Gabe and Max Make Me Want a Bloomin’ Onion

Maybe I’m carrying twins, or maybe it’s just a tapeworm, but I’ve been craving me some greasy-ass food today like the life of my unborn fake babies depended on it.    I’ve got an urge to gulp down country gravy like it’s a glass of water and add six slices of bacon to anything that’s remotely edible.  Seriously, I’d eat garbage, literal garbage, if it was deep fried.  It’s a problem.

Needless to say, the new Gabe and Max’s Guide to Man Style video ain’t helping my situation:

I should be prattling on about how dreamy Gabe is.  It may be old hat, but it’s always fashionable.  Instead of talking about that deliciousness, though, I’m fixated on that damn Bloomin’ Onion.  Really, look at this battered-and-deep-fried hotness:

bloomin onion

Sweet mercy, it’s delectable nature is taunting me, and at gimungo resolution, I’m a freakin’ Pavlovian hot mess.  I get that the Bloomin’ Onion is shot in such a way that it’s supposed to be comically grotesque, but it’s not working.  At all.  I just keep thinking about the ghastly calorie and sodium levels and the inevitable stomachache that eating an entire Bloomin’ Onion would cause, and then I just wish it was in front of me.  Right now.  Sure, Outback claims the Bloomin’ Onion serves six, but my fake unborn babies will totally help pick up the slack.

Besides, Bloomin’ Onions don’t involve women, so there’s always room for an extra five servings.

As always, air kisses to Videogum.

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5 Responses

  1. I’m amazed your culinary tunnel vision was so intense it allowed you to pass on commentary concerning all the blatant homoeroticism.

    Like

    • That’s like blogging about the sky being blue. And besides, it’s ultimately a cruel taunt, so I might as well just focus on eating my feelings.

      Like

  2. Why has no one told me about a Bloomin’ Onion before?!?!?! MADAM IS OUTRAGED. That looks amaaaaazing.

    Like

    • Girl, you’ve no idea. Eating it is like meeting God.

      Like

  3. […] I recognize that–what with my weaknesses for cookies, Bloomin’ Onions, McDonald’s, anything you can deep-fry or smother in gravy or preferably both, as well as […]

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