Found: Mischa Barton’s Career. Still Missing: Her Appreciation of Solid Food

Judging by all available pictures, Mischa Barton is Hollywood’s hardest working actress.  Why?  Because she doesn’t even have time to eat:

mischa barton hungry

Even back in her glory days as both a cast member of The O.C. (best show EVAH!) and the spokesperson for Neutrogena, I always found myself inexplicably compelled to throw bagels at the television screen and screechily demand her to eat something.  But then she died on The O.C., and with the death of Marissa came the apparent death of Ms. Barton’s career.  WRONG!  Bitch is back this fall on the CW, and her new show is the trashtacular The Beautiful Life.  Just feast your eyes on this mess:

If nothing else, I will watch this show in its entire run just to learn Mischa Barton’s stomp walk and head swivels.  Seriously, when I deliver mail at work, I want to STOMP STOMP STOMP over to my coworkers’ desks, give a hungry-hungry-bitchface look as I toss their mail down, HEAD TURN, then STOMP STOMP STOMP away.  Fortunately, though, Mischa and The Beautiful Life aren’t just educational tools on how to be a fierce bitch.  No no, they’re also a lesson in crafting mind-bending drama:

Hot diggity-damn!  My mind hasn’t been this blown since Lost!  Her eyeliner suggests that she’s a very sad raccoon sent back from the future, and I can guarantee you that a world in which a designer dress cannot fit Mischa Barton is most certainly not Earth.  Perhaps The Beautiful Life is set on Mars, but I’m frankly betting on Jupiter.  We all know how fat that planet is.

Intergalactic excursions aside, Mischa’s also got her film career back on track.  She may no longer be the vomiting ghost from The Sixth Sense, but that doesn’t mean she’s out of the horror business:

Et tu, Haley Joel Osment?  This trailer doesn’t make much narrative sense, but that doesn’t mean I’m not excited.  Mischa Barton+axe=ludicrous to the extreme.  I’d say this is some bad-Thai-food-inspired fever dream I once had that somehow found its way onto YouTube, but no, Homecoming‘s a real movie with a limited release on July 19th.  I get that this movie also stars Jessica Stroup from the new 90210, and I’m sure someone in Hollywood’s hoping they can capitalize on her success to boost ticket sales, but who honestly buys this garbage?

Oh, right, the answer is me.

I always knew that I loved Mischa Barton for a reason, but today I finally know why.  In my ever constant quest for camp gold, Mischa Barton’s a quarry of riches.  Now if we could just get her to eat something…

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3 Responses

  1. You were more than inexplicably compelled. I recall more than one occasion when you followed through on the impulse. The poor TV…

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  2. […] Stomp Stomp.  I may have once mistook you for Mischa Barton, but after watching the premiere I realized that you were in fact a different actress who looked […]

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  3. […] 27th.  Obviously this is a good thing because I know we’ve all been waiting an eternity (or since last summer) to witness Mischa Barton channel Kathy Bates in Misery and bring on the crazy in a hardcore way. […]

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