Beyond a Reasonable Doubt Confirms That 2009 Is the Year of the Bad Movie

I’m a firm believer in the thought that 2008 was an impressively strong year for movies.  In one year, we were treated to inspired films such as Milk, The Dark Knight, WALL·E, Love Songs, Vicky Cristina BarcelonaThe Last Mistress, and Zombie Strippers*.  While we’ve admittedly still got months to go and the inevitable Oscar season of nomination hopefuls, this year’s already seeming comparatively disappointing for actual good movies.  Bad movies, on the other hand, seem to be popping up like Kudzu in Georgia, so I’m obviously happier than a go-go dancer at a g-string sale.

Think about it: this is the year in which we’ve already been given Obsessed and we’re soon going to get Powder Blue.  There’s no way in hell that Inglourious Basterds is not going to be garbage-and-a-half (the prospect of witnessing Eli Roth’s acting is just bizarro icing on Quentin Tarantino’s insane-o cake), and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen will be Baytastic (meaning fast, loud, and totally batshit crazy), so our summer’s clearly a hot mess, and this fall brings us a real winner:

beyond_a_reasonable_doubt

Beyond the fact that this poster is a pretty sub-standard Saul Brown rip-off, this is a movie with Jesse Metcalfe in TOP BILLING ABOVE MICHAEL DOUGLAS.  Amber Tamblyn’s at least actually been in movies (John Tucker Must Die isn’t a movie, just awful at 24-frames per second), and she gets second billing, but she still gets billing above Michael Douglas?  How did producers assemble this cast, and how in the hell is this movie not movie heading straight to DVD faster than a bullet train wreck?  Is Michael Douglas even actually in this movie?

Oh, apparently he actually is, and whoahbitch does this movie ever look terrible.  The weird font for the title that looks like it should be for a really bad sci fi movie?  Terrible.  That voiceover?  Really terrible.  The stunningly hammy performances?  Camparrifically terrible.  All those car chases?  Baytastically terrible.  And then there’s Jesse Metcalfe’s puffy face, which is just the terrible icing on this multi-tiered cake of craptasticness.  He used to inspire a rabid, fiery jealousy of Eva Longoria back when he was on Desperate Housewives, but now he just makes me wonder if I should start cutting back on my sodium to avoid excess water retention.  Even in a recession, I’m totally willing to pay to sit through all sorts of badness, but even I can say “Hell No!” to Beyond a Reasonable Doubt.

As for Netflix, though, that’s another (horribly acted, atrociously directed, and dreadfully preposterous) story entirely.

*You think I’m joking, but I’m not joking.  It’s an existential comedy, so it’s essentially I Heart Huckabees with zombies, Robert Englund, and gratuitous boobs, so it’s essentially I Heart Huckabees but perfect in every way.

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3 Responses

  1. Um… So I don’t know if it’s just a really poorly made trailer or what, but it just seems like that might be the worst construction for a trailer EVER. Who’s doing the voice over? He makes my soul die a little. And poor Amber Tamblyn… she was once poised to be a big star. What happened to her? And, zing! That is a shittastic font.

    What’d you think of GLEE? I’m already addicted, but it could have been the way in which I watched the show.

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    • There’s no irony in show choir, Parker.

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  2. […] simply not like the other.  Also, what happened to Val Kilmer?  He looks like he’s taking work out tips from Jesse Metcalfe.  Added to that, there’s Eva Mendes (???) and Jennifer Coolidge (???, but also !!!), […]

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