Someone Call PETA: Vampires Are The Latest Endangered Species!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you the following public service announcement

Now, while I really do not want to be shanked by a Twihard, I must admit that I am a man of simple tastes. I like my beers cold, my Abercrombie models shirtless… and my Vampires to be seductive monsters whose dusty deaths by the hand of a perky heroine teach us valuable lessons about female empowerment. I have personally had enough of waifish pretty-boy Vampires strolling in the sunlight and waxing idiotic as they brood over the torturous nature of their violent and immortal existence.  And don’t get me started on the sparkling. It’s times like this, indeed, that I not only have no commitment to Sparkle Motion, I actively defy it. Consequently, I feel I must voice my alarm at the announcement that the CW, though it has brought us such guilty pleasures as Gossip Girl and Supernatural, is making its own sad bid to perpetuate and profit from the madness wrought by Stephanie Meyer . Obviously hoping to capitalize on the enthusiasm surrounding Twilight, the CW has announced that it has greenlit production on “Th Vampire Diaries,” which is apparently a small-screen adaptation of a lesser-known young adult romance series by the same name. The announcement caused a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of Twihards cried out in joy—and then were suddenly silenced as they rushed to a sale on body glitter at Hot Topic.

The plot, as described on the CW’s website, is what you would expect. Beautiful girl meets mysterious brooding boy, only to find out he’s a centuries old-Vampire burdened by his impossible existence. Ladies and gentleman, this is a catastrophe. Remember the days when Vampires were actually cool? The mythic personification of all our darkest fears? Symbols of the dangers of repressed sexuality given form? Literary representations of parasitic nobility feeding off the lifeblood of the common man? And now, today, reduced to mere objects of impossible love to cater to tweens and menopausal housewives. The fact that these books are warping an entire generation of girls with their ridiculous depiction of socio-sexual relationships aside, books like Twilight and Diaries are guilty of the more serious crime of making Vampires, well, lame.

True Blood and that shining exemplar of television, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, amply demonstrate that Vampires are at their best when they a feral creatures of the night. True Blood’s Bill Compton (who is really no more than an older Edward Cullen with even worse hair) seems little more than an impotent whining dog compared to his Vampiric brethren, who revel in their immortality and have built a fascinating (to watch) subculture around violence and sexual domination. Buffy’s Angel was never more interesting than in season two, when freed of the curse that returned his human soul. His character was most compelling as a sadistic monster driven by his twisted love and obsession with the slayer as he systematically sought to destroy her. And in the same series, the character Spike went from being the badass William the Bloody to just another bleach-blonded Billy Idol impersonator when he reclaimed his soul.

Ladies and gentleman, there is a plague at work, a plague whose nefarious touch turns the dark seductive masters of the night into pretty-boy emo whiners with all the sex appeal of the Westside YMCA showers after a senior citizens’ water aerobics class. Vampires as I know and love them have become an endangered species, their numbers dwindling. And if the Vampires fall, what then? Who will be next to fall prey to the sugar-coated fantasies of sexually repressed post- adolescents? Zombies? And Werewolves are at an immediate risk, thanks once again Stephanie Meyer!   Something must be done to contain the spread of this vile plague. We must take action. Here and now, I announce the formation of “The Save the Vampires” campaign. Join me, and we shall restore these noble beasts to their proper state.

And, while we’re at it, let’s give Twilight a proper ending…



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One Response

  1. Where do I sign up for the campaign?


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