What Do You Mean Obsessed Wasn’t Prescreened for Critics?

Never mind that I’ve got a heightened case of the Fridays given that, after a seemingly interminable winter, spring has finally quit it with the false starts and seems to officially be upon us.  I seriously just want to skip down the streets singing “Put on Your Sunday Clothes” from Hello, Dolly! while doing my very best jazz hands.  It should be illegal to keep offices open on a day like today.  Illegal, I say!

Anywhosie, all of that’s only compounding the fact that I’m already way too excitable about getting off of work today to go see Obsessed.  Now, of course, Rotten Tomatoes has gone and added the last, yet most integral, seasoning to turn Obsessed into a perfectly crafted CannotWait Stew.  As of this morning, this is the Rotten Tomatoes score for Obsessed:

obsessed-rt1

Yes, that’s correct.  Do not adjust your monitor or question the prescription strength of your contacts or glasses.  Obsessed, the movie that has clearly revealed itself as 2009’s first great (camp) film, has NOT been prescreened for critics.  I know, I know.  I’m in a state of utter shock that Hollywood doesn’t have enough faith in the movie that’s obviously containing some of the year’s best performances and sexiest moments.  This just goes to prove what we’ve long suspected: movie critics are nothing more than a bunch of uptight, old biddies that wouldn’t know a good movie if it bit them on the ass.  

Clearly this has NOTHING to do with the possibility that Obsessed could in fact be a terrible and meritless movie only capable of finding a small audience consisting of gay men, fag hags, and other connoisseurs of camp trash.  There’s NO WAY that Obsessed could possibly have a strong opening weekend before seeing its box office sharply drop in the second weekend because of dreadful word of mouth.  There’s also NOT A CHANCE that a tidal wave of bad reviews from tasteless, bourgeois-pig critics could further deter audiences from entering the theater for the exquisite wonders of an epically batshit insane Beyonce Knowles/Ali Larter catfight.  No no, that’s impossible because Obsessed is quite obviously nothing but pure magic projected on screen at 24-frames-per-second.  

The Hollywood big shots probably kept this movie hidden from critics because they were worried that, if those foolish critics actually understood the inimitable brilliance of Obsessed, they’d confuse this Beyonce vehicle with avant-garde art house fair; that’d frighten audiences into thinking Obsessed is some indie movie meant only for pretentious people who wear berets and sip espressos as they smoke their imported cigarettes and nosh on top-shelf croissants!  What do you think Obsessed is?  Powder Blue???  

No no, Obsessed is for the masses (of gay men and their fag hags and other connoisseurs of camp trash) and, reviewers be damned, to the masses (of gay men and their fag hags and other connoisseurs of camp trash) it belongs.

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3 Responses

  1. Benji, I love you, but I gotta tell you, posts like this make me doubt your sanity…but not your commitment to sparkle motion!

    Like

  2. Ben, I love you. This was the #1 movie in the US this weekend!

    Like

  3. ben, i love you…

    Like

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