Gerard Butler Will Do Anything for a Klondike Bar

I don’t know about you, but I always think of the first phrase “hot piece” when Gerard Butler comes up.  Yes?


I tend to prefer my men’s facial hair to be a little more trimmed, but I most certainly wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers.  Something about him just screams “roguish devil,” and those eyes are simply incredible.  Anyways, because he’s payed his dues [aka, screaming all his lines in 300 (a terrible, terrible movie that I unfortunately saw) and posthumously sending Hilary Swank on a ridiculous scavenger hunt in P.S. I Love You (a terrible, terrible looking movie that I fortunately avoided like the plague)], 2009 is going to be his breakout year.  Why?  He’s the lead in not just one, but two movies!  He’s got The Ugly Truth, a rom-com designed to appeal to the ladies:

Yeesh.  Are Hollywood’s notion of ladies in actuality brain-dead, zombies with a penchant for masochism?  

I know that most people think of Katherine Heigl as that actress from Grey’s Anatomy who wears the same pair of bitch pants every day when she goes to work, but I really like her.  She was charming in Knocked Up, and she’s the best part about the second season of Grey’s Anatomy (other than Sandra Oh and Sandra Oh’s fabulous hair).  She even made me think about seeing 27 Dresses, so she obviously has a hold on me.  Still, this movie looks terrible!  And not in a fun way!  

Who thinks these bullshit gender wars movies are insightful entertainment?  I get it, Hollywood: women are all about communication and emotions, and men are all about boobies and sex.  Neat.  I could go on and on about how this movie isn’t worth seeing because it relies on lazy observations about the sexes for cheap laughs and how we already know that Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler will get together in the end.  Really, though, I think the trailer says all that for me, so let’s spare me the carpal tunnel and move right along.

There’s also Gamer, his bid at securing his place as an action star for testosterone-addled young men:

UGH.  Kyra Sedgwick and Michael C. Hall, what are you doing in this movie?  It’s called Gamer, and it’s a (totally insipid) slavery allegory set in a dystopian future.  Oh, and it’s written and directed by the team responsible for Crank and Crank 2.  This seemed like a good idea at any stage of development whatsoever?  I’m not saying you two should know better, but you two should probably learn to say “no” a little more often.  And when you do, please teach that magic word to Gerard Butler.  

Seriously, I get that Hollywood’s a tough place to make a living, and I know–particularly right now–we’re lucky when we have steady work and can pay the bills.  Still, there’s something to be said about not looking like you say “yes, please” more frequently than the town whore.  It’s called discerning taste.  It’s called artistic integrity.  It’s called not derailing your career with a string of terrible choices.  You’re still a hot piece, to be certain, but your filmography’s beginning to read like a Do Not Want list.  I mean, do you want to end up like Cuba Gooding Jr., except without an Oscar?  I don’t think so.  

So make good choices, Gerard Butler!



6 Responses

  1. P.S. I love you was not good but better than the atrociously bad book. seriously I could write better prose during a bathroom break from work. However it did have a short guest star by the delicious Jeffrey Dean Morgan – otherwise known as the love child of Javier Bardem and Robert Downey jr.

    I will also go see this movie because I love Katherine Heigl!


  2. I think the Ugly Truth will be a lot better than the trailer. It has gotten some good reviews so far and the R rating will help. Should be a bit edgier than a normal chick flick. I will see it, though not for Butler but Katherine Heigl. She is SO my girl crush.


  3. I miss Cuba Gooding Jr….


  4. What kind of drugs are you on? 300 was amazing! It was critically acclaimed. And PSILY was the cutest tear jerker I’ve ever seen. Nim’s Island was the stinker.


    • Given that I haven’t seen it, I’ll gladly admit that I shouldn’t throw stones at P.S. I Love You. I love me some Gina Gershon and Lisa Kudrow, so perhaps it’s better than I’m assuming. I’ll give you that.

      As for 300, though, that movie was terrible, and I’ll never be convinced otherwise. It’s terribly homophobic and misogynistic (but this should probably be expected with anything coming from Frank Miller), and it’s not a movie’s so much as a repetitive series of overly stylized slow motion shots.

      And as far as critically acclaimed goes, Metacritic rates it at 51, and the Top Critics rating at Rotten Tomatoes has it at 46%. It did great box office and was a success with audiences, but 300 was by no means a darling with the critics.


  5. Fantastically put about hollywood at the current moment. Poor Butler 😦 I’m still debating on whether to see the Ugly Truth, maybe when ABC Family does a remake haha.


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