When the Monster Demands a Mate, She’d Better Be Sexy!

No sooner than you could say “I bet you the Frankenstein monster just loves himself some foxy boxing,” my friend Sarah came across a bit of Hollywood casting gossip that seems to suggest that this whole Bride of Frankenstein remake might be more screwed than we think.  The producers are aiming to cast someone along the lines of Scarlett Johansson or Anne Hathaway, which is the sort of shit they always say, but still, yeesh.  I’m saying nothing against either’s talent or beauty, but be more creative, Hollywood!  This is what you’re trying to recreate:

You’re remaking an indisputable masterpiece and reenvisioning one of the most iconic characters in horror, and the best you  can think of is Anne Hathaway or Scarlett Johansson?  Ugh!  That’s the sort of braintrust brilliance we’ve got funding this movie?  Egads, it’s time to upgrade the Bad Idea Alert to DEFCON Dreadful!

The real kicker, though, is the source for this buzz, aka, the ever trustworthy New York Post, which reports:

BRIAN Grazer is remaking “The Bride of Frankenstein,” but this time, the female monster is going to be a babe. “She’ll be young. They’re looking for a person with great power and sex appeal,” a Hollywood insider told us. “Someone along the lines of Scarlett Johansson or Anne Hathaway.” In the 1935 original, the frizzy-haired bride was played by bug-eyed English actress Elsa Lanchester. The new Universal Pictures/Imagine Entertainment version, first disclosed by The Hollywood Reporter, will be helmed and co-scripted by Neil Burger, who wrote and directed “The Illusionist.”

Really?  REALLY???  The totally unwarranted jab at Elsa Lanchester’s appearance is trashy and gross, but the New York Post is trashy and gross, so that’s not shocking.  Par for the course, if anything.  But there’s still plenty to take issue with.

For starters, if this quote’s based in fact as opposed to the sort of nonsensical, buzz-grabbing lies usually associated with nameless “Hollywood insiders,” then this movie’s fucked.  How is the Bride supposed to have “great power and sex appeal”?  Are they rebooting Bride of Frankenstein as a super-hero/horror franchise with a playful dash of necrophilia to keep it interesting?  Knowing my luck they’ll cast Megan Fox, which would be completely great.  And by great, I mean an unmitigated disaster.

Worse still?  That quote is so profoundly depressing and gross that it could only have come from someone circling this remake’s vortex of suck.  So this isn’t just a bad rumored idea, but a bad real idea.  UGH!!!  Order a round of 😦 on me, Hollywood; you’ve worked long and hard, so I think you deserve it.      

I sincerely hope that Hollywood spends some serious time and effort trying to make this into a movie that respects its source material as opposed to completely shitting all over it.  Hell, I even bothered to save you the trouble of coming up with a print campaign so you can solve the real problems this production might have ahead.  Like the fact that it exists.  Behold, Hollywood, your Bride of Frankenstein remake one-sheet:

sexy bride of frankenstein

No need to thank me.  You’re welcome.

And cheers to Sara for the tip and the clip.

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