though, there’s something greater and infinitely more important that this news means, and do you want to know what it is?

It means The Story of Bonnie and Clyde will have to wait in development hell a little bit longer!  Hahaha, most ill-conceived of movie ideas EVER, you’re just going to have to wait ’til Hilary Duff’s story arc is over!  If need be, I’ll start an online petition determined to extend her storyline, as well as getting the girl her very own spin-off show, which should definitely be titled Rumor-Mongering Famous Bitch (it’s a title that just rolls off the tongue, n’est-ce pas?).  Frankly, I’ll only have to get one name to sign the petition, and that name is Faye Dunaway.  

Once those writers seen she’s aboard the project, they’ll be fast-tracking that show into production like it’s pure television gold.  Which it will be.  Obviously.  After all, would you really want to mess with this ferociousness?

faye dunaway joan crawford

Thought so.

Kudos to Best Week Ever for picking up on Us Magazine’s scoop.

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2 Responses

  1. I’m totally aboard with you on both points, Ben. I have a curious fascination with Hilary Duff, although it doesn’t rival my love for Mandy Moore and Mary Kate Olsen.

    How did Faye Dunaway morph from Bonnie and Clyde beauty (albeit with strange teeth) to this ersatz Joan? I know she’s fading as early as Network, but did you ever see her on that acting UPN reality contest show about four years ago? I know we share tastes when it comes to trash.

    But yes, Hilary Duff on GG. Excellent. And, yes, they’ve needed to do something with Vanessa since they realized she didn’t work as the slightly bitchy rival for Dan’s affections. I do like her as a possible girlfriend for Nate, however. And that doesn’t even consider how this allows Blair and Chuck to be together.

    Like

    • I mean, her decline can only be a combination of bad aging and even worse cosmetic surgery. Added to that, she seems to have a rather nasty attitude in interviews these days, as if interviewers should be lucky to be in the presence of a faded starlet of a by-gone era. That said, I find it ludicrous that Hilary Duff is by any means considered her successor. She’s a lovely girl, but she’s by no means classic Faye.

      I also think this casting news has me officially excited as to what could happen next season in Gossip Girl. I think they may actually break the curse and transition the cast to college in a way that doesn’t jump the shark. That, and I love the fact that Hilary Duff’s essentially cast as an Olsen twin. Let’s hope they don’t try to make her character Lizzie McGuire wholesome.

      And, let’s be honest, there’s no greater love than Mandy Moore love. I’ll never in a million years be able to justify having seen Chasing Liberty, but I’ve seen it all the same.

      Like

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