Things That Should Not Exist: This “Slut Barbie” YouTube Video

I can wrap my head around a lot of things.  Like this Barbie, for example:

black_canary_barbie.jpg

Black Canary is a DC superhero, so a Barbie for nerds makes sense, but I’d rather pretend that this is actually an homage to Marianne Faithfull in The Girl on a Motorcycle.  Whatever works.

I can also understand the below video’s existence insofar as I guess it’s a relatively normal thing to make Barbies have sex.  It’s a rather harmless way of exploring sexual relations and identity in your developmental years.  Puberty, with all its changes and urges and general confusion, is a total bitch; so if making your Barbies have sex is a safe and comfortable way to make sense of your burgeoning sexuality, then by all means go right ahead.

Nevertheless, this isn’t that sort of thing.

This is a full on six-minute narrative, replete with duplicitous behavior, man whoring, and catfights.  The unprecedented levels of batshit insanity surrounding this video’s very existence will blow your mind on multiple occasions, but it’s nevertheless totally worth watching.  “Slut Barbie” is very much real, debatably not safe for work, and absolutely profound.  PREPARE YOURSELF:

HUH???  Are these girls like 11 or something?  Why is there such an impressive display of effort and tweenage directorial vision involved in telling a story that’s one part late-night Cinemax and one part afternoon soap opera?  Do these girls even know what sex is?  Where are their parents?  WHERE ON EARTH ARE THEIR PARENTS???  Seriously, if I ever made a video like this, let alone put this up on the internet for all to see, my parents would’ve grounded my ass faster than my b-line to the crab rangoon at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.  

I must admit that the “plot” is curiously compelling in a tawdry sort of way, some of the shots are impressively set up, that line about the teeth is so completely from left field that it’s borderline Brechtian, and the execution of the Barbie sex is nothing short of tweenage batshit insane genius.  I can’t help but think these girls need to get themselves to film school to hone there craft and finally make the much-needed Showgirls 2: Younger & Hungrier, but these girls will also forever be the girls who made a 6 minute video that’s the Barbie equivalent of The Red Shoe Diaries.  That fact will haunt you for forever.

True story*: I once met the guy responsible for “G.I. Joe’s Bicurious Barracks.”  He coulda been a contender, but now he’s giving palm jobs in Alphabet City just to get by.  Really, girls, do you want that as your future?  

No, no you do not.

*Not a true story.  “G.I. Joe’s Bicurious Barracks” doesn’t even exist.  Then again, if “Slut Barbie” exists, I’m probably wrong.  So very wrong.

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